I wanted to...
I even had a new picture of myself to show ya, but I couldn't get near the damn computer!
Between the kids and Mr.Man, I couldn't get on there for more than five minutes.
Of course in five minutes you can still do a lot of damage.
Like for instance don't email anyone when you're intoxicated. What you're writing when you've polished off a bottle of wine sounds REALLY heartfelt and sincere, but the next day when you read it,and you're SOBER,it sounds like you're a fucking psycho stalker who has an unhealthy obsession.
That's not really how you want to come across, especially when you really are trying to be sincere and genuine.
*SIGH*
I'm always doing such stupid shit, you know?
I have noticed lately that with the onset of colder weather,when I come in from outdoors, I take my coat off and immediately put on a sweater.
I save money by keeping the heat turned down a little and being the tightwad Swede I am, I like to save money.
So...this morning when I got home from taking the wild ones to school, I had a thought....
I'm pulling a Mr.Rogers...
I think I'm a lot like Mr.Rogers. Kids like me and I live in my own imaginary world too. I have fun with playdoh and finger paints and I look good in a sweater. I generally think I'm a pretty wholesome person and I am definitely "SPECIAL". Ok..so I'm wholesome except for being a nymphomaniac and swearing a lot and liking to drink...a few glitches.
I can make up cool songs though...like Mr. Rogers.
It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for clean lawn.
So don't be a bitch...
Or a fucking witch...
It's a blustery day and the leaves will fall below,
If they end up in my yard you know,
I'll beat your ass...
On you're pretty grass...
I've always wanted to stop you from taking advantage of me.
And if you were on fire I wouldn't even put you out with my pee.
So,let's not make a mess of the street where we play.
I don't want to be arrested today:
Don't get out your blower...
Or start your mower...
Just be a good neighbor.
Won't you please,
Rake your own fucking leaves?
Please won't you be a good neighbor?
I bet Mr.McFeely was a child molester. What do you think?
Yeah, the parade was a success. I was in it of course and passed my number out VIA Little League to over six hundred people.
That's always a special thing...
I got to wear the stupid hat, as usual. I may or may not get a picture of me wearing the stupid hat, depending on whether my friend shares one with me. It was a jester hat, red with white trim and they all said it was made for me.
Nice friends huh?
And on top of it all I ended up coming home with a hand print on my ass.
Paxton slapped the shit out of it because I laughed at him when our other friend slapped his ass.
I can't remember the last time I had a hand print on my ass for more than a day.
So...I'm getting him back. I will post a picture of my revenge. I think you will find it amusing as well and that's all I'm saying for now.
Today's word is......"Mom".
Goddamn it I'm tired of being hounded to DEATH by the children and MAYBE I'll have a little peace and quiet this evening. Normally, once they discover what the word of the day is, they stop saying it. I told Veggie Stick (14 year old daughter who is thin but thinks she's fat) she's not even allowed to spell the words anymore. I'll still make noise and yell.
She and Ms. Know-it-all(16 year old daughter who thinks I'm an idiot) fought ALL WEEKEND!!! I didn't have a moments peace!!! They even came into the bathroom while I was in the shower and when I was pooping!!!
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO POOP WITH PEOPLE SCREAMING AND ASKING YOU TO TAKE SIDES?!?!
They must pay...I'm adding them to the list of people to torment this week.
Ok. Here is a picture of me in my glasses. I think I look smarter than I actually am so I like wearing them. Besides...for some reason my eyes have been unbearably dry and it's KILLING me to wear my contacts. I can help it but applying this lubricant to my eyes at night but the next morning, I literally have to PEEL my eyes apart and it's a beautiful sight to behold.
I'm such a hottie in my specs....LOL
Anyway, I need to try to dig my Christmas tree and decorations out. I haven't attempted to reach them and if I don't do it soon, there won't be lights or a tree in my house.
Mr.Man doesn't help and I have a feeling he wouldn't miss a tree or lights if they didn't get up.
He did take pity on me and help one year when I had fallen on my head while putting up lights outside. I think he was shamed into it because my neighbors saw the entire thing happen. Most times, that's a motivating factor. Mr.Man will tell me I can't do things that men normally do for their wives, like take the car to be inspected, put up Christmas lights and mow the lawn because of what other people will think. So I have to do all those thing when people won't see it and Mr.Man's reputation as a protective and helpful husband remain intact.
This is my mood for today....
No matter how much I clean, I can't get ahead. It's frustrating. I will plug away at it again today but how much you wanna bet it don't do me no good?
Nice glasses. I havent decorated for a holiday for several years and it seems my dog doesn't mind that much, I'm assuming kids care a little more so have at it. Have a good day.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that might get the girls to leave you alone for poopstime: "I'm going to tell all of your friends that you two come in here while I'm pooping so I'll settle your arguments."
ReplyDelete"I'm going to tell your friends..." has an effect on a multitude of behaviors.
Gee Ron. You deprive your dog of being able to eat tinsel and let it dangle from the ass in a glittery trail?
ReplyDeleteJust kidding.
Yeah the kids would go apeshit if I didn't put up a tree. Besides, I'm still like a little kid myself. I like having a tree.
BuzzardBilly...
You would not even begin to imagine the times I've told on the girls. They are too much like me though, they have no shame.
They have no consideration at times and really don't care what I'm doing when those moments occur.
Mr.Man is zoned out doing his own thing and there is no way they're going to disturb him, so it's time for us to get a lock back on the bathroom door.
Ms. Know-it-all busted it off when she thought Veggie Stick had her purse in the bathroom and was going through it.
Mr.Man probably won't fix the lock so I'll attempt it.
Is mace illegal when used on minors?
I don't think it's illegal when used in Ohio. You might want to check you local laws. Oh and by the way, that E-mail you sent me Saturday sort of confused me, but now that I hear about the drinking and computers it makes so much more sense. :)
ReplyDeleteNice picture, BG. I like you in those glasses!
ReplyDeleteIt's odd but after reading your entire post I'm left with just two thoughts. I really like girls that look good in sweaters and you shouldn't be pooping in the shower. That's just nasty. :-)
Don't kid yourself...I bet Mr. Rogers was a hottie in bed after knocking back a few martinis with his old lady.
ReplyDeleteSImple do not clean.
ReplyDeleteTHere. Problem SOLVED
Anything else you'd like me to tackle?
Oh, and I'm with Ute - I thought at first you were pooping in the shower too. That IS kinda nasty.
Man! I put the word AND in the middle there to show the two activities were different.
ReplyDeleteShowering is for cleaning and enjoying the massaging shower head.
Pooping is for..well...you know...pooping!
I'm a nasty freak but not THAT nasty...
I'm a sucker for nymphos in glasses.
ReplyDeleteYeah, and kids. Drive me nuts this time of year. Add the four needy retard dogs and it's a wonder me and Mrs. aren't insane or in prison.
NOBODY and I mean NOBODY better talk to me while I am pooping.
ReplyDeleteI mean it.
I like your specs - you look good in them - and you look so much like Inanna (another Chas. blogger) that I can't help but think you were related in a previous life!
ReplyDeleteThat sign about loving and losing was tailor made for me - twice!!
I, too, convene the people's court while on the can.
ReplyDeleteMine, however, consists of my spouse, my 7 year old...and three dogs.
I'm tempted to purchase a vat of patchouli to keep 'em all at bay. They all HATE the 'hippie perfume'.
I love your glasses!
Glasses = very cute! I love them.
ReplyDeleteMost of the time I lock the door to the head when I'm in there. If I don't and my Buddy decided to walk in, he'd walk right back out. I can kick up a stink and I don't bother with "courtesy flushes". LOL.
Yeah, I don't understand naming a central character on Mr. Rogers "Mr. McFeely," either.
ReplyDelete(Love your song!)
I love chicks in glasses. A real turn on, but they need to be big librarian glasses.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that Mr. Man told the girls to go see you, even told them where you were. Even told them to go in, the door is not locked.
ReplyDeleteJust conjecture. Why? Well, because guys have to, uhhh... they have things to do.
You chose well with those glasses, perfect, I think. Women just look right in white blouses or button downs. No offense.
That would be a great Mr. Rogers after-hours song.
I have to agree with Paul. A white button down and big glasses are simply perfect.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.freeweb.hu/playmate/html/8106.html
http://www.freeweb.hu/playmate/html/6703.html
Sweet specs, dude.
ReplyDeleteWhen my teen nieces start bickering, I threaten to set them on fire or, if I'm feeling merciful, to sell their organs for medical experiments.
Of course, I have leverage, because I am The Aunt, and, even though they are teens and Hate Everything, they still mostly like me.
This does not stop me from wanting to pop off their heads like they were dandelions, mind you.
Pop their heads off like dandelions!!! LMAO!!!
ReplyDeleteYou have such a wicked sense of humor! :-)
ReplyDelete