It's a great day for a hidey hole....

You know what today is....

That's right! It's ELDERLY HELL DAY!

As I sit and type this, the old women of my city are preparing to go out for the day....it's sale day...discount day and probably doctor day too. It's THEIR day really and for me to always make a big deal about this day and pick on them is terrible, isn't it?
I mean....you always get MY version of things. So today we shall take a look at the validity of my allegations of the events that take place when I attempt to shop at Kroger's on an Elderly Hell Day....

It's only fair don't you think?

I actually placed hidden cameras all over town, capturing pictures of these women in action. I discovered that there IS a secret organization of Tammie Abusers! I'm NOT PARANOID!
WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THIS!!!

Let's begin shall we?

The main organization meets every Thursday morning, after Wednesday night church. The prayer requests have worked the little old ladies into a frenzy. (Most of the prayer request are for me and it gets them thinking about me...see what I mean?)

At these secret meetings they make sure they are in tip top shape. They check each other's vitamin intake to make certain they're capable of performing the task at hand.



They stretch and do strengthening exercises....



Then they sit and make their special little sewing pin bombs...you know...the ones they use to attack me with as I walk through the produce section....



(Did you notice how cleverly they disguise them as little oranges so as not to arouse suspicion?)

Clever aren't they?

There are also classes on proper attire. For example...the purse in this picture is WAY too small.



An error like that might allow me to get away from her with a minor scrape instead of a full blown concussion.

THIS is the recommended size purse for Tuesdays!



The organization also provides defensive driving classes. There's no sense in driving your vehicle to Krogers if you're not going to be able to use it as a weapon against "That Blonde Woman".

Not only do they teach the skills necessary to injury me with an automobile, but they also offer wheelchair classes. A few flattened toes makes for an easy target. While I'm bending over to assess the smashed toes a well placed blow to the head with a huge ass purse might be enough to put me in a coma....I'm just saying...



This woman is a toe smashing pro...just look at her.

A few of the women bring their grandkids along for special vehicle training...



Yeah kid....I've been there...done that. The only difference is, my Maw Maw isn't going to take me out to Dairy Queen after I'm peeled off the hood of her car.

Of course no terrorist group would be complete without their tactical training. Take a close look at this picture. Do you see the hidden mirror on the shelves? It will allow this woman to see when I'm approaching her, allowing her to whip her shopping cart around and tear off the back of my ankle with it.



Dirty...dirty tactics but they're good at what they do...

Last but not least, they hone their martial art techniques....



Ok...you go ahead and laugh but let me tell you...you don't want to be on the business end of a house shoe...(take note of the big ass purse she's holding as a back up weapon.)

The worst of it is that they're GREAT at lying. Do you have ANY idea how many of them have abused me and gotten away with it because of the "Oh...I'm just a sweet little old lady. I couldn't hurt a fly" act?!?!?!



Yep...they keep doing it and getting away with it. I'm doomed if I step foot out of my house on a Tuesday in this town.

Now for the most disturbing part of it....

I discovered VIA secret video cam that after injuring me, many of these woman go home and CELEBRATE THEIR VICTORY!!!!

How horrible!!!

Wanna take a wild guess what the camera captured?



Need I say more?

I'm staying in today...if you happen to come by my house later, I'm out of milk. Thanks....