10 things I would like to say to people one day...

Old Moog posted this little MeMe thing and I decided to go ahead and do it.
I mean...I'm trapped at home today, am I not?
It's elderly hell day and I will not leave the house. I might as well find something else to do right?

I haven't really given this much thought but I figured something would pop into my head so here we go...

"10 THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO PEOPLE ONE DAY."

1. "There's nothing wrong with getting drunk and disorderly."

This of course would be said to the Jesus police I live near, whom I can not say anything to because they will not speak to me...



You get drunk and pass out in your back yard ONCE and they never forget it, you know?

2. "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY YOU HATEFUL OLD SACK OF GUTS!"

I'd have to say that this is a phrase I'd love to be able to repeat...every Tuesday in fact when shopping at Krogers.



God they hate me...they really do.

3. "Sorry. You'll have to get a bottle of water from the fridge. Our kitchen sink only has beer coming out of it."

Now WHO wouldn't want to be able to say that? I think a lot of people I know would be MUCH happier if they drank more beer and less water. Besides...beer is a cure all. What kind of idiot doesn't know that?



"Beer is the pee of the Devil."

Yeah...whatever...shut up already. We're not buying into your lies anymore chump.

4. "I was in a coma for six weeks because of multiple orgasms."

Now don't get me wrong. I've been attempting this with and without Mr.Man's help...so far I've been unable to walk for an hour but I've never lost consciousness. Still it's always nice to keep trying...



And # 4 leads me to # 5...

5. "I'VE WON A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF BATTERIES!"

I think this one explains itself...you know...I get tense sometimes and I need a "personal massager"...



Ohhh...those sore neck muscles..heh heh...

6. " No...it's fine with me if the entire team wants to autograph my naked body."

This...of course...will be said to the Boston Red Sox after meeting them in person because I have lifetime tickets to watch each and every game because I won them or inherited them or something like that...



I would be in the CENTER of that flesh pile...

7. "I have a personal shopper."

Do you have ANY idea how much I detest shopping? I believe shopping was invented as a device of torture meant to torment and upset people like me.



I'd much rather be home drinking beer from the sink while attempting that coma ok?

8. "Round up the rest of the escaped men and bring them back to the ranch."



I think I'll keep the reason for this one to myself...but feel free to use your imagination...

9. " LET THE SPANKINGS COMMENCE!"

OK...this isn't what you think. Not really anyway. I'd just like to see every person who's pissed me off be punished. If they have made me mad long enough for me to really think about it...let's say maybe an hour or more...they should be spanked with me supervising the entire thing. Even though you may not believe me, the amount of spankings would be limited to a handful of people. There would be a few but they would be well deserved.



BWAHAHAHA!!!!

10. "You can deposit my royalty checks from the book, movie rights...etc...into my Swiss account."

Yes...that's right. Some day this Blonde Goddess will be rich...RICH I say! All because of my autobiography...(which will include all of you and the witty things I have learned from you.)
Sadly I won't be able to go ANYWHERE without being recognized...



"No autographs please..."

So I will be forced to go out disguised in "movie star" mode...



The Boston red Sox will brag how they autographed my naked body once and the scandalous "Man Ranch" will be discovered but it won't matter. I'll be drunk and sequestered in my mansion...with a life time supply of batteries and plenty of mini-coma's to occupy my time...

So there...

Go check out the Moog...he's a nut. It's his fault I wrote this today.