In fact, when you get annoyed there ARE subtle things you can do....

Recently, I have found myself to be easily annoyed with people. It doesn't take much to piss me off either. I'm not sure why I have become such a non-tolerant bitch lately, but I can literally go from comatose to epileptic in three seconds...

Let me splain....

I was sitting quietly in my living room and one of Veggie Sticks little friends was talking rather loudly on her cell phone. I was reading and relaxing and trying to unwind a little bit and didn't appreciate the noise, ESPECIALLY since it involved the word "like" a millions times...

Veggie Sticks brain dead friend: "And like,she told him,like,he'd better not even, like, look at another girl because, like, she'd beat his,like,ass.

(The other person on the cell phone with her says something I can't hear)

Veggie Sticks brain dead friend: "Like YEAH! I know, like for real!"

Well let me tell you, the more this went on, the more insane it made me. Seriously, I had thoughts of grabbing that fucking cell phone and smashing it into a million pieces...or setting her on fire.

Instead I asked her if she could please quiet down a little bit.

She gave me one of these looks....



I flew off the couch, grabbed her cell phone, pulled my pants down far enough to expose my ass crack, and ran the mouth piece of the cell phone through the crack of my ass like a debit card through the slot of the ATM machine. Then I threw it on the chair where she'd been sitting, buttoned my pants and sat down and began reading again.

She stood there and blinked at me.
Repeatedly...
But she was quiet and that's really all I cared about.

(Do you think this is the kind of stuff that precedes a nervous breakdown?)

It all ended well though. She walked upstairs and told Veggie Stick what had happened and they ended up laughing hysterically about it. I could hear them upstairs and I think I'm now considered one of the legendary "random" weird things that have happened to them in their short lives.

Whatever....

In other news, I don't have my Christmas tree up and I haven't bought a single thing.
Hmmm....
Strangely enough I don't feel worried about it. In fact I have been feeling a lot lighter and less burdened lately.
Must be my sense of humor getting me through it, no?

There is a driver that works with me who is kind of a complainer. He bitches about EVERYTHING most days and he's a tough one to get in a good mood.
There was one day that he just couldn't seem to find anything he was looking for. He was terribly frustrated and when he called in to ask for directions I could tell that he was on the verge of swerving the delivery truck into oncoming traffic. So instead of just trying to find the place he needed to go to on the map, I called the customer and got directions right up to the front door of the residence.

When I gave him directions, he seemed happy and was grateful for the help and I honestly thought that maybe things would look up for him the rest of the day....

He called back, thirty minutes later, explaining that the woman who'd given me the directions. She had given me wrong ones, but he'd found it anyway. He said he'd driven around the trailer park for a good 15 minutes, looking for a tan trailer, when a 400 pound woman began waving her arms wildly while standing in front of a dirty white trailer.


Out of curiosity, he stopped to ask her if there was something wrong, and she explained that she'd talked to the dispatcher and she was the one expecting a package.

He looked around her at the dirty white trailer and figured that's what she must have meant by a "tan" trailer. He got out of the delivery van and walked over to hand her the package. A breeze blew in behind her and he said he got a whiff of dead fish and burning flesh.

The dead fish made perfect sense to him he said, but the burning flesh was a mystery...

I said, "Maybe the burning flesh came from the friction of her thighs rubbing together as she ran to the door to catch you."

That was enough to give him a good laugh...

My mission for the day was complete...

And for those of you who may stumble across this and think I'm making fun of fat people, shut up.
My thighs rub together when I walk too and on occasion I've been found spread eagle on my bed, in the nude, rubbing A&D ointment on my poor chaffed thighs...hurts like a son-of-a-bitch especially when you're wearing cheap nylons...

Wearing thigh highs helps that problem though....



I'm getting my...ahem...urges back...slowly but surely. I'm sure that Mr.Man has enjoyed the break but it's time to reintroduce him to the nymphomaniacal side of the Blonde Goddess once again...heh heh...

Behave everyone...behave...