Just some real stuff...it gets in the way sometimes, you know?

Every morning for breakfast I have two slices of home made bread, toasted with butter, and a chunk or two of cheese.Piping hot coffee tops it off and I feel fortified after I've eaten.
This morning when I looked in the fridge for cheese, there wasn't any.
It left me feeling twisted in knots and almost spinning out of control.
NO CHEESE!!!
For some reason this really upset me.
Does this mean I'm a creature of habit?
After searching through every nook and cranny of the fridge I did manage to find some smoked Gouda, but it's just not a breakfast cheese(in my opinion), so after a bite or two, I tossed it into the dog's dish.

Thus began my day...

I skipped an early morning shower because it was so cold out and figured I'd take a bath later on this morning instead. So I washed up and when I went to dry off,I discovered we didn't have a single clean towel in the house.
Apparently the kids had been using them and leaving them on the floor in their rooms. So I retrieved them when I woke the kids up, eye balling the messes they sleep in and vowing not to get worked up over it.

After all, it wasn't even six am. Why would I want to be worked up over something that early?

Apparently that same philosophy didn't apply to Mr.Man. He got up this morning with a rocket shoved in his ass. He sped through the house getting ready for work, bitching about the kids and how lazy they are. Of course most of his irritated comments were about Ms.Know-it-all.
She can take him from zero to light speed in a matter of seconds. She knows exactly what buttons to push and his temper ignites in a flash.
Honestly, I'm getting tired of it all.
In fact, I'm caught in the middle of their battles. Being around the two of them is like traveling in between two active volcano's.
More and more I end up the brunt of their anger after they've had an argument. No matter how I tippy toe around, I get burned.

I love my family...I do.
They are the sandy beaches that surround my ocean. I can sink my toes into that warm and solid ground and know there is no other place on earth I'd rather be.It's the quiet place I rest my weary body and bask in their love. They keep me together. They contain me and give me something to push against.
But then there are times that same comforting sand becomes a whirling dust storm. Stinging and choking and painful. I can't see where I'm going or where I've been because I'm filled with sand. It's in every nook and cranny and I can feel nothing else.
It's suffocating.

There are days when the sand runs through the time glass and I find strength in knowing that it's constant and predictable. I need that sometimes.
But some days pass when I feel like a prisoner of the hourglass as well. I watch the sand fall and know that every thing I am doing is being timed and monitored. I feel caged up and raw inside.

Loving someone is both an exhilarating and a deflating thing. You find who you are and you lose it among them at the same time.
They blow up your balloon and you float above the rest of the world...
Then they untie the end of it and you fly in wild circles, becoming smaller and smaller until you're empty.

Empty...

Love is such a complex thing.

I just want to be able to fix the storms and calm the seas.
I'm a woman now.
I have choices.
I'm not a victim anymore.
This is my ocean...my beach.
I've drifted for days on end before....hungry and afraid with no sign of land...waiting for death, clinging to life...not knowing which would hurt more.

I've seen broken ships and dead fish, putrid and empty carcasses, polluting my only shore of refuge.
I've picked my way across it,walking it like a mine field, dodging complete destruction but mortally wounding parts of me. Parts of me that died and were buried in watery graves.
I've known pain and suffering...
Pain and suffering...but not much comfort....

I don't want my HOME to be a place of destruction and anger.

I'm tired of it.
I want peace in my home.
I DESERVE PEACE IN MY HOME!

So this morning, I spoke.
It opened the flood gates.
The ground shook and the air filled with acrid,searing heat.
Down came the rivers of lava, racing toward me, melting the flesh off my body, blistering hot pain finding the deepest parts of me.

My tears didn't put out the fire...instead they seemed to act as gasoline.
Trembling, I finally lost my voice...lost myself and lost the desire to think I have any control over anything.

After the volcano had spent it's fury and I was alone, I picked out a beer, and then on second thought, decided I didn't want it after all.

People send messages in bottles...they shouldn't hide in them.

I never hid in a bottle any other time. Why start today?

Hmmm...

So...after laughter and jokes and floating in the sky...just yesterday.
Today....everything's on fire...burning and black.

So I'm going to take a bath...

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm alive.
Sometimes that knowledge is enough....