Welkcome to a New Year Ladies and Gentlemen!

When I was a kid my brother and I always spent New Year's eve at Nana and Pa's house. It was without fail because my mother sure as hell was not going to stay home. She'd spend DAYS finding the right outfit and deciding how to fix her hair...man, it was a great production...and she always wanted to make sure her New Year's eve was perfect...



Got to LOVE those 70's clothes, right?

Anyway, my brother and I would be deposited at my grandparents house early in the day(if we weren't there already) and our own New Year's eve celebration would be begin.
My Nana always made sure we had plenty to do. She'd have a puzzle set up on the card table for us to work on and we'd have a stack of games to play. A lot of our toys were already at her house, so we had those to play with, but my grandparents were determined that we have a special night too. Because the Christmas tree was still set up, they'd wrap small gifts for us and put those under the Christmas tree so we'd have New Year's gifts to open after dinner. It was small stuff like paper dolls and matchbox cars and yoyo's or a jump rope, but it was such a treat for us. We really did feel like we were having our own celebration.

I loved paper dolls and my two favorite sets were these ones...





There was always the issue of having more women than men so even Jughead got in on the action...Melody was normally his woman.(And in case you're curious, I always put Betty with Archie. She was, after all, the nice girl and deserved him.)

We would bake cookies or make candy in the afternoon and then I would help Nana make our dinner. We'd have a nice pork roast with all the trimmings and for dessert there would be rice pudding. It's a tradition that I still carry on today with my own family.
After dinner, we'd clean everything up. My brother and Pa would sit in their chairs in the living room and shoot Nana with those sucker gun darts as she tried to wash dishes.Then they'd laugh and laugh about it. I can still hear Pa laughing in my mind...



Those little suckers stung if they hit you in just the right spot. I always figured that Nana would grab one and try to shove it up Pa's ass, but she never did...and yes, my brother had this exact set...(Starksky was the hottie In My Opinion...just saying...)

I'm not sure why, but it seems as though Lawrence Welk was on every New Year's eve. Or maybe it's just because the local television station aired it, but I can remember it being on and my Nana and Pa dancing to it in the living room. My brother and I would laugh and fidget on the couch, but they didn't seem to notice us.
I guess that's the difference between them and my mom. An episode of Lawrence Welk on a black and white television was enough for them....



Almost as good as a Swedish Polka, isn't it?

I'm not sure what Mr.Man and I are doing tonight. While I enjoy going out, he is not so keen on it. And to be honest,as long as he is holding me tight, I can be happy watching Jeremiah Johnson for the 900th time or watching how they make tires on the Discovery channel OR play a game of Trivial Pursuit where he will kick my ass soundly and accuse me of getting all the "easy" questions in the event that I win.

I will make a nice dinner for my family and rice pudding, and then we can play games, (although Little Beatle is really the only one who likes to play anymore). We've had a couple of friends ask us to do something with them, but I'm not sure if we will or not...

Whatever it is that you find yourself doing this evening, before you retire and wake to a New Year, or as you watch the Ball drop in Times Square...I leave you with this thought and the hope that 2009 will bring you all peace, prosperity and good health...

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce"

Happy New Year everyone!!!!

Consistency, the thickness of soup....or broth...both will fill your belly...

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!!!!YES!!! I KNOW!!! SO STOP IT RIGHT THIS MINUTE BECAUSE I CAN EXPLAIN!!! HONEST TO GOD, I CAN EXPLAIN!!!



CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU THINK....I AM NOT IGNORING YOU!!!!

Miss KIA had monopolized the computer for the past week catching up on her online Health. In order to be able to take all AP classes this year, she was required to take her health class online to free up that block. (It's a required class and she needs it to graduate.) So while I am grateful that she has this option, she has decided to work on her health and get all her assignments turned in so she can concentrate on her other classes once school resumes...which means I am NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE COMPUTER!!!!

It has been HORRIBLE!!! I finally resorted to drugging her cocoa last night and she's still sleeping this morning...


ok...so not really...but she IS still sleeping so I don't know how much time we have together, ok? (Why do I feel like I'm involved in some tawdry affair?)

You know what I've noticed lately? People like consistency. Go figure...I am a fan of it too, I suppose, but I'm just as forgiving if it's not there. During my hiatus, I lost some readers or lost the daily check in I had established. And I'm ok with that.I don't get to read everyone's blogs everyday. It's been impossible and I have limited time on the computer. I'm not upset about it, I have just noticed it. I think blogs are an escape much the way TV is and when you're not entertaining, people just don't find an escape. That's why I kept private journals up until a few years ago. Sometimes I think I should go into them and post some of the things on here (cause some things are just plain old hysterical) but then I think that maybe I'm compromising that entire, "This blog is really only here for me and I write for myself thing."

Yeah I didn't write in here for awhile but I kept a private journal for my eyes only. I still wrote but it wasn't anything I wanted to share with anyone.
The thing I was going through was frightening and emotionally draining and I just couldn't share myself and put myself out there during that time. It involved a very delicate situation and I had no desire to see my entire family terrorized the way I was terrorized.
Just be careful of the people you are acquainted with.
They can be Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde and you may find that you're not as safe as you think you are.
Things can literally go from this....


To this...


And you will be so shocked by it all that you won't know how to react or what to do...and then you'll just be scared.

And guess what?
You keep feeling scared and it doesn't go away....

But you deal with it the best way you can...

I'm just so grateful for my Mr.Man who loves me and makes me feel SAFE. He is a good man and while he makes me crazy sometimes and he can be kind of selfish, I know he would never hurt me in any way. I know he would never hurt our children either. I am so grateful for him and the life we share together.

Sometimes you don't understand why bad things happen but I think they happen to make you appreciate the things you take for granted....like the knowledge that your husband would never hurt you or threaten you in any way.That's not the kind of thing I just sat around and thought about all the time and now it is one of the most important things to me.
He would never hurt or threaten anyone else either.

There are a lot of scary people out there who would hurt you if the opportunity were to arise. They are people you know and have never felt endangered by.

Be careful...

I am too trusting...I WAS too trusting and would have never thought anyone would threaten me in any way, but it can happen...and it does happen...and you don't even have to do anything to provoke or encourage it...

So while you may occasionally get this now because of the past couple of months....



You're still gonna get this most of the time....



To sum it all up...you're gonna get the real deal here and it's going to be me....whatever that is.
I'm going to write in here though because I need to and I want to. That is something that won't change, even if my style or consistency does.

A thought for the day....

I got a phone call last night from my boss. Apparently I was not supposed to be "let go" until Friday. It was a misunderstanding and so I'm off to work this morning again for three more days. Which I am ok with. I have really enjoyed my job and I know I'm not losing it because they don't want me there anymore. The business is dissolving and there is not enough work to keep me on. That makes a difference. I wouldn't want to be paid for not doing anything. Luckily I have been able to keep busy right up until it's time for me to leave and I have been leaving as soon as my work is done. There was only one day that I had to kill an hour or so by cleaning out my sewing basket which was sitting in the car and that was a HORRIBLE day. I was bored out of my mind and felt guilty about just waiting for someone to call in and need something. Hated it.....

So...I'm off to work shortly but I wanted to leave you all with a little something that popped into my head right after I got the call to show up for the rest of the week.

"Well, you know what they say....Flexibility is the key to success when dealing with work, relationships and sex."


Words of wisdom from the Blonde Goddess folks!

Have a good day and watch out...it's Elderly Hell day!!!

INSTRUMENT OF TORTURE!!!

For the last hour and a half I have been cursing and pulling my hair...and no...it's not because I've been having sex.
I have been attempting to operate the most heinous of all machinery known to mankind...



Yep...that's right. It's a fucking sewing machine.
Let me tell you something about a sewing machine. When you're in a hurry it fucks up every other stitch. The goddamn needle breaks AND the shitty little bobbin gets tangled up,ripping half the material into shreds because the needle gets stuck in the foot of the machine and won't let loose.

I curse the day I learned how to sew!!!



I was actually happy when my great-grandmother offered to teach me how to sew. I learned how to sew because the hand-me-downs I got from my cousins didn't fit me right. So she taught me how to fix my clothes to fit me. Having clothes that fit was a treat...

But had I know what kind of hell I would end up being subjected to at the hands of a sewing machine, I would have continued to walk around looking like a hobo and never touched the damn thing!

I should be grateful that I know how to use a sewing machine. It's an acquired skill much like my sexual experience, yet here I am complaining about something I can do well that potentially can make me money....



NO! NO!!! NOT THAT!!!
SEWING!!! SEWING CAN MAKE ME MONEY!!!

People make a lot of money making things and selling them OR altering clothes, making costumes,sewing slipcovers or curtains....you can do a lot of things when you know how to sew.

And, it would seem that I'd better be looking for a way to earn some money. I got laid off from my job today.
Yep...I'm officially unemployed now. Too bad I didn't work long enough to collect unemployment. I mean, I knew I'd be getting done and it probably wouldn't last until the end of January, but I was pretty shocked to learn that I was getting done today. There was no warning and nothing said about it until I was already at work.

Sooo....any suggestions for going into business for myself???
Let me know what YOU think about it and I'll be back, apparently, tomorrow.

IN the meantime I believe I will continue to work on fixing this machine so I can get something done....wish me luck!

WINE IS FINE

There is something really great about a wine buzz.
Your face feels all tingly and stuff and you start thinking about the craziest shit, you know?

I was thinking about the time Mr.Man and I went to Wright Patterson Air Force Base for Mr.Man's back surgery. Miss KIA was just a baby and I had just weaned her off breast feeding so I could travel with Mr.Man on the medivac flight and be there for the surgery.
My tits were ROCK HARD and I could have busted concrete with them...NOT EVEN SHITTING YOU!!!
(I'm a teensy-weensy intoxicated, can you tell???)
Yeah so anyhow, my tits were still huge and solid, kind of like those little bowling balls for candlepin bowling.
See picture below...



I wasn't really still supposed to be leaking milk but I did anyway, so there were some issues on the plane. I was fine when I was awake but when I fell asleep, they leaked. So...since I get terribly car sick, air sick, motion sick etc...I took some medicine that knocked me out. Needless to say, when the plane landed, I had two FUCKING GIANT WET SPOTS ON THE FRONT OF MY SHIRT!!!

Needless to say, I was gawked at by EVERYONE...thankfully I'm a shameless harlot who didn't give a shit and shrugged the entire thing off. Mr.Man was too high on morphine to even remember my name so it all worked out for the best.

We ended up staying in Billeting the 1st several nights we were there.Mr.Man had to wait on a bed to open up before they could do surgery on him. For some odd reason, we decided that it would be fun to go to the NCO club and get drunk. Yes, Mr.Man was on morphine so I'm not sure why I thought it would be a good idea for me to get drunk but in hindsight, it was a BAD idea...a VERY BAD idea.

We stayed at the club, eating hot wings and drinking and then when we got back to billeting, we decided that we'd screw and do it up big time. I supposed we figured he'd be out of commission for awhile so we might as well get in one last time before the drought.
We went at it like we'd both taken massive quantities of horny pills and after thrashing about until the mattress came halfway off the bed, I puked chicken wings until my brains almost came out and Mr.Man cried like a baby from the pain.

Smart, weren't we?

The next morning, we stepped out of the door. The poor guy who'd spent the night in the room next to us was standing outside. He watched me come out, carrying both duffel bags of our clothes and then Mr.Man appear, leaning on a cane and winching with every step.
The guy looked me over and then winked at Mr.Man.

We had a good laugh about that for sure....

Meh...I don't know why I'm blathering on about this particular experience but it popped into my head and I figured I'd share.
I'm such a generous person that way...LOL

OK...so now you know one of the things that has popped into my head when I get a little bit of a buzz going.
What kinds of things do YOU think about???
Care to share????

Time to sleep this one off...see ya when the urge strikes again!!!

Yep...it's closing in on me...time to wrap my head in tinsel and hide!

Does anyone have any fucking idea how many days there are until Christmas!!!
Man, I have been trying my damnest to get motivated and actually buy something, but I have yet to purchase one thing for anyone.
I'm not even kidding.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME????


Look, I'm trying the best I can, ok? It's very hard to go shopping when you're busy laying around drunk, trying to take advantage of your hot husband.

By the way, Mr.Man says I'm making him old before his time.
Goddamn crybaby. That's what I say. Suck it up and take it like a man, I say.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MR.MAN?



Yeah, yeah....I know. I can't figure it out either.

Most men would be THRILLED with a wife who lusts after him constantly! Whatfuckingever!!!

ANYWAY...in order to use up some of this crazy energy I have I am going to DO something to prepare for Christmas!!!

Tomorrow.....

Yes, that is pretty lame but procrastination is an art and I am one of the artist who make it a wonderful experience for the senses.



Yes, I am a loser who lacks motivation and the ability to take life seriously. What of it? You watch me do the things I do, so you already know this about me....

Speaking of that, would anyone be interested in watching my life, VIA a webcam? (No naughty bits will be included before you blurt your answer out pervs...)

There have been a few suggestions from people, mostly people who live near me and actually witness the madness, that they'd like to see with their own two eyeballs the events as they unfold...(the ones they miss).
Personally, the thought of it scares me, although I'd be happy to reenact the entire swiping the cell phone through the crack of my ass trick...(which was real by the way)...

Meh...let me know what you think. I've been mulling it over and for security purposes I suppose I'd have to think of a way to monitor everyone watching. It hurts my head to think about it really...I'm sure that someone smarter than me could come up with something.

That pretty much includes everyone in the universe...

Well...except for this guy...



Let me know what you think, alrightie???

I'm doing this because I feel like it...so there....

I have read this MeMe thing on several of my blog roll friends blogs and I thought to myself, "Self! Why the hell don't you ever do anything like that?"
So I figured I'd discipline myself to get up this morning and do it.
(Aren't you happy?)



Yeah, whatever...here it is anyway...

46 Odd Things about The Blonde Goddess....

1.Do you like blue (sic) cheese? YES!!! I EAT IT!!! As God is my witness, I like it and I enjoy it. I can't believe how many people don't like it. Believe me, I have had a lot nastier things in my mouth before than bleu cheese dressing.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Never touched the stuff in any form, although my behavior would say otherwise....

3.Do you own a gun? Yes, we do own some and most of them are older than our house.Mr. Man only spends extraordinary amounts of money on things that are old and dirty and rusty.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I have never been to a Sonic. I don't even know if they have one around here. Besides, we never eat out. I always cook.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No...I always welcome the opportunity to take my clothes off and show my bits to people as long as it's legitimate...

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like em but only if they're red hot dogs, steamed and sitting in a lightly toasted bun, covered in ketchup, mustard, relish and chopped onions.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? The Christmas Story. Oddly enough the father in that movie reminds me of Mr.Man...

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Hot coffee, sometimes with cream and sugar and sometimes without...

9. Can you do push ups? Only if you're talking about a push-up bra. I can do those just fine....

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? I don't have any expensive jewelry (but I have a slew of fucking old guns and shit)...BUT I do have my great-grandmother's engagement ring and my grandmother's class ring. They both mean the world to me.

11. Favorite hobby? I was going to say crafting and writing and legitimate stuff like that, but honestly sex is my hobby. I'm a big enough person to admit it.

12. Do you have A.D.D ? That depends...if A.D.D. stands for A Dozen Dildo's then yes, I do...*GRIN*

13. What is one trait you hate about yourself? I tend to withdraw into myself when I'm upset or stressed. I don't want to do it and I don't mean to do it, but I do. It's something I learned as a child and I'm trying to stop it.

14. Middle name? Jean

15. What is your favorite TV show or movie? TV: Mad Men~~~ Movie:I'm not sure. I love foreign films, especially Swedish ones... Fanny and Alexander is wonderful!

16. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Milk, Vodka and cat litter...(such is my life)

17. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Coffee, water and vodka...heh heh

18. Current worry? There are so many and I'm trying to get away from them that I think I'll pass on this one....

19. Current hate right now? I try not to hate anything but if I have to choose something, it's people who target other people because they have nothing better to do with their pathetic lives and instead of doing something to make their lives better, they pick other people's lives apart...

20. Favorite place to be? Maine...I am so terribly homesick all the time....but being with my husband and children is still good no matter where we are.

21. Where would you like to go? Sweden to see where my grandparents and great grandparents lived, England and Ireland to see the area that Mr.Man's relatives lived, the rest of the United States that I haven't visited, and a dozen other countries with archaeological sights that would be completely awesome to see.

22. Name three people who will complete this? Over three people I know have already done this and I'm probably the last to do it...

24. What shirt are you wearing? Tank top with sleep pants...it's Sunday morning...

25. What year would you go back in time to? I don't know...there are so many to choose from. I can't decide...

26. Can you whistle? Yes I can but I don't do it very often. My great-grandmother used to tell me that if I whistled in the house, snakes would come in through the floor and bite me. (I think she really hated whistling, don't you?)

27. Favorite color? Green

28. Would you be a pirate? I'm not sure. I get car sick and I don't know how I would do on a boat. Plus I hate to mop and I'd probably take my eye out with a sword...I don't know...

29. Favorite girl's name? Linnea...I wanted to name Veggie Stick that, but I was out voted...meh....

30. Favorite boy's name? I don't know. I sat here for a good three or four minutes and I couldn't think of one...

31. Last thing you dreamed about? I was cross country skiing and there was nothing in front of me but open fields covered with snow...pine trees in the distance..bright sunlight...pure bliss. I love it when I dream of Maine...

32. What's in your pocket right now? My cell phone..

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Mr.Man dancing to KC& The Sunshine Band last night after a few mixers...hahaha

34.Best Halloween costume? Hooker...I could have made some serious cash...LOL

35. Worst injury you've ever had? I skinned all the hide off one side of my body once when my cousin Greg and I decided to ride his motorbike over a dirt pile and jump it. Needless to say, we jumped the damn thing and landed on our sides...I still have a rock in the skin on my hip. You can feel it.

36. Do you like where you live? I like my house. It's not fancy and it's in need of repair, but it's my home and I love it. I wish it were in Maine, but you do what you have to do, you know?

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? We have four now. One downstairs and one for each bedroom. I don't know how that happened exactly, but it did and I like laying in bed watching Mad Men.

38. Who is your loudest friend? I don't know...that's a tough one.

39. How many dogs do you have? One

40. Does someone have a crush on you? I don't know...maybe? This is a weird question...

41. What is your favorite book(s)? Poetry, mystery, I have way too many to list on here...I read all the time and normally have four or five books going at the same time...

42. What is your favorite candy? That depends on my mood. I guess if I had to choose one kind it would be straight Hershey's chocolate, but I like 5th Avenue bars and Heath bars and 3 Musketeers and Milky Way.

43. Favorite Sports Team? RED SOX!!!!

44. Favorite Sports? Baseball...basketball...hockey...skiing...football(yes, I have learned to love football)

45. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Brushing my teeth and washing my face, getting ready for bed. I might have been pooping too...

46. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Did I fart or did Mr.Man fart?

Wow...I am done. Now I shall reward myself with a cup of coffee and a massive tittie whipping to Mr.Man's face...(we're out of cinnamon rolls so he deserves it.)

See ya next time...

In fact, when you get annoyed there ARE subtle things you can do....

Recently, I have found myself to be easily annoyed with people. It doesn't take much to piss me off either. I'm not sure why I have become such a non-tolerant bitch lately, but I can literally go from comatose to epileptic in three seconds...

Let me splain....

I was sitting quietly in my living room and one of Veggie Sticks little friends was talking rather loudly on her cell phone. I was reading and relaxing and trying to unwind a little bit and didn't appreciate the noise, ESPECIALLY since it involved the word "like" a millions times...

Veggie Sticks brain dead friend: "And like,she told him,like,he'd better not even, like, look at another girl because, like, she'd beat his,like,ass.

(The other person on the cell phone with her says something I can't hear)

Veggie Sticks brain dead friend: "Like YEAH! I know, like for real!"

Well let me tell you, the more this went on, the more insane it made me. Seriously, I had thoughts of grabbing that fucking cell phone and smashing it into a million pieces...or setting her on fire.

Instead I asked her if she could please quiet down a little bit.

She gave me one of these looks....



I flew off the couch, grabbed her cell phone, pulled my pants down far enough to expose my ass crack, and ran the mouth piece of the cell phone through the crack of my ass like a debit card through the slot of the ATM machine. Then I threw it on the chair where she'd been sitting, buttoned my pants and sat down and began reading again.

She stood there and blinked at me.
Repeatedly...
But she was quiet and that's really all I cared about.

(Do you think this is the kind of stuff that precedes a nervous breakdown?)

It all ended well though. She walked upstairs and told Veggie Stick what had happened and they ended up laughing hysterically about it. I could hear them upstairs and I think I'm now considered one of the legendary "random" weird things that have happened to them in their short lives.

Whatever....

In other news, I don't have my Christmas tree up and I haven't bought a single thing.
Hmmm....
Strangely enough I don't feel worried about it. In fact I have been feeling a lot lighter and less burdened lately.
Must be my sense of humor getting me through it, no?

There is a driver that works with me who is kind of a complainer. He bitches about EVERYTHING most days and he's a tough one to get in a good mood.
There was one day that he just couldn't seem to find anything he was looking for. He was terribly frustrated and when he called in to ask for directions I could tell that he was on the verge of swerving the delivery truck into oncoming traffic. So instead of just trying to find the place he needed to go to on the map, I called the customer and got directions right up to the front door of the residence.

When I gave him directions, he seemed happy and was grateful for the help and I honestly thought that maybe things would look up for him the rest of the day....

He called back, thirty minutes later, explaining that the woman who'd given me the directions. She had given me wrong ones, but he'd found it anyway. He said he'd driven around the trailer park for a good 15 minutes, looking for a tan trailer, when a 400 pound woman began waving her arms wildly while standing in front of a dirty white trailer.


Out of curiosity, he stopped to ask her if there was something wrong, and she explained that she'd talked to the dispatcher and she was the one expecting a package.

He looked around her at the dirty white trailer and figured that's what she must have meant by a "tan" trailer. He got out of the delivery van and walked over to hand her the package. A breeze blew in behind her and he said he got a whiff of dead fish and burning flesh.

The dead fish made perfect sense to him he said, but the burning flesh was a mystery...

I said, "Maybe the burning flesh came from the friction of her thighs rubbing together as she ran to the door to catch you."

That was enough to give him a good laugh...

My mission for the day was complete...

And for those of you who may stumble across this and think I'm making fun of fat people, shut up.
My thighs rub together when I walk too and on occasion I've been found spread eagle on my bed, in the nude, rubbing A&D ointment on my poor chaffed thighs...hurts like a son-of-a-bitch especially when you're wearing cheap nylons...

Wearing thigh highs helps that problem though....



I'm getting my...ahem...urges back...slowly but surely. I'm sure that Mr.Man has enjoyed the break but it's time to reintroduce him to the nymphomaniacal side of the Blonde Goddess once again...heh heh...

Behave everyone...behave...

Where oh where has my little Blonde gone?

How do I even begin this post? It almost seems foreign to me, this typing down my thoughts stuff. To think that I used to sit down and let everything pour out...like a busted hose....wow.

I'm not as open to that right now.
In fact, it's the reason I'm writing today and the only reason for it.

I LOVE all of you.
And I appreciate the calls and emails and comments.
They mean everything to me.
But I'm still working at healing and part of that healing process for me is to withdraw from society.
I don't know why I'm wired that way, but I am.

I know it must be terribly frustrating to call and leave messages or email me and not hear back. I know you're worried. I'm so sorry. I try to think of something to say and I pick up the phone and I type up an email and I just don't know what to say. I love you but I don't want to talk...(to anyone) and I take a deep breath and think to myself, "It's time to reclaim your life again. Go on...do it!"

But I just can't.
Not yet.

Part of what caused this whole...I don't know...(breakdown?)...(emotional train wreck?)...was a trust issue. Someone that I thought I knew and I thought I could trust hurt me in a way I never thought possible.

And so I'm coping.
And I'm still dealing with it in the best way I can.

I don't know what else to say.

I miss you all.

And I miss myself.

Please don't worry and please don't ever think that I don't want anything to do with any of you. That's just not true. You are all wonderful friends to me and I treasure each and every one of you.

I'm just doing the best I can and unfortunately I'm not being a very good friend to anyone right now.
I know I should make more of an effort but no matter what kind of pep talk I give myself, I just can't make myself do anything.

And do you know what's the saddest part?

Because I'm forced to be out among the public, when I'm out there I find myself putting on a show. I'm funny and witty and smiling like the sun is trying to climb out my mouth...but inside I'm afraid and sad and there is no light...it's all just a heavy, heavy darkness that makes me want to zone out in front of the TV or sleep.

I just don't know.

That's all I can say....

I just don't know.

The 1st day of the rest of my life....

Today will be the 1st day of the rest of my life.
While it may not change anything and it may still take some time to reach a better place, I am done with the unhealthy self-degradation that I subject myself to.

I'm a good person.
And I'm a beautiful person.
I KNOW deep in my heart that I am lovable and kind and it's time I started not only knowing it but FEELING it again.

So....

I'm here and I'm still working through things but I'm here. And that's all that matters.

Hashing it out....

There has been a lot of things going through my mind lately and true to my word, I've been dealing with it alone.
I don't lean on others very well.
Perhaps it comes from my fear of abandonment,(and my previous experiences with that whole nasty thing) or perhaps it comes from the rejection I've experienced when I've allowed people into my "inner sanctum". They like the fun, childish, quirky me but when they see there is something broken inside that requires a little time and a lot of patience, they're not too keen on sticking around.
That marred interior kind of ruins the whole bright shiny exterior. I equate it with looking at a nice new BMW on the lot, only to discover there is trash shoved in beneath the seats. Yeah, you could clean the garbage up, but not many people are willing to put out that kind of investment AND make the effort to clean it up a little bit too....

Part of what I've been dealing with lately is rejection.

No one wants to feel rejected. You grow up believing that if you TRY hard enough, someone will love you, unconditionally, and they'll want to take care of you the way you take care of them.
It's kind of like that whole "50-50" concept.
Except it's a fucking lie.
No one does that bullshit.
You give and you give and believe me, I don't do things half way. I give EVERYTHING. I'm a very loyal person and I'm a very loving person. If you've earned my love and my trust, I will move heaven and earth for you.
I want to be a good person and a good friend and I work very hard at it.

But most of all, I want to be loved.

That's what we all want, isn't it? We want the people we love to love us back, right?
The problem with that is that it doesn't always work out that way.
We can give and give and they will take and take. Yes, they may give us something back, but it's a lot easier to take, so they keep taking and stop giving and then you feel empty and rejected and you hurt...

Sadly, it's not always about us either. Other things get in the way and keep them from giving something back. Maybe it's depression or work or the demands of other people, but it doesn't really matter.
You're alone and they're clueless about how you feel.

Yeah, I know I'm not the only one who's struggled with feeling lonely and rejected before. But it's really got me down and combining that with the other things that are going on in my life makes for a depression cocktail that I try to swallow down every night with a big shot of booze.

Work helps immensely.
I go to work and work my ass off and nothing else goes through my head except work. It's such a nice reprieve from the fear and the tears and feeling like I'm doing something wrong or I'm not good enough.

The bottom line is this.
I'm not happy.
In fact I'm lonely and I'm feeling pretty alone.
Mr. Man is too wrapped up in his own deal right now to even realize how unhappy I am.

End of story.

I'm not the only one to go through this and I'm sure I won't be the last. I just have to deal with it, learn to live with things the way they are and get out of this funk.
But for right now, I'm not feeling very happy, or funny or sociable.

It's ok.
I'm dealing with it the best way I can.
I'm not turning into an alcoholic.

It is what it is.

I have hashed it out for all to see....well...a fraction of what's going through my mind, but never-the-less...I talked about it some.

That's progress maybe.

Now...I'm disabling comments. My email works so you can reach me there but really...I'm ok. I just need some time to digest everything and figure out how to live with it.

The only reason I really wrote about this is because I hated how worried some of you had been.
Don't worry.
I just need some time.

Just because....

"I've loved you with all my heart, but it's all been in vain."

Trust, truth and lost youth....

I'm feeling VERY old lately.
I'm talking decrepit.
When I get home at night all I want to do is lay down.
It's terribly pitiful actually AND to top it all off, I have absolutely NO desire for sex.
If I told you when the last time was that I had sex or even masturbated, you'd think I was lying.
Dead serious....

Yep...it's all getting old on me.
And honestly I don't give a shit.
There's a lot of not really caring too much about anything going on with me lately.
I'm not sure if it's a self preservation thing that's happening or if it's just a big old dose of bitterness enveloping me, but it's there.
And I don't like it...
Not at all...

We found out that Miss KIA has a tumor on her kidney. They don't think it's cancer but they can't be sure until they run more tests. I'm not breaking the news to her because she will absolutely flip the fuck out and she won't be able to concentrate in school or anything else. So we have decided to wait until she goes to the doctor and allow him to explain everything to her. You see, Miss KIA thinks I am a total moron and has no confidence in anything I say or do. So the doctor will be easier on her and allow her to not be so stressed and worried about it.

Guess I'll just have to fill you in on things as we learn about them...I don't know what else to tell you as we are still kind of in the dark too.

Do you ever wonder if someone is lying to you in order to save you from being hurt?
I'd rather have the truth than cling to hope based on a lie....
I think it's easier to hear the truth and let it burn you alive, then peel away the hurt like a layer of dead skin and start all over again.
I have been lied to all my life...broken promises...abandoned over and over again and believe it or not, those things hurt a lot more and for a lot longer time than the painful truth.
Just some food for thought, you know...things going through my head.

I want things to go my way but they never do...I'm going out on a limb here and guessing I'm not alone on this whole thing?
Who else is with me?
It would be nice though, wouldn't it? For thing to work out the way you imagine during those happy daydreams...

Yeah...it would be nice.

Probably impossible though.
I'm planning for the third degree burns when the truth comes pouring out like a scalding grease bath....

It's always good to expect misery. Then if someone happy actually hits you, it's a nice surprise...

Here's to everyone who's as old, cynical and depressed as me.




(Vodka numbs the pain a little...)

Dreams..wacky ways of telling you you're slowly going nuts.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago. It was one of those weird ones that you can't really understand so you keep thinking about it.
I dreamed I was falling...you know...those horrible dreams where you fall to your death and all that jazz. Except in this dream, I wasn't falling to my death. I fell into the ocean from the sky and sank deep into the depths of the ocean.
It was cold and dark and I felt my lungs getting ready to burst. But no matter how hard I tried to swim to the surface it was still too far away for me to reach it. I felt my brain swelling in my head and my body shaking and then suddenly the ocean turned into people.
It literally became an ocean of people.
I took a deep breath and then they all started talking to me, telling me what they wanted from me, what THEY needed from me...
I felt like I was suffocating.
My lungs were burning and I felt like I was being crushed.
I was trying to swim my way out of this ocean of people who wanted me to DO something for all of them and I couldn't get away...

Then I woke up.

Needless to say, it was a sucky dream and furthermore, my chest hurt all day long.

In other news....I am still here, although not often. I get on the computer only once or twice a week lately. I've promised myself that I'm going to try to make more time to get on here. I KNOW I could get a good laugh or dose of wisdom if I'd get on here and read again. But honestly most of my days lately consist of getting up, working, coming home, fixing food, cleaning and then drinking. Yep. It's becoming an every night thing for me. Sure helps me sleep too.
I highly doubt that you'll discover me in an alley somewhere, dressed in several layers of clothing, clinging to a shopping cart, but I'm dealing with things in the best way I know how to.

This too shall pass...I just wish I'd feel normal again.



Heh...normal.

OK. Maybe this place is better?

I believe I have moved from being scared and sad to being angry. And that, I have found, is very empowering.
I'm not the kind of person to hate anyone or anything, but hate is a powerful motivator. It can pull you from the depths of despair and give you a new purpose...a new focus.
As long as I don't allow it to consume me, I think it will help me get through this...

Work is good, although the other day I was surprised to realize that I couldn't wait to get out of there. I think that the reasons for it varied from rude customers I just couldn't shake off to a few other things (things I just don't understand and wonder why the hell they work that way), but I believe, after going to work yesterday, that management has taken steps to try to fix things. I think the business could really flourish with this new kind of leadership. It's a big job though and it's going to take diligence to watch and implement this new plan.

I don't really have anything else I feel like talking about so that's it for now.

Time heals all wounds? Can we speed the clock up here people?

Not to worry please...

I found myself almost giving in to Veggie Stick this morning when she said she didn't feel good and wanted to stay home....(because we all know that giving in is easier than fighting.)
Then it hit me...
I've been giving in and giving up just because I've been too miserable to care.
And I don't like it.
I know I said that blogging isn't the way for me to deal with this thing, but this morning I was so twisted in knots that I felt like my stomach was trying to crawl out my ass. I'm shaky and nervous and it's unsettling to not have control over my physical and emotional state.
Yeah, I put on a good show when I'm out in public. I can lose myself in work and not think about it...but then when it's quiet, like in the car on the way home, in the shower or laying down to sleep at night...it crushes me again....

What I'm dealing with is no different that what fifty million other people have dealt with at one time or another so don't fret. I'll get through it. I just need time.

And just so everyone knows...it has nothing to do with my marriage or my children. I don't want people to read this and speculate that there are problems in either of those areas of my life.

Right now I just need to hurt...then get angry and maybe even learn to hate a little bit.(or a lot...only time will tell)

And that's the truth.

This is going to be right to the point.
I'm really having a hard time dealing with something in my personal life. When I'm not working or staying busy and I find myself alone, all I can do is cry.
I really don't want to talk about it and I don't want to discuss it. It's very personal and I'd rather deal with it alone.
I've lost ten pounds. I don't want to eat and I can't sleep.
So...with that said, I'll be back when I'm ready.

Love to all...I'll miss you but I just need time to learn how to live with things the way they are.

Things to do while waiting for your package...

The first thing I want to do is thank everyone for the calls and emails. Who knew I was so loved?
It was wonderful to find out that I was missed and people were worried about me.
I didn't mean to worry anyone. It's just that things have been pretty...oh I don't know...let's just say that I've been very sad lately. When I get really sad I normally use humor but sometimes I hide out and I've been hiding out. I work and then I come home and clean, watch tv and then sleep. That's about it.

I don't really want to talk about it but I will say that sometimes things happen and you just have to accept them and find a way to live with it.
That's what I've been doing.

I'm living with it.

Of course I can still find humor in my life. In fact I was thinking about some of the more humorous aspects of my job this morning.
You wouldn't believe some of the people I talk to everyday on the phone. They're crazy...just plain old crazy.
A few of these crazies really need a handbook or something to deal with the whole process of delivery. They just don't cope very well with it, you know?
You'd be amazed at the things people expect when they're waiting for a package from some place.

So...because I'm terribly concerned about these people who are PATIENTLY waiting for their packages to arrive, I thought I'd compile a little list of things they can do while they wait for the driver to arrive...

(I'm really nice like that, you know?)

OK...let's do this, shall we?

THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING FOR YOUR PACKAGE TO BE DELIVERED

1. GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!



For fucks' sake, you're not the only person in the whole fucking world and there are other people who are receiving packages too! Regardless of what you think, your package does not arrive where one driver is magically waiting to carry it out to his special truck and place it on a satin pillow, where he will go directly to YOUR house and deliver it IMMEDIATELY. AND..if you happen to not be home when he comes, he'll wait around patiently for hours and hours waiting for you to arrive because he is paid to look out for your package and only your package BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE GODDAMN UNIVERSE!!!!

2. MASTURBATE.



Seriously. If you're that tense and that worked up over a stupid package, you need to get laid. And chances are going to be good that you're not going to appeal to anyone (even the sluttiest and neediest of people) when you're bitching and whining constantly. No one can stand to fuck someone who thinks the universe revolves around them. So pet the kitty, spank the monkey, flick your bic or whatever the hell you need to to but get off the phone and quit your bitching...

3. Lock up all weapons and hide the key from yourself. Look man, I know you're pissed about the package and everything, but there's no reason for anyone to get hurt, ok. The package you're waiting for is just that stupid SHAMWOW towel you wanted to try.



Believe me, you don't want it's first use to be wiping the remains of the delivery guy off the floor of your foyer. You really need to calm the hell down asshole.Besides...you're being as annoying as that dude who sells the Shamwow towels and the whole thing could just get messy.

4. Call someone so you'll stop calling THE DELIVERY COMPANY!!! It tends to irritate us and the drivers when you call every five minutes. We have a special department for processing packages that have received two or more complaints within a 24 hour period.



These guys take their job seriously...Let's just say that if your package arrives wet and it wasn't even raining out, it visited this department before it went out on the truck.

5. Remember...you're satisfaction is our number one priority. We ARE honestly trying to get you your package to you, safely and on time. Keeping this in mind may help you calm down and stop harassing us so we can do our job. Of course if this doesn't help and you don't calm down and you still continue to complain and threaten to get us fired,be assured you're still going to be our number one priority....



It's just in a "different" number one kind of way.

So there you have it.
I'm thinking of making up a brochure for delivery companies worldwide and see how it goes.I think it could help and prevent a whole lot of unpleasant things from happening....

Well....maybe a few times anyway.

I'll see ya when I see ya. Take care...

Lemonade...50 cents

Sometimes you find yourself surrounded with lemons.



So you do what any optimist would do and make lemonade.
You squeeze the sour from each and every lemon until the juice runs between your fingers and the sour smell makes your eyes burn...
Then you add sugar...just a little at first, and icy cold water, saving some of it to relieve the rawness on your hands from all the acidic juice.

Then you take your first drink.
You draw a long time from the cup and after you already have a mouthful, you realize that it's too tart and you long to spit it all out...
But you don't.
You swallow it and you pucker up your mouth, half disapprovingly but mostly disgusted with the taste of it and you add more sugar.

Then you add a whole lot more sugar. After all, more sugar can't hurt it.

So you take another drink, sipping this time to test it and you realize it's pretty damn good. So you drink and drink from this endless supply of lemonade because the lemons keep coming and you keep on making the best of it.

But in time, you grow tired of that sour sweet taste. You come to hate the sight of anything yellow and even lemon scented furniture polish makes your stomach turn. (So you just stop dusting your furniture.)



At night you dream of crystal cold streams flowing freely down majestic mountains, endless skies of azure filled with fluffy white clouds and you wake up happy.

Until you step out of bed and you feel a lemon smashed flat beneath your foot, squished between your toes.

So many lemons...

What to do with them all?

Some people sell their lemonade. They make a lot of money too. Selling novels...



Or books of poetry....some even write songs about their lemons...singing in soft, sad voices that make us all feel united in some way.

Cause we all have lemons...

Honestly, I'm sick of lemons...lemonade...yellow...sour...bitter...

You won't hear this come out of my mouth very often but...I'm going shopping today.



Fucking lemons...

Three..

They say that death comes in threes. This is an old wives tale but it's also been my experience to watch for death once someone I love dies.
With the passing of Upsda, I had wondered if death would visit the small community I call my family and friends and found myself wating anxiously, trying to push it from my mind.

Last weekend my best friends mother died.

My friend "Sandy" and I have known each other forever. We started playing together when I was three and we were inseparable. Needless to say, I spent many, many days at her house. Her mother became my mother. The normalcy her family offered my broken little life was something beautiful. It drew me in and wrapped itself around me like a blanket of reason in a world of confusion. It's hard to explain, really...but it was everything good in my life and once I stepped through the doors of that house,it was like going to Grammie's or Nanas and I felt like nothing could touch me that was bad or harmful.

For her to lose her mother is like me losing mine as well.

So...this is the reason I have not been writing. I grieve better when I am alone with my thoughts. I deal with pain like a wounded animal...running away and staying hidden until I'm healed.

I'm not a superstitious person so worrying about a third person in my life won't be an issue, but it will sit firmly in the back of my mind, pressing itself into my thoughts. And until it leaves and I can finish grieving, my thoughts will not be my own.

I'll be back when they are...

Morbid humor...

What the hell?
I put in the title and BARELY hit enter and the damn thing posts.
Well isn't that going to be an evil trick on some people....
BWAHAHAHA!
Mainly cause I'm writing right now...

oh dammit! Wait and I'll fix it.

Ok.
There.
It's fixed now.

So today I will attempt to distract myself from thinking about bad news. I'm feeling pretty shitty.
In fact...this is me...looking and feeling shitty....



Not bad for my first photo shop attempt right?
Okay! Okay!
It's not great like Moogs stuff, but goddamn it, I'm just getting started!

There's just something about Thursday's that make me feel violent. Especially when I'm feeling shitty.
I got bad news and well...you all know how I deal with that.

Humor.

If I can find something to laugh about in the midst of sorrow, I'm doing better than 90% of the other poor slobs who are wallowing in their misery. And don't send me hate mail. I have wallowed too. I've wallowed so hard and so long in fact that I've only come out of it when hearing someone calling Sooooey! SOOOOEY!



It's funny how misery looks a lot like shit isn't it? Shit and mud...

So. I was already dealing with something and I had two special encounters to make it even more special...

I had to deal with a couple of fucktards today on the phone.

Isn't it an incredible coincidence how two condescending assholes managed to make calls to the same person a mere minute or two apart?
I, of course, was the recipient of these phone calls and let me tell you, these mother fuckers were two of the biggest, SMELLIEST, NASTIEST ASSHOLES I HAVE EVER SPOKEN TO IN MY LIFE!!!

PLUS they were just plain stupid.

You get people calling in to complain about their packages not being delivered to their houses out in no man's land. Of course when you live off a rural road and it has your box number, you could live in any one of the five kazillion hollows along the road.

One son of a bitch actually cussed me before I could even speak. So I didn't say anything. When he said HELLO?...HELLO?.. I said in a very soft voice, that while I should have hung up on him for cursing at me, I would be happy to give him the opportunity to inquire about his package if he promised not to swear at me anymore.
So he started to ask about his package and explain where he lived. It was going pretty well considering everything, when I had to ask him to slow down. I mean, he sounded like an auctioneer and I don't know short hand.
THAT'S when he lost his temper and started cussing me out again.
So I hung up.
He called back.
I answered and he started swearing again.
I hung up again.
He called back.
Swore at me.
CLICK...DUHHHHHH

The stupid son-of-a bitch did it four more times before he called back and spoke to me WITHOUT calling me a stupid bitch or dumb cunt.
When I finished getting directions, I simply hung up.

He'll get his package tomorrow and I swear if there would have been some way for me to piss all over it without having anyone else have to touch it before him, I would have done it.
Fucktard...



So that was the first fucktard I dealt with.
Literally within minutes another one called...

This guy wanted to know why we hadn't delivered his package yet. He said a few derogatory remarks about us not knowing how to conduct business, etc and then when I explained that we hadn't delivered because we couldn't find his residence, he called me a few names (moron, idiot, retard) and snickered at me.
So I calmly...very calmly... asked him to give me directions to his house.
He paused and then said...(and yes, the bastard actually said this)
"Well...I don't know how to explain it. My house is kind of hard to find."

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT!!!

So I led his little condescending asshole baby self along with enough questions about where he lived for us to figure out how to get to his widdle baby asshole house.

I was nearly ready to smash the phone into a million pieces when I hung up.
Of course I can control my temper so to the casual observer, I was cool as a cucumber.

Speaking of cucumbers....



I need to get laid. That's all there is to it.

Anyway, no one wants to hear about my pathetic lack of sex so I'm done for today. I think I'll take a hot bath and have a BIG drink. Then I will probably fall into bed exhausted and dream about salad shooters and what not.

Use your imagination....I can't post that kind of picture on here.

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!!!!!

Are you ready for this???

So it's Tuesday and I'm fucking tired. Yesterday I was so tired that when some goddamn retard in a green truck pissed and moaned because I let some woman turn at the stop light, I leaped from my car...beat my chest and jumped on the hood of my car where I proceeded to take my shirt off and swing it wildly over my head while swearing at the stupid son-of-bitch.

Ok...so I didn't really do that. BUT I thought about it.

I think about doing shit like that ALL the time...I'm pretty sure that without alcohol, I'd be in jail or something.



I like my job. It stimulates me all day long.

What do you do for a living Blonde Goddess?

I test sex toys dammit!



Ok..so once again that's coming from my fantasy world instead of the reality BUT wouldn't it be SWEET if I really could get paid to play with myself all day long?

Actually I work in a dispatch office. I help unload and scan freight. It goes on the belt. It is sorted and loaded on the trucks. Two random trucks are audited. Then back to the office to get directions, keep track of pick ups and deliveries and deal with customers. When that's all finished, the office manager is teaching me how to do payroll and some other office work.
I stay busy all day long and guess what?

That's the way I like it.

Well...there are a couple of things I'm not crazy about.
IN the morning when I first get there, I sweat my ass off. That warehouse is hotter than Satan's balls and I'm not naked OR in the throes of passion so sweating sucks the big one.
On the bright side of things, I think my ass is shrinking...along with my stomach, thighs, love handles...etc. The muscles in my arms are toning up. I call it my hour to two hour work out.



I'd better have a rock hard, incredibly toned body after a couple months of this or I'm going to be fucking pissed.

The second thing I don't like is taking directions from people.
I'm not even from this state so when old Elmer says, "You know where Two Branch meets at Possums Hollow?
NO...I don't have a fucking clue.
It makes me directionally impaired so the entire conversation is a struggle for me.
Then there are the older couples who argue about where they live.
Oh aren't THEY a joy to behold!
I'm caught in the middle of it all, trying to write down everything they say and after they hang up on me because they've almost come to blows over it, I try my best to decipher it all and give the drivers enough to MAYBE find the damn place.

You'd be amazed at how many people don't know where they live.

My bosses read my blog so I won't be specific about where I work. And YES...they read my blog and they STILL hired me. Can you believe that?



I thought I'd pass along the news that Upsda passed away. It's actually been a few weeks but I didn't want to say much about it because of the trolls lurking in the shadows, ready to be king or queen of the assholes at the expense of someone else's grief.
Upsma is doing ok. She and Goldie are spending a lot of time together and that's helping. If I'm not mistaken, I think that Upsma may be selling her house and moving closer to Goldie. I think that would be the best for her. The boys don't live near her anyway and Sgt.Rock is the closest.

Gosh...there's so much going through my head I can't get it all out....

Meh...that's it I think.

I'm starting to feel normal again maybe...a little anyway.

I'll be back and it won't be so long in between posts. I'm getting used to this shit.

Blonde impaired....

Is it just me or has anyone else had a hard time remembering everything they're supposed to?
I feel like my head is full of fucking oatmeal. I can't remember shit, so I'm constantly second guessing myself.
Considering that I've only been at my new job for less than two weeks, this development is not a good one. The stuff I've been learning, I should KNOW...without a doubt...once I am told. I've always had the kind of memory where I can be told once, read it once or go someplace once and I KNOW it. But not anymore! I still have to ask poor old Pops if I'm doing shit right or not. ( out of 10 times I am, but I don't feel like I know it yet and that pisses me off. So I annoy him with questions all day long.
He's a good sport about it all though. And he gets to laugh at stuff I do all day long, so I'm not sure if I'm there to help him and Mommy (my other boss) or provide comic relief.

I promise I'll have a decent update before long, but honestly, when I get home at night all I can think about are the codes and the daily time sheet macros I've had my nose buried in all day. I have to learn them all....the codes, zip codes and routes, among other miscellaneous things, so I've been trying to commit them to memory.
And damn it! The memory isn't what it used to be!

Hopefully my brain won't be fried much longer. I wanted to update last night because I MISS writing in here! I have a lot on my mind but I'm too worn out to purge it. So let's hope I can walk in the door, make dinner and clean up and think long enough to get it all written down soon....

I'm still loving my job too. I don't mind the long days as long as I am busy. But you all know that's how I am anyway. I stay busy even when I'm home,so working nine or ten hours a day doesn't bother me. It's trying to remember everything that's draining me. But I have no doubt it'll come in time.

Be patient with me! I'm adjusting and then I'll be back here in rare form once again!

ZOOOMMMM..hack*sputter*clang*clan*shudder*die....

My fucking car broke down.
So tell me this, why the hell do things like this happen?
Is there a no-sex for you, you'll gain ten pounds just smelling chocolate, and now you'll be hitch hiking to work curse on me?

I left work yesterday and my car was fine...except the air conditioner wouldn't work. So I was annoyed but you know, you can live without an air conditioner. So I zoomed home where Veggie Stick was waiting for me to pick her up and bring her to buy a new pair of ballet shoes. I kissed Little Beatle, who was on his way out the door to a Power game with his little twin buddy, and proceeded to drive like a bat out of hell to the dancewear shop.
Now normally, most people aren't going to race around a corner and slide into a parking spot squealing their tires all the way, but I had no choice yesterday.

Picture me, in my jeans and t-shirt, work gloves sticking out of my back pocket...sweaty, dirty AND sexually frustrated (which translated to pissed off at the world) leaping out of my beat up station wagon that looks like a pack of wild dogs live in it, and little Veggie Stick, walking through a crowd of pretty little grly girls and their fashionable mommies, stepping out of their SUV's and Volvo station wagons.

I'm sure I raised more than a few high brow eye brows....

Whatever...

So we went in the shop and did our business in five minutes flat, with five to spare before they closed and headed out to the car.

THAT'S when it shit the bed....well...started to shit the bed.

I heard it begin to knock, so I cautiously made my way home, breaking the news to Mr.Man over the phone.
Thankfully I did make it home and Mr.Man says he thinks he knows what's wrong with it. So that's good. Now we'll just have to see if he can fix it or not and how much it's going to cost me.

In the meantime, I'm driving his Jeep, which really bothers him for some strange reason. I mean, I've driven standards for longer than he has, so I don't get it, but maybe it's a man thing.

So that's all for today but I will leave you all with a question...

Does it bother you when your spouse has to drive your vehicle? If so then why?

Bucket hats and boobies!Swedish things everyone needs...

OK...so I'm apparently going to need an adjustment period to get used to this job thing. It's not that I'm a wimpy weakling or anything like that....



It's just that I'm working during the day (which I love by the way) and then I come home to the house and I have all that work to do.
It's just occupying my time AND my thoughts.

Creative juices? What's that? As far as that goes, there are no juices flowing...if you get my drift....



God, what a waste....

Anyway, it's not for lack of trying. Last night I'm feeling like a wee bit of a cuddle, you know? So Mr.Man says to me, "Ok, then. Put on a pair of stockings and we'll see what happens."

Now don't get me wrong. I don't mind playing dress up, but I was in the mood NOW and did NOT want to dig in the toy chest for thigh highs. So I said, "Can't we skip the stockings?"
And get THIS SHIT...he said, sure, and ROLLED OVER AND WENT TO SLEEP!

I was so fucking mad that I was frothing at the mouth...

And they say that women are too tired for sex when they work....LIES! ALL LIES I TELL YOU!!! DAMN THEM!

I sat down to download my pictures and realized that the USB cable has shit the bed. Yep...it's KAPUT! OY VEY! (Can I say that even though I'm a Swede?)
Speaking of the whole Swedish thing...
Not only am I in tune with that whole coffee, drinking, fish eating, polka dancing persona...(not to mention the Swedish erotica...heh heh)..I am the proud owner of a Swedish Flag bucket hat.
It's cool as shit...
Of course it's not this hat....



This hat is the shit as well. I want this hat too..in case anyone is stumped on what to buy me because they love me. OK?...

You know, I hate to say it but my brain is fried, it's after ten in the P.M. and I need to get to bed. Who knows? Maybe I'll dig out the stockings and put them on Mr.Man and see what happens, no?

BWAHAHAHA!!!!

OH hell...the camera's not charged...maybe I'll wait for another evening.

I have a job! What the fuck?!?!

Today was the first day of work for me.
I will be working dispatch and there is a lot to learn. Today was just the tip of the iceberg. I kind of learned the computer programs and went through the daily routine. The guy who is training me said it took him months to learn everything and for me not to get discouraged at the slow pace at first. Of course it almost made me insane to just sit and wait and watch and not be able to dive right in because I wanted to DO something.
Guess I'll have to learn how to sit still a little, huh?
Meh...that will only be temporary. Once I learn everything, I'll be able to stay busy all day and THAT will make me happy.

Ok...so enough about work....let's talk about Maine.

Maine was interesting enough this year. Mostly because of my mother and her drama. She is a very controlling and self centered individual. The first two days I stayed at Nana's was great. The kids and I had a chance to visit and relax. It was very nice after not seeing her for two years.
Then my mother arrived.



She literally walked in the door and said her hellos and proceeded to kick me and my family out of the house. I'm serious. Nana's house only has three bedrooms. Nana had her room, Mr.Man and I had the big bedroom with the double bed like we do every year and the other smaller room with twin beds had been prepared for my mother and step-dad.
Well that wasn't good enough for her. For some reason she expected the big room.
Now let me explain about the big room. Yes, it's spacious BUT not only do Mr.Man and I sleep in there, Little Beatle sleeps in there on a blow up mattress and we shove all five of our suitcases in there. Before the kids all got bigger, we ALL slept in there with a cot wedged in between the wall and the bed and the girls on blow up mattresses.
Yep...big room crammed full of people. I could compare the sleeping comfort to that of an entire Mexican village being smuggled across the border in the back of a truck....



Of course whatever the bitch of the universe wants, she gets so she came in the door and then walked up to me and made some shitty comment about not wanting to put Nana out of her room and says she and my step-dad are going to have to go stay at a hotel because there is no place for them.
Total dramatics and completely not true. Nana was never going to be put out of her room.
I of course had my own thoughts on a "place for her".



But anyway...in the interest of maintaining the peace, I packed our shit and moved the entire family out of the room and throughout the house instead. Mr.Man and Little Beatle slept in the small room and the girls and I slept on blow up mattresses in the living room and den.
The whole thing was a bunch of unnecessary bullshit and started the entire week off on a shitty note. It just got worse from there, so after two nights I moved out to my brother's house. It's a beautiful place and there's lots of room, so it was fine with me...not so fine with Nana but my mother is Nana's baby so she's certainly not going to say anything to her. Course that's another tale for another day...today is not the day to tell it.

This post is kind of ranty isn't it?



Eh well...I needed to bitch a little because trust me, she was in rare form this year. Next year I'd prefer to go up there when she's not there. She comes over here to see me anyway so that way she'd have her time with everyone and I'd have my time. It would just work out better, trust me. There'd be no competition as far as her getting all the attention and she wouldn't have any reason to do the stupid shit she does because she feels slighted. It's so idiotic I'm almost embarrassed to write about it.

Let's move on to a few of the good things about Maine this year....

Her bullshit gave me ample excuses to drink. I tried a new beer too.I picked it up in Bangor at Swetts on Hogan Road. We are in the habit of stopping there on our way through and imagine my delight at seeing a new addition to their store. An entire section of local or unusual beers and wines! The beer I purchased is actually not a beer really but more of an English barley wine and at 115 alcohol content it can turn you into a blithering idiot if you're not careful...



Yeah...that's the name of the beer...Blithering Idiot.
We enjoyed a couple two, three and then took this picture....



I swear to god Mr.Man can't hold his liquor like I can. It must be the Viking genes that allow me to consume large quantities of alcohol with only occasional nudity or brawling as a result.
Mr.Man? He gets a huge case of the dumbass...
God I love that man.

Ok...so that's all for now. I have to wash clothes, read blogs and pack me a lunch. Do you know that I couldn't find a coffee maker at work today? The whole establishment would be involved in a major riot if it were located in Sweden.
No coffee???
That's just fucking creepy. I'm hoping I overlooked it...pray for me.

See ya tomorrow!