And to all a sweet goodnight...

A blog friend of mine passed away Sunday evening. I read about it this morning. I can't imagine the horror of losing someone so suddenly like that. One day earlier this month he walked into a door and give himself a black eye.A clumsy mistake I've made a thousand times.The black eye injury developed into an infection. The infection turned into that terrible staph MRSR infection.Then they hospitalized him and ended up having to take his eye to try to save his life. But that wasn't enough. The infection raged on and he ended up having a heart attack.
It was just too much for his body to take.

While I hadn't known him very long, I did go back and read the past month of events. Things I had missed before. Actually I discovered by reading the comments on WVSR that I had read his other blog before,(without realizing it). I went back to look at it and read it again but I can only find one entry remaining in it now. Without quoting verbatim what he wrote about in it,I can tell you that he had a wonderful,witty style to his writing. He had a dry sense of humor and he wasn't afraid to say what he was thinking. His opinions on things were diverse and colorful. Because I read his blogs and shared his thoughts on life occasionally,I can't help but keep thinking what an amazing person he was. I was an acquaintance of his and that makes me feel honored.

I was given the opportunity to meet him, along with many others, through blogging.

I hadn't really thought much about blogging as being an opportunity to meet people. Not really. I have met people through blogging. In fact they are the greatest people I know. And really, I think I know them better than I know some of my closest friends. There is something very casual and relaxed about sitting and writing your thoughts down in a blog. You write about your wishes and desires, your dreams and fears, disappointments and triumphs....
I think the result of that is an ability to be more open and honest, where as if you're out among people you tend to be more reserved and hold back a little.

I know that I feel like some people I know expect me to act a certain way when I'm around them. They see me as being silly and fun and energetic and on the occasion I'm not, they don't know how to deal with me. It's foreign to them. So I feel stifled and uncomfortable occasionally. I do hold back sometimes. I feel like they only like part of me and if I share the rest with them, they'll walk away from it.
Some people have actually done that...the fun is complicated enough for them, thank you very much. They can't handle the heavy stuff.

Of course I write in my blogs for myself. I'm pretty selfish like that. I need an outlet and a place to think and put my life in perspective.
I don't really think of it as anything but therapy. It's my escape. These are my thoughts and they seem a little more valuable to me when I can put them down in my blog. Hell...there are days that I'm the only one listening to myself in my house and among the people I see every day. I NEED this place to feel like I have a voice in this world. So this is my therapy. Anyone who wants to read it, great. But if no one does, that's ok too. I have no pressure to write in here, instead it's a source of joy and comfort.
So because it's my savior of sorts, I guess I hadn't thought about my thoughts and words being my own epitaph someday, but they will be. When I die, someone may read this and know all about the person I was. In fact, just for good measure I'll include this little picture of me at Thanksgiving 1971.




I think that the chain of events that led up to this tragedy has caused me to stop and really think about how I spend my time. It's caused me to examine everything about myself. There is so much I want to do and experience in life, but it seems there is always something else to do so I put it off. Actually, we all put off things we say we'll do later when we have more time.

But what if we don't have anymore time?

What if we never get the chance to call that friend or take our child to the zoo or make that sculpture we've always wanted to attempt? We think we will live forever, but we don't. We all die someday. And sometimes we die unexpectedly.

I have this friend who is a workaholic. He works long hours and has to travel often. His job is very stressful and demanding. He has literally NO TIME for anything except work. He doesn't even get enough rest. He's always tired.
I really worry about him. I worry about him dropping dead of a heart attack. I worry about him dying without even being able to live a little first. He doesn't seem to be happy...ever.
I sent him an email not too long ago, telling him about my blog. Maybe it was an attempt to keep in contact somehow or maybe I was hoping to make him laugh a little, I don't know really,but I doubt he's ever even looked at it.
I used to call him sometimes,to check on him, but that's become less and less frequent. And I email him occasionally, but that's dwindling too.I don't ever get any response and I'm not even certain he's getting them.
I never hear anything from him so I have no idea how he is or whether he's even in good health or spirits.
And I worry about him.CONSTANTLY. He looks more and more tired every time I manage to get a glimpse at him and he's aged ten years in the last two. But how could he possibly keep up this pace and not become old before his time? He has no time to experience happiness! He has no time to devote to happiness or even established relationship!
All he has time for is work.
His job is a cage,a prison...no...it's a dungeon,brick walls holding him captive and keeping him away from everything.
And it scares me that someday he will die, unexpectedly, alone in that stupid dungeon. He's a wonderful person and he doesn't deserve that, but I'm helpless to do anything about it. I've reached out to him but I might as well be reaching out to touch a star in the night sky...he's so far away.

I don't want to regret a single day of my life. I may seem pushy at times and intrusive too with my phone calls or emails, but I don't want to die without the people I love knowing how important they are to me. And how much they blessed my life and made a difference in it. I don't want to leave this world with anyone left here questioning how important they were to me. I want people to know the difference they've made in my life. I want the people in this world who have filled me with love and courage and happiness to KNOW that they were part of the reason for me being who I am.

I'm very sad for Dr.Syn's family. I think his death is unfair and tragic. It makes me hurt and cry and feel angry at the injustice of it.
But I would like to think that perhaps Dr.Syn would be happy at the thought that someone could find something good to take from this tragedy, so I'm going to try to do that.
The turn of events opened my eyes to the things that mean something to me. It made me realize how precious my life is and how valuable my time is.

I think that's a good thing for us all to realize...

So perhaps the next time I find myself promising to call a friend 'later, when I have more time', I'll think of Dr. Syn and not put it off. Instead I will pick up the phone and make that call and tell the person on the other end of the line how important they are to me and how they've impacted my life.

I think that would be a good way to honor his memory.