Welkcome to a New Year Ladies and Gentlemen!

When I was a kid my brother and I always spent New Year's eve at Nana and Pa's house. It was without fail because my mother sure as hell was not going to stay home. She'd spend DAYS finding the right outfit and deciding how to fix her hair...man, it was a great production...and she always wanted to make sure her New Year's eve was perfect...



Got to LOVE those 70's clothes, right?

Anyway, my brother and I would be deposited at my grandparents house early in the day(if we weren't there already) and our own New Year's eve celebration would be begin.
My Nana always made sure we had plenty to do. She'd have a puzzle set up on the card table for us to work on and we'd have a stack of games to play. A lot of our toys were already at her house, so we had those to play with, but my grandparents were determined that we have a special night too. Because the Christmas tree was still set up, they'd wrap small gifts for us and put those under the Christmas tree so we'd have New Year's gifts to open after dinner. It was small stuff like paper dolls and matchbox cars and yoyo's or a jump rope, but it was such a treat for us. We really did feel like we were having our own celebration.

I loved paper dolls and my two favorite sets were these ones...





There was always the issue of having more women than men so even Jughead got in on the action...Melody was normally his woman.(And in case you're curious, I always put Betty with Archie. She was, after all, the nice girl and deserved him.)

We would bake cookies or make candy in the afternoon and then I would help Nana make our dinner. We'd have a nice pork roast with all the trimmings and for dessert there would be rice pudding. It's a tradition that I still carry on today with my own family.
After dinner, we'd clean everything up. My brother and Pa would sit in their chairs in the living room and shoot Nana with those sucker gun darts as she tried to wash dishes.Then they'd laugh and laugh about it. I can still hear Pa laughing in my mind...



Those little suckers stung if they hit you in just the right spot. I always figured that Nana would grab one and try to shove it up Pa's ass, but she never did...and yes, my brother had this exact set...(Starksky was the hottie In My Opinion...just saying...)

I'm not sure why, but it seems as though Lawrence Welk was on every New Year's eve. Or maybe it's just because the local television station aired it, but I can remember it being on and my Nana and Pa dancing to it in the living room. My brother and I would laugh and fidget on the couch, but they didn't seem to notice us.
I guess that's the difference between them and my mom. An episode of Lawrence Welk on a black and white television was enough for them....



Almost as good as a Swedish Polka, isn't it?

I'm not sure what Mr.Man and I are doing tonight. While I enjoy going out, he is not so keen on it. And to be honest,as long as he is holding me tight, I can be happy watching Jeremiah Johnson for the 900th time or watching how they make tires on the Discovery channel OR play a game of Trivial Pursuit where he will kick my ass soundly and accuse me of getting all the "easy" questions in the event that I win.

I will make a nice dinner for my family and rice pudding, and then we can play games, (although Little Beatle is really the only one who likes to play anymore). We've had a couple of friends ask us to do something with them, but I'm not sure if we will or not...

Whatever it is that you find yourself doing this evening, before you retire and wake to a New Year, or as you watch the Ball drop in Times Square...I leave you with this thought and the hope that 2009 will bring you all peace, prosperity and good health...

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce"

Happy New Year everyone!!!!

Consistency, the thickness of soup....or broth...both will fill your belly...

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!!!!YES!!! I KNOW!!! SO STOP IT RIGHT THIS MINUTE BECAUSE I CAN EXPLAIN!!! HONEST TO GOD, I CAN EXPLAIN!!!



CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU THINK....I AM NOT IGNORING YOU!!!!

Miss KIA had monopolized the computer for the past week catching up on her online Health. In order to be able to take all AP classes this year, she was required to take her health class online to free up that block. (It's a required class and she needs it to graduate.) So while I am grateful that she has this option, she has decided to work on her health and get all her assignments turned in so she can concentrate on her other classes once school resumes...which means I am NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE COMPUTER!!!!

It has been HORRIBLE!!! I finally resorted to drugging her cocoa last night and she's still sleeping this morning...


ok...so not really...but she IS still sleeping so I don't know how much time we have together, ok? (Why do I feel like I'm involved in some tawdry affair?)

You know what I've noticed lately? People like consistency. Go figure...I am a fan of it too, I suppose, but I'm just as forgiving if it's not there. During my hiatus, I lost some readers or lost the daily check in I had established. And I'm ok with that.I don't get to read everyone's blogs everyday. It's been impossible and I have limited time on the computer. I'm not upset about it, I have just noticed it. I think blogs are an escape much the way TV is and when you're not entertaining, people just don't find an escape. That's why I kept private journals up until a few years ago. Sometimes I think I should go into them and post some of the things on here (cause some things are just plain old hysterical) but then I think that maybe I'm compromising that entire, "This blog is really only here for me and I write for myself thing."

Yeah I didn't write in here for awhile but I kept a private journal for my eyes only. I still wrote but it wasn't anything I wanted to share with anyone.
The thing I was going through was frightening and emotionally draining and I just couldn't share myself and put myself out there during that time. It involved a very delicate situation and I had no desire to see my entire family terrorized the way I was terrorized.
Just be careful of the people you are acquainted with.
They can be Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde and you may find that you're not as safe as you think you are.
Things can literally go from this....


To this...


And you will be so shocked by it all that you won't know how to react or what to do...and then you'll just be scared.

And guess what?
You keep feeling scared and it doesn't go away....

But you deal with it the best way you can...

I'm just so grateful for my Mr.Man who loves me and makes me feel SAFE. He is a good man and while he makes me crazy sometimes and he can be kind of selfish, I know he would never hurt me in any way. I know he would never hurt our children either. I am so grateful for him and the life we share together.

Sometimes you don't understand why bad things happen but I think they happen to make you appreciate the things you take for granted....like the knowledge that your husband would never hurt you or threaten you in any way.That's not the kind of thing I just sat around and thought about all the time and now it is one of the most important things to me.
He would never hurt or threaten anyone else either.

There are a lot of scary people out there who would hurt you if the opportunity were to arise. They are people you know and have never felt endangered by.

Be careful...

I am too trusting...I WAS too trusting and would have never thought anyone would threaten me in any way, but it can happen...and it does happen...and you don't even have to do anything to provoke or encourage it...

So while you may occasionally get this now because of the past couple of months....



You're still gonna get this most of the time....



To sum it all up...you're gonna get the real deal here and it's going to be me....whatever that is.
I'm going to write in here though because I need to and I want to. That is something that won't change, even if my style or consistency does.

A thought for the day....

I got a phone call last night from my boss. Apparently I was not supposed to be "let go" until Friday. It was a misunderstanding and so I'm off to work this morning again for three more days. Which I am ok with. I have really enjoyed my job and I know I'm not losing it because they don't want me there anymore. The business is dissolving and there is not enough work to keep me on. That makes a difference. I wouldn't want to be paid for not doing anything. Luckily I have been able to keep busy right up until it's time for me to leave and I have been leaving as soon as my work is done. There was only one day that I had to kill an hour or so by cleaning out my sewing basket which was sitting in the car and that was a HORRIBLE day. I was bored out of my mind and felt guilty about just waiting for someone to call in and need something. Hated it.....

So...I'm off to work shortly but I wanted to leave you all with a little something that popped into my head right after I got the call to show up for the rest of the week.

"Well, you know what they say....Flexibility is the key to success when dealing with work, relationships and sex."


Words of wisdom from the Blonde Goddess folks!

Have a good day and watch out...it's Elderly Hell day!!!

INSTRUMENT OF TORTURE!!!

For the last hour and a half I have been cursing and pulling my hair...and no...it's not because I've been having sex.
I have been attempting to operate the most heinous of all machinery known to mankind...



Yep...that's right. It's a fucking sewing machine.
Let me tell you something about a sewing machine. When you're in a hurry it fucks up every other stitch. The goddamn needle breaks AND the shitty little bobbin gets tangled up,ripping half the material into shreds because the needle gets stuck in the foot of the machine and won't let loose.

I curse the day I learned how to sew!!!



I was actually happy when my great-grandmother offered to teach me how to sew. I learned how to sew because the hand-me-downs I got from my cousins didn't fit me right. So she taught me how to fix my clothes to fit me. Having clothes that fit was a treat...

But had I know what kind of hell I would end up being subjected to at the hands of a sewing machine, I would have continued to walk around looking like a hobo and never touched the damn thing!

I should be grateful that I know how to use a sewing machine. It's an acquired skill much like my sexual experience, yet here I am complaining about something I can do well that potentially can make me money....



NO! NO!!! NOT THAT!!!
SEWING!!! SEWING CAN MAKE ME MONEY!!!

People make a lot of money making things and selling them OR altering clothes, making costumes,sewing slipcovers or curtains....you can do a lot of things when you know how to sew.

And, it would seem that I'd better be looking for a way to earn some money. I got laid off from my job today.
Yep...I'm officially unemployed now. Too bad I didn't work long enough to collect unemployment. I mean, I knew I'd be getting done and it probably wouldn't last until the end of January, but I was pretty shocked to learn that I was getting done today. There was no warning and nothing said about it until I was already at work.

Sooo....any suggestions for going into business for myself???
Let me know what YOU think about it and I'll be back, apparently, tomorrow.

IN the meantime I believe I will continue to work on fixing this machine so I can get something done....wish me luck!

WINE IS FINE

There is something really great about a wine buzz.
Your face feels all tingly and stuff and you start thinking about the craziest shit, you know?

I was thinking about the time Mr.Man and I went to Wright Patterson Air Force Base for Mr.Man's back surgery. Miss KIA was just a baby and I had just weaned her off breast feeding so I could travel with Mr.Man on the medivac flight and be there for the surgery.
My tits were ROCK HARD and I could have busted concrete with them...NOT EVEN SHITTING YOU!!!
(I'm a teensy-weensy intoxicated, can you tell???)
Yeah so anyhow, my tits were still huge and solid, kind of like those little bowling balls for candlepin bowling.
See picture below...



I wasn't really still supposed to be leaking milk but I did anyway, so there were some issues on the plane. I was fine when I was awake but when I fell asleep, they leaked. So...since I get terribly car sick, air sick, motion sick etc...I took some medicine that knocked me out. Needless to say, when the plane landed, I had two FUCKING GIANT WET SPOTS ON THE FRONT OF MY SHIRT!!!

Needless to say, I was gawked at by EVERYONE...thankfully I'm a shameless harlot who didn't give a shit and shrugged the entire thing off. Mr.Man was too high on morphine to even remember my name so it all worked out for the best.

We ended up staying in Billeting the 1st several nights we were there.Mr.Man had to wait on a bed to open up before they could do surgery on him. For some odd reason, we decided that it would be fun to go to the NCO club and get drunk. Yes, Mr.Man was on morphine so I'm not sure why I thought it would be a good idea for me to get drunk but in hindsight, it was a BAD idea...a VERY BAD idea.

We stayed at the club, eating hot wings and drinking and then when we got back to billeting, we decided that we'd screw and do it up big time. I supposed we figured he'd be out of commission for awhile so we might as well get in one last time before the drought.
We went at it like we'd both taken massive quantities of horny pills and after thrashing about until the mattress came halfway off the bed, I puked chicken wings until my brains almost came out and Mr.Man cried like a baby from the pain.

Smart, weren't we?

The next morning, we stepped out of the door. The poor guy who'd spent the night in the room next to us was standing outside. He watched me come out, carrying both duffel bags of our clothes and then Mr.Man appear, leaning on a cane and winching with every step.
The guy looked me over and then winked at Mr.Man.

We had a good laugh about that for sure....

Meh...I don't know why I'm blathering on about this particular experience but it popped into my head and I figured I'd share.
I'm such a generous person that way...LOL

OK...so now you know one of the things that has popped into my head when I get a little bit of a buzz going.
What kinds of things do YOU think about???
Care to share????

Time to sleep this one off...see ya when the urge strikes again!!!

Yep...it's closing in on me...time to wrap my head in tinsel and hide!

Does anyone have any fucking idea how many days there are until Christmas!!!
Man, I have been trying my damnest to get motivated and actually buy something, but I have yet to purchase one thing for anyone.
I'm not even kidding.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME????


Look, I'm trying the best I can, ok? It's very hard to go shopping when you're busy laying around drunk, trying to take advantage of your hot husband.

By the way, Mr.Man says I'm making him old before his time.
Goddamn crybaby. That's what I say. Suck it up and take it like a man, I say.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MR.MAN?



Yeah, yeah....I know. I can't figure it out either.

Most men would be THRILLED with a wife who lusts after him constantly! Whatfuckingever!!!

ANYWAY...in order to use up some of this crazy energy I have I am going to DO something to prepare for Christmas!!!

Tomorrow.....

Yes, that is pretty lame but procrastination is an art and I am one of the artist who make it a wonderful experience for the senses.



Yes, I am a loser who lacks motivation and the ability to take life seriously. What of it? You watch me do the things I do, so you already know this about me....

Speaking of that, would anyone be interested in watching my life, VIA a webcam? (No naughty bits will be included before you blurt your answer out pervs...)

There have been a few suggestions from people, mostly people who live near me and actually witness the madness, that they'd like to see with their own two eyeballs the events as they unfold...(the ones they miss).
Personally, the thought of it scares me, although I'd be happy to reenact the entire swiping the cell phone through the crack of my ass trick...(which was real by the way)...

Meh...let me know what you think. I've been mulling it over and for security purposes I suppose I'd have to think of a way to monitor everyone watching. It hurts my head to think about it really...I'm sure that someone smarter than me could come up with something.

That pretty much includes everyone in the universe...

Well...except for this guy...



Let me know what you think, alrightie???

I'm doing this because I feel like it...so there....

I have read this MeMe thing on several of my blog roll friends blogs and I thought to myself, "Self! Why the hell don't you ever do anything like that?"
So I figured I'd discipline myself to get up this morning and do it.
(Aren't you happy?)



Yeah, whatever...here it is anyway...

46 Odd Things about The Blonde Goddess....

1.Do you like blue (sic) cheese? YES!!! I EAT IT!!! As God is my witness, I like it and I enjoy it. I can't believe how many people don't like it. Believe me, I have had a lot nastier things in my mouth before than bleu cheese dressing.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Never touched the stuff in any form, although my behavior would say otherwise....

3.Do you own a gun? Yes, we do own some and most of them are older than our house.Mr. Man only spends extraordinary amounts of money on things that are old and dirty and rusty.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I have never been to a Sonic. I don't even know if they have one around here. Besides, we never eat out. I always cook.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No...I always welcome the opportunity to take my clothes off and show my bits to people as long as it's legitimate...

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like em but only if they're red hot dogs, steamed and sitting in a lightly toasted bun, covered in ketchup, mustard, relish and chopped onions.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? The Christmas Story. Oddly enough the father in that movie reminds me of Mr.Man...

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Hot coffee, sometimes with cream and sugar and sometimes without...

9. Can you do push ups? Only if you're talking about a push-up bra. I can do those just fine....

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? I don't have any expensive jewelry (but I have a slew of fucking old guns and shit)...BUT I do have my great-grandmother's engagement ring and my grandmother's class ring. They both mean the world to me.

11. Favorite hobby? I was going to say crafting and writing and legitimate stuff like that, but honestly sex is my hobby. I'm a big enough person to admit it.

12. Do you have A.D.D ? That depends...if A.D.D. stands for A Dozen Dildo's then yes, I do...*GRIN*

13. What is one trait you hate about yourself? I tend to withdraw into myself when I'm upset or stressed. I don't want to do it and I don't mean to do it, but I do. It's something I learned as a child and I'm trying to stop it.

14. Middle name? Jean

15. What is your favorite TV show or movie? TV: Mad Men~~~ Movie:I'm not sure. I love foreign films, especially Swedish ones... Fanny and Alexander is wonderful!

16. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Milk, Vodka and cat litter...(such is my life)

17. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Coffee, water and vodka...heh heh

18. Current worry? There are so many and I'm trying to get away from them that I think I'll pass on this one....

19. Current hate right now? I try not to hate anything but if I have to choose something, it's people who target other people because they have nothing better to do with their pathetic lives and instead of doing something to make their lives better, they pick other people's lives apart...

20. Favorite place to be? Maine...I am so terribly homesick all the time....but being with my husband and children is still good no matter where we are.

21. Where would you like to go? Sweden to see where my grandparents and great grandparents lived, England and Ireland to see the area that Mr.Man's relatives lived, the rest of the United States that I haven't visited, and a dozen other countries with archaeological sights that would be completely awesome to see.

22. Name three people who will complete this? Over three people I know have already done this and I'm probably the last to do it...

24. What shirt are you wearing? Tank top with sleep pants...it's Sunday morning...

25. What year would you go back in time to? I don't know...there are so many to choose from. I can't decide...

26. Can you whistle? Yes I can but I don't do it very often. My great-grandmother used to tell me that if I whistled in the house, snakes would come in through the floor and bite me. (I think she really hated whistling, don't you?)

27. Favorite color? Green

28. Would you be a pirate? I'm not sure. I get car sick and I don't know how I would do on a boat. Plus I hate to mop and I'd probably take my eye out with a sword...I don't know...

29. Favorite girl's name? Linnea...I wanted to name Veggie Stick that, but I was out voted...meh....

30. Favorite boy's name? I don't know. I sat here for a good three or four minutes and I couldn't think of one...

31. Last thing you dreamed about? I was cross country skiing and there was nothing in front of me but open fields covered with snow...pine trees in the distance..bright sunlight...pure bliss. I love it when I dream of Maine...

32. What's in your pocket right now? My cell phone..

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Mr.Man dancing to KC& The Sunshine Band last night after a few mixers...hahaha

34.Best Halloween costume? Hooker...I could have made some serious cash...LOL

35. Worst injury you've ever had? I skinned all the hide off one side of my body once when my cousin Greg and I decided to ride his motorbike over a dirt pile and jump it. Needless to say, we jumped the damn thing and landed on our sides...I still have a rock in the skin on my hip. You can feel it.

36. Do you like where you live? I like my house. It's not fancy and it's in need of repair, but it's my home and I love it. I wish it were in Maine, but you do what you have to do, you know?

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? We have four now. One downstairs and one for each bedroom. I don't know how that happened exactly, but it did and I like laying in bed watching Mad Men.

38. Who is your loudest friend? I don't know...that's a tough one.

39. How many dogs do you have? One

40. Does someone have a crush on you? I don't know...maybe? This is a weird question...

41. What is your favorite book(s)? Poetry, mystery, I have way too many to list on here...I read all the time and normally have four or five books going at the same time...

42. What is your favorite candy? That depends on my mood. I guess if I had to choose one kind it would be straight Hershey's chocolate, but I like 5th Avenue bars and Heath bars and 3 Musketeers and Milky Way.

43. Favorite Sports Team? RED SOX!!!!

44. Favorite Sports? Baseball...basketball...hockey...skiing...football(yes, I have learned to love football)

45. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Brushing my teeth and washing my face, getting ready for bed. I might have been pooping too...

46. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Did I fart or did Mr.Man fart?

Wow...I am done. Now I shall reward myself with a cup of coffee and a massive tittie whipping to Mr.Man's face...(we're out of cinnamon rolls so he deserves it.)

See ya next time...

In fact, when you get annoyed there ARE subtle things you can do....

Recently, I have found myself to be easily annoyed with people. It doesn't take much to piss me off either. I'm not sure why I have become such a non-tolerant bitch lately, but I can literally go from comatose to epileptic in three seconds...

Let me splain....

I was sitting quietly in my living room and one of Veggie Sticks little friends was talking rather loudly on her cell phone. I was reading and relaxing and trying to unwind a little bit and didn't appreciate the noise, ESPECIALLY since it involved the word "like" a millions times...

Veggie Sticks brain dead friend: "And like,she told him,like,he'd better not even, like, look at another girl because, like, she'd beat his,like,ass.

(The other person on the cell phone with her says something I can't hear)

Veggie Sticks brain dead friend: "Like YEAH! I know, like for real!"

Well let me tell you, the more this went on, the more insane it made me. Seriously, I had thoughts of grabbing that fucking cell phone and smashing it into a million pieces...or setting her on fire.

Instead I asked her if she could please quiet down a little bit.

She gave me one of these looks....



I flew off the couch, grabbed her cell phone, pulled my pants down far enough to expose my ass crack, and ran the mouth piece of the cell phone through the crack of my ass like a debit card through the slot of the ATM machine. Then I threw it on the chair where she'd been sitting, buttoned my pants and sat down and began reading again.

She stood there and blinked at me.
Repeatedly...
But she was quiet and that's really all I cared about.

(Do you think this is the kind of stuff that precedes a nervous breakdown?)

It all ended well though. She walked upstairs and told Veggie Stick what had happened and they ended up laughing hysterically about it. I could hear them upstairs and I think I'm now considered one of the legendary "random" weird things that have happened to them in their short lives.

Whatever....

In other news, I don't have my Christmas tree up and I haven't bought a single thing.
Hmmm....
Strangely enough I don't feel worried about it. In fact I have been feeling a lot lighter and less burdened lately.
Must be my sense of humor getting me through it, no?

There is a driver that works with me who is kind of a complainer. He bitches about EVERYTHING most days and he's a tough one to get in a good mood.
There was one day that he just couldn't seem to find anything he was looking for. He was terribly frustrated and when he called in to ask for directions I could tell that he was on the verge of swerving the delivery truck into oncoming traffic. So instead of just trying to find the place he needed to go to on the map, I called the customer and got directions right up to the front door of the residence.

When I gave him directions, he seemed happy and was grateful for the help and I honestly thought that maybe things would look up for him the rest of the day....

He called back, thirty minutes later, explaining that the woman who'd given me the directions. She had given me wrong ones, but he'd found it anyway. He said he'd driven around the trailer park for a good 15 minutes, looking for a tan trailer, when a 400 pound woman began waving her arms wildly while standing in front of a dirty white trailer.


Out of curiosity, he stopped to ask her if there was something wrong, and she explained that she'd talked to the dispatcher and she was the one expecting a package.

He looked around her at the dirty white trailer and figured that's what she must have meant by a "tan" trailer. He got out of the delivery van and walked over to hand her the package. A breeze blew in behind her and he said he got a whiff of dead fish and burning flesh.

The dead fish made perfect sense to him he said, but the burning flesh was a mystery...

I said, "Maybe the burning flesh came from the friction of her thighs rubbing together as she ran to the door to catch you."

That was enough to give him a good laugh...

My mission for the day was complete...

And for those of you who may stumble across this and think I'm making fun of fat people, shut up.
My thighs rub together when I walk too and on occasion I've been found spread eagle on my bed, in the nude, rubbing A&D ointment on my poor chaffed thighs...hurts like a son-of-a-bitch especially when you're wearing cheap nylons...

Wearing thigh highs helps that problem though....



I'm getting my...ahem...urges back...slowly but surely. I'm sure that Mr.Man has enjoyed the break but it's time to reintroduce him to the nymphomaniacal side of the Blonde Goddess once again...heh heh...

Behave everyone...behave...