A face lift in a can...

I do believe that the word for today will be "Procure".
I began thinking about it earlier today when my loving husband threw a major tantrum because he couldn't "procure" his brush.
Yes...he has a special brush and by shit, it better be where he left it when he needs it.
The only problem with that, is he sometimes doesn't leave it in the place he thinks he does and then all hell breaks loose.
I need a brush cam or maybe a brush locater.
It would save me needless irritation and ensure a perfect head of hair for spaztastic man.



I had to take my oldest daughter to the out patient surgical unit yesterday. She has a degenerative disc disorder and they have decided to give her shots to help control the pain.
So I drove her up there and waited while she had her shot. Apparently you are not allowed to drive afterwards and need someone with you to drive you home.
As we pulled into the parking lot, I asked the attendant if I needed to pay prior to parking or when I left. She was a real smart ass about it. She said, "You pay before you park, like it says on the big sign below me."
Of course I hadn't noticed the sign, but who reads the signs with all those rules and stuff about parking in those lots?
I heard her snort at me as I handed her the money and it irritated the hell out of me.
If she was hoping to "procure" a foot in her ass she was well on her way to doing that.
My daughter laughed at me because it pissed me off.
I should have told the attendant I couldn't read or I was dyslexic and made her feel like a shit heel.
Damn hateful old bitch.

Of course you realize that the encounter with the parking attendant was just the beginning of hours of fun.
When you sit in a waiting room, you see many interesting and disturbing things.

The waiting room was PACKED.
"There's no way I'm getting out of here in less than three hours." I thought to myself.
The first thirty minutes passed with little or no eye contact with other people. My daughter and I sat and talked to each other, not looking around and NOT starting a conversation with others.
Then she was called back to the prep area.
I nervously looked around me and noticed relatively normal looking people sitting on either side of me.
Then I saw the woman sitting across from me.
She had this "I HATE YOU!!!" look on her face and was staring intently at me. She was approximately my age, height and had the same hair color, except she was maybe 200 pounds heavier than me. She kept looking me up and down.
I smiled at her to break the ice glare and her face pinched up in nasty grimace.
I decided rather quickly that she didn't like me and wouldn't like me, no matter what I said or did.

So I began a conversation with the lady sitting to the left of me.
Like I said, she LOOKED normal...
Of course it couldn't be that easy for me.
She said she was there waiting on her Maw Maw and then proceeded to tell me her life story. She told me about the incest in her family. She told me about her parents always threatening to kill each other. I heard EVERYTHING about her entire life, all the way from when she was little and saw her brother get bitten by a copperhead to how her sister-in-law was nothing but a crack whore addicted to Sissonville Slimfast (which is apparently a slang term for crack in that area)and her brother needed her like he had needed to get bitten by that copperhead when he was six years old.
I stared blankly at the floor the entire time, nodding to be polite and keep myself awake. Plus I avoided having to look up at staring woman across from me.(Every time I looked, she was still staring at me and I swear she did not blink the entire two and a half hours we were there.)
I kept kicking myself in the ass for forgetting my flask at home. You have no idea how handy that thing comes in during moments of duress.

I excused myself from the conversation to use the bathroom and when I came back, I sat somewhere else. She didn't notice because now she was telling the staring woman the rest of her life story and filling in the gaps for the rest of the people sitting around her, who were beginning to listen intently to her story of Maw Maw setting her cat on fire.

I sat next to a 16-17 year old girl with purple hair, a nose ring and a t-shirt that said this on it...



I had a much more enjoyable wait after that. And yes, I did refrain from telling the girl I liked her shirt.
That would have sounded so lame coming from someone's mom, you know?

I ended up coming home later than I'd planned and missed a meeting I was supposed to attend. That kind of sucked, mainly because I was supposed to find out what's going on for myself and other people too. I guess maybe someone I know will take pity on me and fill me in on it?

So since I missed the meeting,I decided to have a couple two, three, seven or eight beers and chill out. That's when I realized, on my fifth trip to the bathroom, that I looked pretty damn hot after seven or eight beers.
A face lift in a can people!
Of course Mr. Messy Hair spazzer, didn't have ANY beer and fell asleep watching the History channel.

STUPID HISTORY CHANNEL! It had been responsibly for a decrease in my sex life! I think I should sue...whadda ya think?

ON that note...this is my mood today...



I can't help it...I LOVE FRUIT!!!

I need to "procure" some fruit from the man pretty soon or I'm going to become violent...