Why is that, you ask?
Well not all of you are asking that. The perverts..(and you know who you are)...aren't asking because they are imagining some kinky sex tryst with battery operated gizmo that violated me until I blacked out!!!
GET THE SECRET VIDEO CAM OUT OF MY ROOM! THAT WAS YESTERDAY AND I ONLY BLACKED OUT FOR FIVE MINUTES!
GAHHDAMMIT!
Seriously I am recovering because I have hit myself in the head no fewer than three times this morning.
It's just ONE of THOSE days....
Here is a list of the injuries and sequence of events leading up to them...
1. A bottle of fabric softener exploded when it hit the floor in the bathroom this morning. It fell off the washing machine that was off balance and busted the top of the cap off, causing some of that very slippery liquid to cover the floor where yours truly slipped and hit the back of her head.
It hurt like a son-of-a-gun...I think I swore and blacked out but it could be the other way around. The cat was hiding in the shower when I came to....
2. I hit my head when I was coming down the stairs. There is a place where the wall comes down in the stairwell (it's an old house) and you have to lean forward a little bit so you don't hit your head. Well even though I've lived in this house for TEN FREAKIN YEARS!!!! I "apparently" forgot to duck and smacked myself RIGHT in the forehead. What's worse is that it knocked me back on my ass and I slid down the steps,ripping my underwear off and rubbing the pink of my ass raw....
PLUS I GOT A BUMP IN THE FRONT SO I LOOK LIKE NEANDERTHAL MAN!
I did pluck my eyebrows before I showered...so at least we don't have THAT in common, but the bump...bigger n' shit.
3. I hit my head trying to hurry and get into my car at Kroger's...I smacked it right in the frame of the car, seeing stars and happy faces and all that flippin crazy shit.
It's Tuesday...Elderly Hell Day and while I didn't get accosted by any Old White Lady Hate, I did get a shot of Old White Man Love....
Is it just me or what? Does anyone else attract the weirdo's like I do? Please tell me I'm not alone here...PLEASE!!!
Seriously, there IS an old man who flashes people sometimes at Kroger's. I've been lucky enough to see him twice...although there are many people who say they've never seen him. I do know two other people,who have seen him at least once or seen him flashing someone else. So he is real and you'd better be careful when you see the old dude walking up to your car in a tan trench coat.
GAH!!!
In other news, I don't like men today. Unless you have ten-grand and a hard on for me, don't speak to me.
I'm just saying....
That crazy bitch across the street had the BALLS to say something snotty to me this morning!!! And it was after I'd beat myself senseless three times and had a mere snort of coffee to wake me up!
HOW DARE SHE???
I WENT APESHIT!!!!
Normally that doesn't happen..I don't DO apeshit. Really I don't. Not unless I'm bleeding to death that one time of the month or Mr.Man is watching the same stupid. STUPID MOVIE FOUR OR FIVE TIMES IN A ROW!!!!OR apparently, when I have a mild concussion.
Did I mention that I ate a couple sugar coated sugar bomb donuts for breakfast?
Anyway...I did the BITCH-FROM-THE-NETHERWORLD thing with the neighbor. She's dumber than a bag of rocks so I'm not really sure how much of what I said sank in, but I let her HAVE it about the parking crap and speeding away bullshit tantrums. She stood there like an idiot.
Then as she walked into the house, she turned and flipped me off.
So that's how things are gonna be, are they?
She doesn't know what kind of HELL she would suffer under the WRATH of the TAMINATOR!!!
This bitch just went undercover on her ass! She won't even KNOW what hit her when I get through with her....
(That's another one of my Halloween pictures...cute as a button ain't it?)
God...I have got to stop. It's the concussion and sugar buzz talking...I just know it.
Did I mention not liking men today? Ten ElGrando and a stiffy or leave me the hell alone...ok?
OK...that's just not fair to my blog guy friends....but as for the rest of the ones I know in person...this mainly the kind of men I attract...
Nuff said...
(Ron timidly walks into blog) Way to go on telling off the neighbor! (Quickly exits)
ReplyDeleteNothin' says "HOT" like a chick with a Neanderthal forehead.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes...I thought Betty was the hot one on the Flintstones.
Quick! Grab a drink (alcoholic, of course) and head for the hammock.
ReplyDeleteIs that monkey trying to drink HIS OWN PEE?!
ReplyDelete[Not that it'd be any better if he was drinking the pee of someone else...]
Did you go to Kroger, then bonk your head three times or the other way around? If it's the latter, I'd say you have a concussion and might need to get that looked at! (or possibly just find another 6 pack for this evening). Yep, the 2nd one. :-)
ReplyDeleteThat old guy in the parade... I gotta get me something to wear like that.
ReplyDeleteThe coat, I mean.
Where do you get these photos and video clips?
ReplyDeleteI swear, one of these days, I'm going to pee in my pants at work and that would not be a good thing. :-x
THe monkey.....my God.
ReplyDeleteWell, OK, it'sa chimp, but still.
I say you stay home today and do HAMMOCK TIME!
The monkey is priceless! I told you I got interrupted yesterday mid-read. Well, I didn't realize you HAD blogged the flasher when we were on the phone because I didn't get that far! What a day.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered wearing a helmet on Tuesdays? I think all the head hitting was your body trying to keep you away from Kroger's on Elderly Hell Day.
WHOOHOO! I'm allowed to comment today! IT techies are asleep at the wheel at work I guess.
ReplyDeleteHow firm are you on the ten grand? I got some $ from Mr Bush, I can take it from one Bush and spend it on another bush. lol But George has left me about eight grand short of your rate. :-( There's always the kids piggy banks . . .