For some reason I can not hold on to a complete thought this morning. There are five thousand things running through my head. Think of a thousand little Indians surrounding a covered wagon and shooting arrows at it.
My brain and the thought process.
So I decided I'm just gonna go with it.
Hang on...
This will be weird...sorry but it's the therapy thing.
Everyone thinks they know me. I drink coffee and laugh at the thought. I'm like the rest of the world, hiding the dirty secrets beneath the carpet and hoping no one will notice the lump in my throat...
I was honest about my feelings and thoughts but with the wrong person. A friend who could never be a friend...who's heart was ripped from their soul roughly 20 years ago...along with their innocence...and the person who's responsible wears it like a trophy on her left hand.
No more friend. No more trying. Sick of the brick wall I kept running into. Now I'm in a coma. Effort could bring me out of it.
Not enough alcohol and sometimes too much alcohol...a lemon for my beer,a German UFO...and maybe a tuna sandwich on rye...but it's not even lunch yet and what the hell reason do YOU have to want to hide in a bottle?
Christmas...paper and shiny bows,wondering what's in the boxes, joy at some, disappointment at others...like people...people...gifts...wrapping themselves in shiny paper...maybe there's a piece of shit in that box?
The dog lies on her back, feet kicked up in the air. The most vulnerable part of her exposed to me. It's nice to see someone trusts me...believes I love them...even if it's someone who licks their ass and eats from the catbox...
Cookies to bake, cookies to eat...bills to pay...what a tedious feat. But if I accomplish one thing today, I'll feel like I can say...
Fuck it...I'm getting drunk tonight and I'm going to ride Mr.Man like I'm jumping on a trampoline...
Waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting...all for nothing. Nothing will happen...nothing will come...nothing...feeling nothing...doing nothing...nothing.
I drink more coffee and laugh at my stupidity. I drink more coffee and laugh at myself. I drink more coffee. Not hungry and now I have to pee...
Flickers of light through the barren trees. Leaves that pile up in the street but not because of me. Pissed off and a knock at the door. "Stop BLOWING YOUR GODDAMN LEAVES IN MY YARD!"
What a bitch I can be?
Missing snow, blowing wind and razor sharp cold.
I need to be cut open again.
Lungs that burn, eyes that squint.
Swoosh...swooshing myself content.
Jump on a cloud and laugh out loud cause they can take my snow away but they can't take my daydreams.
This didn't make much sense to any of you but it made perfectly good sense to me...
The word of the day is "Hello". I'm pretty sure you can get someone with it but really listen for it. Most people just say "hey" or "hi" and an actually "Hello" is rare...(Yeah I know I just said it...I clapped my hands and I'm barking and whistling as I type.)
My mood is this...
I don't think any other picture could describe it better.
Gee...I'm hungry now.
I'm not 100% sure I follow all of it, but for some reason I Identify with it. Trust is not easily given and if betrayed hard to part with again. Damn.. Now I'm hungry for eggs. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteActually I'm worried about a friend. It's someone I trusted and thought I knew but the choices that are being made are hurting his kids. His wife owns his soul. He used to be a good person deep down, but now he's a stranger. It's sad.
ReplyDeleteThe whole post was a mish mash of EVERYTHING on my mind. My neighbor across the street blew all her leaves into my yard again. I finally blew up and told her off.
I'm homesick.
I feel unappreciated in my home today (like every other person in the world feels on occasion).
I'm restless...helpless to help and tossed in a thousand directions.
Today is one of those I'm complicated" days.
Well you are appreciated out here.
ReplyDeleteI don't generally do this, but this one time.. {{HUGS}}
Don't tell the Husband. :)
Spend a few minutes doing something you love. I like to get in a bath and shave my legs (Mr. Man would appreciate that) and relax for a moment. It doesn't have to be a long time. Maybe there's something else you like to do just for a moment to relax. Hope your day gets better.
ReplyDeleteWell now isn't this what blogs are for?
ReplyDeleteI love your little picture accompaniments-so funny.
You're raw one. Real. Kinda visceral.
ReplyDeletecool feel it
Geez, you're posts always make me horny.
ReplyDeleteBlogs are here to let it all out...it's your free therapist. I'm sorry you are overwhelmed by all of this...I hope you can feel better soon. And whatever is going on with your friend and his kids...I REALLY hope that gets better too. Hang in there
ReplyDeleteExcellent post.
ReplyDeleteSuch a hard thing when someone you've been very close to forever changes into a person you really don't recognize. I've had that happen with a few cousins who were more like lifelong confidantes and friends. For the most part, their true selves resurface in time.
But, some don't and the sting never goes away. It's even worse when you try to talk to them and find a stone wall of somebody else sitting where they used to be. (I have one cousin who we're sure has been replaced by a snobby pod from the Body Snatchers.)
When you've done all you can, you have to know that at least you tried. He must agree with or want these changes in himself or he wouldn't go along with them. I never give *hugs* because it feels sort of silly, but I'm sending one your way.
Yeah I feel bad for my friend...well ex-friend. He has built a wall around himself and won't let anyone in. At least not anyone around here. When he's out of town, who knows what's going on? I suspect he is probably just as alone there too, but his actions are worrying me and making me wonder what's really up with him.
ReplyDeleteI just wish he'd realize I'm his friend and let me back in his life. I really just want to be a help.
I suppose there is nothing I can do unless he contacts me.
Sometimes I've just gotta let go and help those who want my help.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you do have to back away.
ReplyDeleteIf you want the comm studies perspective on this, I'd be glad to whip it out for you, I just don't want to bog down your comments if you don't want it. The short of it is there are cycles we go through when a friendship ends, or even shifts to another type of friendship. Sometimes knowing that what you're going through is what a bunch of people go through helps.