I'm not EVEN kidding...
The conversation we had this morning...
Me: Are you going to pick up the windows today?
Him:(Ignoring me) What's the word of the day today?
Me: The word of the day is going to be DEATH if you don't pick up my windows.
Him: Umm..why don't we have sex instead of picking up the windows?
Me: DON'T USE THAT TO GET OUT OF DOING SOMETHING MISTER!!!
Him: Honey, I really look forward to our Friday mornings together. I'm hurt that you'd think I was just using that to get out of picking up the windows. (He gives me the pouty face.)
Me: MAYBE if you gave me sex more often then I wouldn't think you were using it to get out of something.
Him: Well, I'd give you sex more often but you haven't exactly been very approachable lately.
Me: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK MAKES ME UNAPPROACHABLE??? MAYBE IF I GOT FUCKED ON A REGULAR BASIS, I'D BE MORE APPROACHABLE!!!
Him: I think you're mildly insane, you know that?
I'm not mildly insane...I'M COMPLETELY INSANE AND HE'S THE CAUSE OF IT!!!
He's not picking up my windows either, so that will be something for me to do tomorrow.
Yesterday Ron tagged me to reveal six secrets or little known facts about myself. I pondered and pondered what to write down in here. After all, I've revealed almost every dirty little secret I have. I've told the story about riding naked on the back of a motorcycle for twenty bucks at a keg party when I was a young (stupid) woman and revealed that my birth mark is on the inside of my labia.
What more could there be to reveal??!!
Yeah...well I did manage to think of a couple of things, so here it goes...
1. Sometimes when I sneeze, I pee a little bit.
It's not a lot but it can happen. And damn it..I do kegals regularly. I bet I could crack nuts with my coochie if it was necessary. Those muscles are fit baby! I'm always flexing and squeezing... I'm a walking vaginal accordion. I don't know what the hell the problem is. I'm going to be one of those old broads who needs to have their uterus pushed back up in the hole and stapled there, I just know it.
Are you sure you want me to continue?
2. I have this OCD thing where I count how many chews I make when I have a mouth full of food. I don't understand it or where it came from exactly, but I've done it as long as I can remember. It's a very weird, weird thing. I do it without thinking. Maybe someone told me as a small child, that I'd choke to death if I didn't chew things up enough? Who knows? All I know is that the last bite of toast I ate this morning took 37 chews and the last bite of mini Almond Joy I just ate took 45 (probably the coconut.)
Weird but true....
3. I have dreams that come true. Yeah, everyone has them I'm sure but mine still freak me out. In 1991, when my husband found out he had orders to go to the Philippines,(Clark Air Force Base),I dreamed he ended up not going because a volcano blew up and destroyed the base.
Then...as if I had willed it to be...
Mt. Pinatubo not only blew up, it destroyed the Air Force Base as well...
When I was a kid, I dreamed that Kool-Aid killed people in the jungle...then that entire Jim Jones thing happened. Could be a coincidence but there have been scads more things that have happened not long after I've dreamed about them. I think this is a strange thing about me and I don't share it with many people, so it's a secret...shh...I don't want the government doing secret experiments on me or something like that.
Hmm....you know, this sharing six things is harder than it seems. I don't know what other secret to tell you...
How about this little known thing about me...
4. I allow the people I love to shit on me.
What's that honey?
There's no more toilet paper?
Here! Wipe your ass with my face!
When it comes to the people I love, I'm a door mat. I guess it might stem from my childhood and my constant attempt to gain my mother's love and attention, but who knows?
I'm working on it...
5. I wear my jeans more than one day before washing them. My daughters tell me that's disgusting, but I say if the crotch doesn't smell like a fish market, they're gonna be fine to wear another day.
I don't care what anyone thinks. It's a waste of water and laundry soap...Besides...I've never received one of these due to wearing my pants more than one day in a row...
Last but not least...
6. Everything I write about in here is true. Sometimes people will embellish things to make them seem funnier, but I actually have driven with my nipples, run through the house squirting whipped cream in my mouth while chasing the dog, walked into my neighbors house while she was in a state of undress, along with all the other countless things you may shake your head at and wonder if it's real. I do have a word of the day, every day since I started it and last night my 14 year old daughter had to explain to the person she was talking to WHY she had to keep spelling out ME instead of saying it.
So there you go. Six things about me. Today's word is PLEASE.
PLEASE (DING..DING..WHOO..BANG..BANG..WHEE!!!) do this six question thing if you want to and let me know if you've done it. I'd love to get some dirt on you...er...I mean learn something new about you...
Yeah..that's it.
Ok...so...that's all I have for today. It's Friday and I'm going to my friend Lisa's house tonight to drink and look over the catalog for my new business venture. Good times I tell you...
This is my mood...
I've been in a thinking mood all day long. I thought about what six things to share in here, then I was thinking about what to make for supper. Then I had to stop and think why my ass was itching...
I'm just a thinking today...and it's making my head hurt...heh
Is it weird that the only thing I fixated on from your blog is that you ate an almond joy mini and some whipped cream. Man this SlimFast thing is beginning to wear on me. :) Great secrets, but who doesn't wear the jeans 2 days?
ReplyDeleteWho doesn't pee a little when they cough (sometimes)? They call them Always pads for us more mature gals, cause we always need to wear one.
ReplyDeleteBa-dump-pum.
*tap tap tap on microphone* Is this thing on?
I used to tell people I could crack a walnut with my buns, but I've never really tried it. I'm afraid the broken shell will leave me scared where I can't show it off. At least sober.
ReplyDeleteIf I'm ever in your dream please fill me in. My prediction is hell will freeze over before I appear in any womans dream.
I could have that sex arguement with my wife, but I'm afraid to argue, because that might be the day this month I would have gotten some, and now I've pissed her off and will be waiting another month. :-(
It's so interesting when a woman wants sex more than the man...and the woman has to just wait. I had a similar issue...but I still got plenty...just not the 3 times a day I was looking for.
ReplyDeleteI liked your 6 things..they were amusing. If I can manage to think at all this weekend i'll attempt it myself
You always make me laugh. Although I must address Buzzardbilly's comment while I'm here. I do not pee a little while sneezing, coughing, etc. But, read my blog for today on my own pad obsession. LOL.
ReplyDeleteI might have said please but that was days ago and I don't think I meant it,so I'm pretty sure I don't have to do a meme.
ReplyDeleteYou a crazy woman. No offense. Thank goodness you only pee a little; think of Meagan in the Exorcist, now that, would be embarrassing.
But the very last two sentences did me in. Funny, funny stuff. If it's okay to laugh? If not, forgive me, pl.... I'm not sayin' it.
I have the ol' dreaming or feeling stuff in advance. My only problem is I can never tell what stuff is really going to happen and what stuff is just some random weird thought.
ReplyDeleteSadly, my last one involved a death and as soon as the phone rang, I knew exactly what it was all about.
Not much of a gift, really.
You are one funny lady. Nothing twisted about a gal who pees a little when she sneezes - better that than crapping your pants over a little dust in the air.
Peeing when sneezing: instead of kegal exercises, I have instead focusing my energies on stifling the sneeze. I am a world famous non-sneezer.
ReplyDeleteYour list of six is the best I've read so far. Fortunately I already did this meme on Tuesday so I won't have to try to match your list. You'd be a hard act to follow!
ReplyDeleteOh Utenzi, you wound me. :>
ReplyDeleteTammie, darlin? You rock. Thanks for being out there, leading the way for all of us who would so LOVE to be truly who we seems to be.