Morbid humor...

What the hell?
I put in the title and BARELY hit enter and the damn thing posts.
Well isn't that going to be an evil trick on some people....
BWAHAHAHA!
Mainly cause I'm writing right now...

oh dammit! Wait and I'll fix it.

Ok.
There.
It's fixed now.

So today I will attempt to distract myself from thinking about bad news. I'm feeling pretty shitty.
In fact...this is me...looking and feeling shitty....



Not bad for my first photo shop attempt right?
Okay! Okay!
It's not great like Moogs stuff, but goddamn it, I'm just getting started!

There's just something about Thursday's that make me feel violent. Especially when I'm feeling shitty.
I got bad news and well...you all know how I deal with that.

Humor.

If I can find something to laugh about in the midst of sorrow, I'm doing better than 90% of the other poor slobs who are wallowing in their misery. And don't send me hate mail. I have wallowed too. I've wallowed so hard and so long in fact that I've only come out of it when hearing someone calling Sooooey! SOOOOEY!



It's funny how misery looks a lot like shit isn't it? Shit and mud...

So. I was already dealing with something and I had two special encounters to make it even more special...

I had to deal with a couple of fucktards today on the phone.

Isn't it an incredible coincidence how two condescending assholes managed to make calls to the same person a mere minute or two apart?
I, of course, was the recipient of these phone calls and let me tell you, these mother fuckers were two of the biggest, SMELLIEST, NASTIEST ASSHOLES I HAVE EVER SPOKEN TO IN MY LIFE!!!

PLUS they were just plain stupid.

You get people calling in to complain about their packages not being delivered to their houses out in no man's land. Of course when you live off a rural road and it has your box number, you could live in any one of the five kazillion hollows along the road.

One son of a bitch actually cussed me before I could even speak. So I didn't say anything. When he said HELLO?...HELLO?.. I said in a very soft voice, that while I should have hung up on him for cursing at me, I would be happy to give him the opportunity to inquire about his package if he promised not to swear at me anymore.
So he started to ask about his package and explain where he lived. It was going pretty well considering everything, when I had to ask him to slow down. I mean, he sounded like an auctioneer and I don't know short hand.
THAT'S when he lost his temper and started cussing me out again.
So I hung up.
He called back.
I answered and he started swearing again.
I hung up again.
He called back.
Swore at me.
CLICK...DUHHHHHH

The stupid son-of-a bitch did it four more times before he called back and spoke to me WITHOUT calling me a stupid bitch or dumb cunt.
When I finished getting directions, I simply hung up.

He'll get his package tomorrow and I swear if there would have been some way for me to piss all over it without having anyone else have to touch it before him, I would have done it.
Fucktard...



So that was the first fucktard I dealt with.
Literally within minutes another one called...

This guy wanted to know why we hadn't delivered his package yet. He said a few derogatory remarks about us not knowing how to conduct business, etc and then when I explained that we hadn't delivered because we couldn't find his residence, he called me a few names (moron, idiot, retard) and snickered at me.
So I calmly...very calmly... asked him to give me directions to his house.
He paused and then said...(and yes, the bastard actually said this)
"Well...I don't know how to explain it. My house is kind of hard to find."

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT!!!

So I led his little condescending asshole baby self along with enough questions about where he lived for us to figure out how to get to his widdle baby asshole house.

I was nearly ready to smash the phone into a million pieces when I hung up.
Of course I can control my temper so to the casual observer, I was cool as a cucumber.

Speaking of cucumbers....



I need to get laid. That's all there is to it.

Anyway, no one wants to hear about my pathetic lack of sex so I'm done for today. I think I'll take a hot bath and have a BIG drink. Then I will probably fall into bed exhausted and dream about salad shooters and what not.

Use your imagination....I can't post that kind of picture on here.

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!!!!!