Why is it that when he takes vacation the one thing he wants to do the most is aggravate me?
I feel extremely violent.
Of course those special violent feelings could be channeled into sex if he played his cards right, but he won't. He'll continue to annoy me until my head hurts and everything that comes out of my mouth is LOUD!
Mr.Man: So honey, can I clean out our bank account and buy useless things that are outrageously priced?
Me: I'M GOING TO BLUDGEON YOU TO DEATH IN YOUR SLEEP!!!!
Yep...four more days of fun...woo fucking hoo...
There are some things I've learned over the years that I want to share with you today. They are all, of course, completely random but completely true...(at least they've been a constant truth in my life.)
The Blonde Goddess' List of Truths
1. If you pick your nose and eat it, someone will catch you doing it.
Now this doesn't apply to me. I don't pick my nose and I certainly don't eat it.But there are other people I've seen picking their noses and eating it. It's disgusting and if you're one of those who do it, then STOP! Some poor undeserving slob is going to catch a glimpse of it as they drive by you in their car and wreck when they begin vomiting. Or someone will glance in your direction at your kid's piano recital just in time to see you pull a snot nugget out of your nostril...GAH! Stop doing it, NASTY ASS!!! Someone is going to see you and it's gross...
2. Men only talk to women so they can get laid.
No...really. This is true. If men could get laid without having to talk to you, they wouldn't ever open their mouths. This has been my experience. So ladies, if some man is talking to you and then he suddenly stops, he's not interested in fucking you anymore.
This is usually because...
a. He's fucking someone else.
b. He knows you're not going to fuck him.
c. You've done something that annoys/disgusts him which makes you unfuckable.
d. He's sober
3. No matter how good you look in your bathing suit, if you're a woman, you'll still think you look fat.
I'm not sure why this is but I believe it's some sort of punishment that was handed down the the monthly curse thing. Why we women are so psychotic about it, I'll never understand but we are...
4. Men prefer to poop in their own homes on their own toilets.
I know some men who will poop where ever they can go but the majority will hold it all damn day if they can't make it home. When they finally make it home they'll rush into the house, ass cheeks squeezed tighter than the Virgin Mary's HooHa...sprinting into the bathroom like their dick hair is on fire.
It's weird to be sure, but...it's a man thing. Tell me I'm lying here. I KNOW you know a man who can't poop away from home.
5.Polyester should be outlawed.
I think that's pretty self-explanatory.
6. What you shave off will grow back in twice as thick...
Meh...it's not all bad. After all, Operation Planet of the Apes worked for me...remember?
7. The only time anyone will pay attention to you is when you're busy doing something enjoyable by yourself.
Yes...it's true. Mr.Man doesn't know I live in the same house with him until I'm wrapped up in something that doesn't include him, then he wants kisses and he wants to talk to me and blah..blah..blah.
It would seem that my time here has come to an end. My choices are to either stop writing in here for today or go insane...snap and grab the nearest petrified tree root to beat Mr.Man over the head with. I'm not sure the life insurance would pay for a fatal petrified tree root blow to the head and I'm even less sure they'd believe it was an accident.So..I'm outta here for now.
I have more wisdom to share but it'll have to wait...Have a good weekend.
"Men only talk to women so they can get laid" Really??? Seems like an awful broad brush to paint half the human race with... Can you personally verify that every single male in existence works under these pretenses? I'm personally offended and shocked that such a comment would come from you, now if you will excuse me I must go talk to a lady and I truly hope I will get the chance to Fuck her later...
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA Ron!
ReplyDeleteOK...so I should have said, "Most men" ...but you know what I meant!
Sometimes I talk to women for blow job which is not the same.
ReplyDeleteAnd everyone I meet falls in all those same categories you put up here.
Ha.
Oh, they'll talk to you if they REPORT to you.
ReplyDeleteBut that's about the only exception I can think of to your "things that are true" post.
Well done!
The last one is true at my home, but it's usually because there is some task he needs me to do, not usually for affection. Like, he can go all day and not speak to me, but then if I start watching a movie, there will always be something he needs me to do. Like, "OMG, WHEREISTHETAXRETURNINFOINEEDITNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!!!!!!"
ReplyDeleteI think men who pick their noses and eat it should be condemned to using a public toilet forever while wearing polyester and watching me do something I enjoy on my own.
ReplyDeleteGawd, Rebecca has a parallel universe to mine. David is going to college now, at age 46.
ReplyDeleteI answer to Webster, Roget, Yellow Pages, Garmin, and St. Anthony. I forgot my real name.
at the risk of being ridiculed for not trying to get laid doing teh talking thing... I must say that the two images (one of the booger eater and two of the extremely hairy chick) ack
ReplyDeletephleg
sorry, not feeling good.
I don't think I can continue.
My hubby may be the odd man out when it comes to pooping. He will poop anywhere - side of the road, porta potty at a construction site, park restroom. Doesn't matter he goes. I now TMI, but its true.
ReplyDeleteOMFG I cannot get past that hairy she-beast picture! And to think my sister called me Gorilla Girl. No more. I'm going to save that picture to show her. Yeeeesh! If her arms and legs were closed it would look like she had her arms trapping twin Dave Mustaines and Ted Nugent's head in a scissor lock. Wow.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I said wow.
ReplyDeleteOkay, this has nothing to do with your post, but.....
ReplyDelete"THE NEW PHONE BOOK'S HERE!!!!!!!!"
That's how I feel, like that old Steve Martin movie.
Woohoo, I'm on your blog list.
:::beaming:::
Crap, now I actually have to keep up with it and try not to be soooo boring.;-)
Thanks
No, really. That wasn't sarcastic, that's sincere.
Now, what should I write about?
In all seriousness, I find you extremely witty and funny as hell. I can relate to so much of what you write, but I'm definitely not bold enough to be so blunt.
I mean, what if someone I KNOW reads what I write? So, I edit to the point of being dreary and dull.
Oh, and you're totally right about men.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I used to talk for HOURS on the phone. And I didn't even have a cordless phone. Or a cell.
Now, I'm lucky if I get as much as please pass the salt or where's my drycleaning?
Unless, of course, I'm not wearing anything. THEN, he'll talk.
Or, he'll call from the car right when I'm making dinner - I'm like "Why don't you wait until you get home (10 minutes) and talk to me then?" Sheesh.
Keep on writing. It makes me laugh.