Lurkers....

I know you're out there dammit!
There are A LOT of people who read this thing yet have never acknowledged they exist. I AM CURIOUS!

Who is reading this thing?

Aliens?
The government?
Perverts?
International spies?

I don't really feel concerned about it but I am wondering...who, what and most especially why?

I'm speculating it's the insanity...stupidity....and juvenile writing technique that attracts people.
I speculate but I don't know...

It shows me the top searches that bring people here so I know some of you may be here because of:

blonde whipped cream
queef video
boob.blogspot
duck butter sweat
fuck jennifer broome
blonde inspection undressed
why do i deserve to be a goddess for a day
blonde goddess fuck
loring air force base, maine
pretty anus
built like a goddess
what i think of women with big stomachs
blond goddess
warning spyware detected on your computer thingee on my screen!!!
blonde goddess
the blonde goddess
boobs flopping around while getting
dear god, i have a problem and i think it is me
blonde goddess ohio
flopping boobs
big bellied women
picture of a very old lady
wings from hell
jump boy goddess
people pooing in people's mouth's
jennifer broome boob job

These were taken directly from the site counter with the top of the list being the most popular search and the bottom being the least popular.

Whipped cream huh? And I'm not even going there with the second comment from the bottom....

So...will you tell me who you are or will I continue to remain your dirty little secret?
You can even make up an alias of you want...like, "Yes. I am Pedro. I sell goats in Ecuador. I read your blog because I like reading about flopping boobs."

Or....

"I am Olaf. I found picture of wife Hilda and I on our sexy tractor. I am glad you think tractor is sexy too."

I'm not posting any damn pictures today because I don't have time to look for anything. It took me over an hour and a half to read everyone on my blog roll because of that shitty Trojan from yesterday.(Thanks to Ron's link I kicked it's MoFO ASS!) And of course thanks to the rest for the advice and helpful stuff in the comments...(
$85?!?! I'd better get a stiff one with that! Drink...what were YOU thinking?)

Ok....so...here's the plan. If you lurk...leave me some love... Or money. Money would be nice. I always need alcohol and it's not cheap ok?

Seriously...you know all about me and how dumb I am. I want to know who you are and what your story is.

OK. So...I'll be back another day. As for today, I have dishes and then an afternoon in the hammock with a good book and a few drinks...what a perfect plan!

Delurk...you'll feel better. Even if you make something up...really...Just do it already.

SPYWARE! The bastards!!!

I need some help.
SOMETHING has attacked my computer. I think it's fucking adware but my firewall and spyware and anti-virus is NOT picking it up.

SO....

I log off my name and go to bed....wake up and instead of this...



Yeah...I'm an Elmo fan. What of it?

As I was saying..instead of ELMO staring my in the face as my screen saver, I get this STUPID thing that turns my screen blue and says..

"WARNING! SPYWARE DETECTED ON YOUR COMPUTER! Install and anti-virus or spyware remover to clean your computer."

I TRIED to copy and past the picture on my screen saver but I couldn't. Furthermore, it is no where to be found, this picture. I can remove it, temporarily from my screen saver and I can even delete the bastard but it comes back.

The picture is named...ctfmonb.

WTF?

AND not only do I have an anti-virus, firewall, spyware program that is updated every day...it can't find anything wrong.

Someone help me please?
Remember...I am blonde impaired...

HELP!!!

Let's play DRESS-UP!!!

I'm bored....



Yeah...I have work to do. Who doesn't have work to do? There is always some kind of work to do....but who wants to work all the time?
It gets old...

So...when I get bored I find all kinds of interesting things to do.
In fact, I found several places I'm going to share with you...silly and fun little mind numbing places.

First up?

Hillary and Barack...



Our first two favorite sites allow us to do some styling with the candidates...

Dress Up Barack

AND

Dress Up Hillary


Both VERY fun things to do if you're bored like me...

Then we will move on to old GW...



Look! We don't even have to dress him up. Let's see what other fun things we can do with him instead...

WHEE GEORGE!!!

That's about it folks...a few funnies and now I'm back to play dress up the candidates while checking in to make sure George is still falling...(He gets hung up so an occasional shove is necessary.)

See ya tomorrow...and oh yeah...feel free to email me your dressed up candidates!

Zee...blonde vooman ez stoopeed...

I've been recovering for the past hour and a half.
Why is that, you ask?
Well not all of you are asking that. The perverts..(and you know who you are)...aren't asking because they are imagining some kinky sex tryst with battery operated gizmo that violated me until I blacked out!!!
GET THE SECRET VIDEO CAM OUT OF MY ROOM! THAT WAS YESTERDAY AND I ONLY BLACKED OUT FOR FIVE MINUTES!

GAHHDAMMIT!

Seriously I am recovering because I have hit myself in the head no fewer than three times this morning.
It's just ONE of THOSE days....

Here is a list of the injuries and sequence of events leading up to them...

1. A bottle of fabric softener exploded when it hit the floor in the bathroom this morning. It fell off the washing machine that was off balance and busted the top of the cap off, causing some of that very slippery liquid to cover the floor where yours truly slipped and hit the back of her head.



It hurt like a son-of-a-gun...I think I swore and blacked out but it could be the other way around. The cat was hiding in the shower when I came to....

2. I hit my head when I was coming down the stairs. There is a place where the wall comes down in the stairwell (it's an old house) and you have to lean forward a little bit so you don't hit your head. Well even though I've lived in this house for TEN FREAKIN YEARS!!!! I "apparently" forgot to duck and smacked myself RIGHT in the forehead. What's worse is that it knocked me back on my ass and I slid down the steps,ripping my underwear off and rubbing the pink of my ass raw....
PLUS I GOT A BUMP IN THE FRONT SO I LOOK LIKE NEANDERTHAL MAN!



I did pluck my eyebrows before I showered...so at least we don't have THAT in common, but the bump...bigger n' shit.

3. I hit my head trying to hurry and get into my car at Kroger's...I smacked it right in the frame of the car, seeing stars and happy faces and all that flippin crazy shit.
It's Tuesday...Elderly Hell Day and while I didn't get accosted by any Old White Lady Hate, I did get a shot of Old White Man Love....



Is it just me or what? Does anyone else attract the weirdo's like I do? Please tell me I'm not alone here...PLEASE!!!

Seriously, there IS an old man who flashes people sometimes at Kroger's. I've been lucky enough to see him twice...although there are many people who say they've never seen him. I do know two other people,who have seen him at least once or seen him flashing someone else. So he is real and you'd better be careful when you see the old dude walking up to your car in a tan trench coat.

GAH!!!

In other news, I don't like men today. Unless you have ten-grand and a hard on for me, don't speak to me.

I'm just saying....

That crazy bitch across the street had the BALLS to say something snotty to me this morning!!! And it was after I'd beat myself senseless three times and had a mere snort of coffee to wake me up!

HOW DARE SHE???

I WENT APESHIT!!!!



Normally that doesn't happen..I don't DO apeshit. Really I don't. Not unless I'm bleeding to death that one time of the month or Mr.Man is watching the same stupid. STUPID MOVIE FOUR OR FIVE TIMES IN A ROW!!!!OR apparently, when I have a mild concussion.

Did I mention that I ate a couple sugar coated sugar bomb donuts for breakfast?

Anyway...I did the BITCH-FROM-THE-NETHERWORLD thing with the neighbor. She's dumber than a bag of rocks so I'm not really sure how much of what I said sank in, but I let her HAVE it about the parking crap and speeding away bullshit tantrums. She stood there like an idiot.



Then as she walked into the house, she turned and flipped me off.

So that's how things are gonna be, are they?

She doesn't know what kind of HELL she would suffer under the WRATH of the TAMINATOR!!!



This bitch just went undercover on her ass! She won't even KNOW what hit her when I get through with her....

(That's another one of my Halloween pictures...cute as a button ain't it?)

God...I have got to stop. It's the concussion and sugar buzz talking...I just know it.

Did I mention not liking men today? Ten ElGrando and a stiffy or leave me the hell alone...ok?

OK...that's just not fair to my blog guy friends....but as for the rest of the ones I know in person...this mainly the kind of men I attract...



Nuff said...

Psycho girl burns rubber.....

I have these neighbors across the street. The guy is REAL laid back, you know they type...he is so laid back you have to wonder if he's in a coma. The chick is another story though. She is INSANE.
No really...she's a certified nut.
I've written about her before. I used to think she was scared of me. You can read about it here...
On a side note...oatmeal really IS good for your complexion.


Of course now I know better.She's not afraid of me. She acts the way she does because she is insane. That's all there is to it.

Last night the Goddess here almost had to kick her ass.

Recently, she and her man bought this huge truck. Why in the hell they bought a huge truck with gas prices the way they are is beyond me, but according to some of the other neighbors, she insisted they buy it and from what I gather is he severely pussy whipped...(sorry ETW..I meant "Meow Meow Meow whipped.)



That's one big ass truck...

When she was pregnant and they still had their car, she'd pull up in front of her house and if there wasn't a parking spot RIGHT IN FRONT Of her house, she'd start screaming and squeal the tires and speed off down the street.
Now for anyone who's ever lived in Dunbar, you KNOW that unless you have a big lot like we do, there is only public parking and you are taking your chances every time you leave your space open. Thankfully this is not something Mr.Man and I have to be concerned with. We have a drive way next to the house and a parking pad in the back.
Anyway, I chalked up her unstable tantrums to being pregnant.



Then she had the baby and it still happened, but I figured it was postpartum or something.
Well now, the kid is older and I just think she's a lunatic.

Last night, they came home from someplace and she pulled up in front of her house. My daughter's car was parked on the street but she had plenty of room to parallel park her truck. Of course she can't parallel park worth shit, so she started screaming at her husband and then squealed the tires, burning rubber up the street. She was doing at least forty or fifty miles an hour.



This is what our street looks like now, since she's been living here.

She pulled around the block and then waited at the end of the street, revving her engine and watching us.
WTF?
We sat on the porch and watched her throw a complete head fit.
Finally she turned the engine off and they all got out and walked toward their house.

Ok...

My daughter, Freya, asked me," Why didn't she ask us if we could move our car so she could park?"

"I don't know", I answered, while watching burning rubber psycho stomp down the sidewalk muttering under her breath...eyes twitching...fists balled up...



(What a sight to see....)

Freya got up and moved her car, two spaces up the street in fact where psycho could have parked if she was a sane person like the rest of us.
When she went over to move it, Psycho's little girl said, "That's my mommy's parking spot. You're not supposed to park there."

Hmmm....

I decided to "educate" the neighbors on a little parking etiquette...

I walked over and spoke to her husband who was sitting outside. I explained to him that in the city, everyone pays a municipal fee and that entitles everyone to park anywhere they want on the public street.
I wasn't a bitch about it, but you know it pissed me off that she expected our company to park farther down the street, even though there were two empty spots right in front of my house.

I mean come on here...that's being a little unreasonable.

He apologized for her behavior and I felt bad for him because I think he's as much a victim of it as everyone else that comes in contact with her.



He really is such a sweet guy. I feel really bad for him.

OH well...what can you do?

In other news, I bought myself a hammock. It folds up for easy storage in the garage and I LOVE<3 LOVE<3 LOVE IT!!!



I laid in it yesterday while drinking Magic Hat beer and being lazy.



Then after some yummy cook out goodness, I laid in it again while sipping margaritas.



It's great for any kind of alcoholic beverage...

Speaking of the hammock, I'm getting off here for now so I can clean up the house, shower and get ready to lie in it again...at least until it starts raining. Damn rain...I'm really getting fed up with it. We need a few sunny days in a row you know.

Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend....I'll see ya tomorrow.

And the Goddess shared her wisdom....

Mr.Man is driving me out of my fucking mind!
Why is it that when he takes vacation the one thing he wants to do the most is aggravate me?

I feel extremely violent.

Of course those special violent feelings could be channeled into sex if he played his cards right, but he won't. He'll continue to annoy me until my head hurts and everything that comes out of my mouth is LOUD!

Mr.Man: So honey, can I clean out our bank account and buy useless things that are outrageously priced?

Me: I'M GOING TO BLUDGEON YOU TO DEATH IN YOUR SLEEP!!!!

Yep...four more days of fun...woo fucking hoo...

There are some things I've learned over the years that I want to share with you today. They are all, of course, completely random but completely true...(at least they've been a constant truth in my life.)

The Blonde Goddess' List of Truths

1. If you pick your nose and eat it, someone will catch you doing it.



Now this doesn't apply to me. I don't pick my nose and I certainly don't eat it.But there are other people I've seen picking their noses and eating it. It's disgusting and if you're one of those who do it, then STOP! Some poor undeserving slob is going to catch a glimpse of it as they drive by you in their car and wreck when they begin vomiting. Or someone will glance in your direction at your kid's piano recital just in time to see you pull a snot nugget out of your nostril...GAH! Stop doing it, NASTY ASS!!! Someone is going to see you and it's gross...

2. Men only talk to women so they can get laid.



No...really. This is true. If men could get laid without having to talk to you, they wouldn't ever open their mouths. This has been my experience. So ladies, if some man is talking to you and then he suddenly stops, he's not interested in fucking you anymore.
This is usually because...

a. He's fucking someone else.
b. He knows you're not going to fuck him.
c. You've done something that annoys/disgusts him which makes you unfuckable.
d. He's sober

3. No matter how good you look in your bathing suit, if you're a woman, you'll still think you look fat.



I'm not sure why this is but I believe it's some sort of punishment that was handed down the the monthly curse thing. Why we women are so psychotic about it, I'll never understand but we are...

4. Men prefer to poop in their own homes on their own toilets.



I know some men who will poop where ever they can go but the majority will hold it all damn day if they can't make it home. When they finally make it home they'll rush into the house, ass cheeks squeezed tighter than the Virgin Mary's HooHa...sprinting into the bathroom like their dick hair is on fire.
It's weird to be sure, but...it's a man thing. Tell me I'm lying here. I KNOW you know a man who can't poop away from home.

5.Polyester should be outlawed.



I think that's pretty self-explanatory.

6. What you shave off will grow back in twice as thick...



Meh...it's not all bad. After all, Operation Planet of the Apes worked for me...remember?

7. The only time anyone will pay attention to you is when you're busy doing something enjoyable by yourself.



Yes...it's true. Mr.Man doesn't know I live in the same house with him until I'm wrapped up in something that doesn't include him, then he wants kisses and he wants to talk to me and blah..blah..blah.

It would seem that my time here has come to an end. My choices are to either stop writing in here for today or go insane...snap and grab the nearest petrified tree root to beat Mr.Man over the head with. I'm not sure the life insurance would pay for a fatal petrified tree root blow to the head and I'm even less sure they'd believe it was an accident.So..I'm outta here for now.

I have more wisdom to share but it'll have to wait...Have a good weekend.

Frunching....dear God it's making me sore...

I made up a new exercise.

You know how those losers with ABS of steel do a million crunches every day to perfect that hard-as-a-rock toned stomach right?

Well I've decided that having a rock hard stomach isn't that important to me. I mean...what do we actually USE our stomach's for? Aren't they supposed to be a food storage facility for our bodies while we use the nutrients we need and then process the rest for disposal out the poop chute?

So...after some deep thought on the subject, I made up my own exercise to maximize the muscles I DO use.

I use my va-jay-jay muscles a hell of a lot more than my stomach muscles. So I discovered an exercise to maximize the 'squeeze potential', thus enhancing certain activities...

I call it "Frunching"...

Here's how you do it.

Lie on your back.(Clothing is optional, although I would suggest losing all or most of it if you're exercising with a 'friend".)

Spread your legs and sit up, as though you're doing a crunch.

You should be in this position...



Don't thank me now...I know you're grateful. And one word of advice...the exercise is MUCH better when done nude and with a partner... You may or may not insert A into B or C, depending on your kink...and if you're feeling particularly fiendish, you can insert A and D into B and C...respectively...

I kind of met our new neighbors...or should I say the new neighbor's man-tittied father.
I'm sitting on my porch this morning, drinking a cup of coffee when this hairy beast flashes past the front of my house...
I grabbed the coffee cup, being careful not to spill a drop from the cup of life, and slid to the floor of the porch.
I crawled to the rail and peeked over it.

This is what I saw...



JESUS-AGED-CHRIST DAD! Get those man titties next to a razor!!!
I threw up in my mouth a little...

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not opposed to some man tittiness. I also don't have a problem with some hairiness either.
I enjoy biting the man titties same as everyone else.
And what fun would it be to ride the meat rocket if there was no chest and gut hair to pull, right?

But this guy was just plain old disturbing...

I did a belly crawl back into the house in order to avoid having to speak to Gorilla-breasts and finished my coffee in the safety of my own home.

When I stepped outside an hour later, Gorilla-breasts had a shirt on and walked over to introduce himself...
Seems that his son is getting married in July.He and his new wife will be our neighbors.
They're in their late twenties/early thirties and have no kids.
I sniffed the air for any remnant beer breath but didn't smell any. In spite of that, I'm hoping they're corrupt like me and not members of the Christian Kookalition...

We'll keep our fingers crossed...

Speaking of shirts...do you know anyone who should have this shirt?



Man...I can think of half a dozen people right off the top of my head...

And did I mention that Mr.Man will be off for the next five days?
Yep...he sure will.
Of course when I learned about that I ran right out and bought some new cologne. I figured that maybe if I was nice and made myself pretty, I might have a "Frunching" partner for the next five days.



The cologne just caught my eye. I'm hoping it'll work, you know? One sniff of this stuff and it'll be a choice between "Frunching" or digging a hole in the back yard with Mr.Big.
Yep...Mr.Big.
Stew had a thingy on his post that named your penis.(He stole it from LeAnn...)
Well...me, being the me that I am,...HAD to type in Mr.Man's name and lo and behold, his penis is named Mr.Big.
(Like I couldn't have figured that one out on my own...)

There!
Now that I've totally either grossed out, insulted or horrified you, I'm done. I'm tired and I need my rest. Low thyroid crap and "Frunching" like a freaking nymphomaniac has caused me to be completly exhausted and a nap is needed.

I'll be back tomorrow...just thought you'd appreciate the warning.

Man Ranch...let's explore the dream shall we?

Yesterday I said I'd enjoy having a "Man Ranch". Although I didn't go into details, I figured there's nothing wrong with a woman who has a healthy sexual appetite and an even healthier imagination.
Nothing wrong with fantasies you know?

So...I decided to go ahead and write a little about the Man Ranch and a few of the things I'd do if I had one.

Let's begin shall we?

One of the most important things about my man ranch would be establishing that I'm in charge.
I'd have to make sure all the men living there knew how things were going to work right from the beginning...



No one...and I mean NO ONE would do anything other than what I told them to do...

To receive special treatment from me, the men would be required to do a few things around the ranch...

Cooking....



Cleaning...



Standing in front of me...



You know...important stuff like that.

Of course there would be free time and they would be able to enjoy their own hobbies and recreation...It wouldn't always be "All work and no play"...



I'm not a slave driver...you know.
They would be allowed to "hang out" all they wanted to.
I wouldn't mind one bit.

If one of the men on the ranch wanted to take the day off to go fishing? I wouldn't have a problem with that!



I LOVE trouser trout!!!! Er....I meant trout...ummm...

Anyway, I'm thinking the Man Ranch would be a place where all kinds of men would want to live. I'm a lot of fun you know!!!

I enjoy sports...



Anything that involved balls is always a hit with me!

I also enjoy pool...taking in the sun and scenery...lapping...meh..I meant swimming some laps...



Being wet is one of my favorite things...

I also enjoy a good game of cards once in awhile...



Especially if there's a wager involved?...

I'm generous to a fault and enjoy giving gifts too...



And with a lifetime supply of batteries no one would ever have to worry about replacing the ones in their gift.

Last but not least....

I have an awesome sense of humor!



"Got milk?"

The Man Ranch would be a great place to live...I'm serious. Especially with beer flowing freely from the faucets in the house. That could make for some interesting entertainment...

Of course IF for some reason any of the men on the ranch were to try to run away, I'd have to have a round up and catch 'em so I could haul them widdle doggies back to the ranch.



I'd probably be a little peeved at my laying around drunk time being interrupted so the escapee's would have to be taught a lesson...sad..oh so sad...but oh so true.



Eh...I wouldn't be TOO hard on them. But I'm sure they wouldn't want to run away after I got finished "punishing" them...

SO!
That's a small glimpse into the whole "Man Ranch" fantasy.
Hope you enjoyed the show and now if you'll excuse me, my neck is VERY tense after searching for all those pictures...

*GRIN*

10 things I would like to say to people one day...

Old Moog posted this little MeMe thing and I decided to go ahead and do it.
I mean...I'm trapped at home today, am I not?
It's elderly hell day and I will not leave the house. I might as well find something else to do right?

I haven't really given this much thought but I figured something would pop into my head so here we go...

"10 THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO PEOPLE ONE DAY."

1. "There's nothing wrong with getting drunk and disorderly."

This of course would be said to the Jesus police I live near, whom I can not say anything to because they will not speak to me...



You get drunk and pass out in your back yard ONCE and they never forget it, you know?

2. "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY YOU HATEFUL OLD SACK OF GUTS!"

I'd have to say that this is a phrase I'd love to be able to repeat...every Tuesday in fact when shopping at Krogers.



God they hate me...they really do.

3. "Sorry. You'll have to get a bottle of water from the fridge. Our kitchen sink only has beer coming out of it."

Now WHO wouldn't want to be able to say that? I think a lot of people I know would be MUCH happier if they drank more beer and less water. Besides...beer is a cure all. What kind of idiot doesn't know that?



"Beer is the pee of the Devil."

Yeah...whatever...shut up already. We're not buying into your lies anymore chump.

4. "I was in a coma for six weeks because of multiple orgasms."

Now don't get me wrong. I've been attempting this with and without Mr.Man's help...so far I've been unable to walk for an hour but I've never lost consciousness. Still it's always nice to keep trying...



And # 4 leads me to # 5...

5. "I'VE WON A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF BATTERIES!"

I think this one explains itself...you know...I get tense sometimes and I need a "personal massager"...



Ohhh...those sore neck muscles..heh heh...

6. " No...it's fine with me if the entire team wants to autograph my naked body."

This...of course...will be said to the Boston Red Sox after meeting them in person because I have lifetime tickets to watch each and every game because I won them or inherited them or something like that...



I would be in the CENTER of that flesh pile...

7. "I have a personal shopper."

Do you have ANY idea how much I detest shopping? I believe shopping was invented as a device of torture meant to torment and upset people like me.



I'd much rather be home drinking beer from the sink while attempting that coma ok?

8. "Round up the rest of the escaped men and bring them back to the ranch."



I think I'll keep the reason for this one to myself...but feel free to use your imagination...

9. " LET THE SPANKINGS COMMENCE!"

OK...this isn't what you think. Not really anyway. I'd just like to see every person who's pissed me off be punished. If they have made me mad long enough for me to really think about it...let's say maybe an hour or more...they should be spanked with me supervising the entire thing. Even though you may not believe me, the amount of spankings would be limited to a handful of people. There would be a few but they would be well deserved.



BWAHAHAHA!!!!

10. "You can deposit my royalty checks from the book, movie rights...etc...into my Swiss account."

Yes...that's right. Some day this Blonde Goddess will be rich...RICH I say! All because of my autobiography...(which will include all of you and the witty things I have learned from you.)
Sadly I won't be able to go ANYWHERE without being recognized...



"No autographs please..."

So I will be forced to go out disguised in "movie star" mode...



The Boston red Sox will brag how they autographed my naked body once and the scandalous "Man Ranch" will be discovered but it won't matter. I'll be drunk and sequestered in my mansion...with a life time supply of batteries and plenty of mini-coma's to occupy my time...

So there...

Go check out the Moog...he's a nut. It's his fault I wrote this today.