Something a little more serious today...

This morning as I made my way through the grocery store, my mother called on my cell phone, which she never does.
Apparently my Nana (grandmother) is having emergency surgery this morning. She's in surgery right now in fact. Her doctor found a tumor they believe to be cancerous.
I'm almost speechless at the thought of it all.
I can't picture my life without her. She has been one of the safe and constant presences in my life. I know she is getting older, she is 77 in fact, but I had hoped that I would have more time with her and she wouldn't be taken from me by something as destructive and painful as cancer.
I just pray they are wrong and the tumor is nothing.

I lost my grandfather to cancer ten years ago. I couldn't make it home to visit the summer before that because I was VERY pregnant with my son. So the following summer, we went to Maine and I saw him for two weeks.
Two weeks...
Not nearly enough time, you know. Especially when you don't realize it will be the last time.
He had developed cancer in 96 and they did surgery. He got a clean bill of health and was in remission, or so they said, and then only a few months after I had seen him in 97, he died.
He died before I could get a flight to Maine to say goodbye.
It's been one of the biggest regrets of my life. If only I had been able to hold him one more time and tell him how much I loved and him and thanked him for everything he gave me.
If only...


But there are no second chances you know. Death doesn't announce it's intentions and too often it's always "too late" and then there's nothing left but grief and emptiness and regret.

I suppose that is why I try to tell the people I care about how much they mean to me. Even if seems like they don't hear you...don't stop telling them. They'll remember it if something happens. I just don't want to lose anyone and feel that massive crushing weight of regret, sitting on my chest and squeezing the life from my heart.
Losing someone you love is hard enough without the regret...
I never want to feel that way again...
It's been ten years and the pain is as fresh today as it was then. I don't think regret ever fades...

I have been stupid though and made bad choices with my time.
All of this volunteer work.
What has it done except rob me of time I could have been spending with my family and friends? In the end it hasn't made any great difference to anyone I've helped. As soon as whatever I'm doing is finished, it's forgotten and I'm just another face in the crowd.
No job, volunteer or otherwise is worth losing precious time with the people you love.
I wish now that I had made more time to call Nana and talk with her on the phone.
But I was too busy making phone calls for something I was volunteering to do instead.
I wish I had spent time making her favorite cookies and mailing them to her.
I made plenty of cookies for bake sales and other volunteer things but only sent her some a couple of times.
I should have been taking pictures of things and sending them to her but instead, I did Yearbooks and took hundreds of pictures of children I hardly knew and few of her great grandchildren.

I gave myself away and gave and gave until sometimes I felt like a shell...an empty wrapper.
And the irony is that I thought I was actually making a difference.
And now I regret it.

I suppose it's one of the more difficult lessons I've learned but I'm glad I learned it.
When I found out recently that my ability and reliability were being questioned, my pride was hurt and I felt humiliated.
It stung...
But in light of this, it all seems so small and insignificant now.

All the pride and recognition of others means nothing without the people you love in your life.

My Nana is the one I consider to be my mother.
My childhood was somewhat difficult and there wasn't much stability.
My mother had personal 'dilemmas' to work through so I was left on my own occasionally...well mostly...
And if the Mac and Cheese or peanut butter I had stashed in my room ran out, I could always go to Nana's...
Nana had comforting words, hugs, hot food and a warm bed.

It's a little too painful to talk about right now so I'm stopping.

But...but I can't bear to lose her yet. It's too soon.


I'm not ready...I haven't said everything there is to say. I need to touch her again and hold her and tell her I love her.

And I need to thank her...for loving me.