It wasn't about the cliquish women I know. I have accepted that I'm different and I'm not included. They like me ok I suppose but unless they need me to do something for them, I won't be called and I won't be invited. I got over it. I can deal with being lonely for friends in my kid's activities circle...
Well...kind of...most of the time. I just stay busy working and reading and walking.
Of course it would help greatly if Mr.Man made a little more effort to be...oh I don't know...an adult? A friend?
I hate to bitch about it because I do love him. I will spend the rest of my life with him and we'll grow old together, spending time with our grandchildren and shitting ourselves...
But I do get tired. Let me put it like this...if life is a relay race and he and I are on the same team, I've been running all the relays. He keeps telling me he'll get the next one and he never does. I just keep going...
He feels perfectly justified in doing exactly what he wants and then seems terribly annoyed with me when I don't conform to his plans.
It's not as if my plans are actually for me. MY PLANS usually consist of running the kids where they need to go. Or working for one of their organizations...or events...or fund raising money for them.
I don't make plans. I stopped doing that a long time ago.
This morning, I've already gotten the kids up, made them breakfast, taken them to school, done three loads of laundry, gone to WalMart, ran to the high school to bring Veggie Stick medicine for her arm (she pulled something at practice), washed the breakfast dishes, typed up four waivers and answered four phone calls for ball.
It's 10:30 A.M.
I feel like I've already put in a full day and I haven't even taken a shower yet. I won't do that until I put those boxes under the house. What boxes you ask? The boxes I asked Mr.Man to put under the house for me on Saturday when I was at the ball field from 8:30-5:30. It's not like I was laying around doing nothing all day. In fact I came home exhausted and still was expected to fix dinner, wash clothes and clean the house. The girls were gone and Mr.Man was lost in his third gin and tonic, getting ready to watch a Dr.Who marathon.
The house was a disaster because Little Beatle had two friends stay over night on Friday and Mr.Man didn't make them pick up anything. So I had that waiting for me too.
I didn't see the girls or I would have asked them to clean up before they left and I have to admit, they've been better about helping me.Miss KIA told me that she felt sorry for me, whatever that means, and cleaned up the down stairs for me Friday.
Veggie Stick cleaned the bathroom Friday after school. But it doesn't take more than half an hour for everything to be a disaster area again.
So...Sunday morning I just shut down.
Of course I still had to answer phone calls from people on the Board, and run paperwork to them...I'm always making sure I'm taking my responsibility seriously.
Then Mr.Man made a remark about how I always say I'm going to be home at a certain time and I always run late. He commented on how much time I spend at the ball field or on the road with the kids.
I went ape-shit...
I'm not going into details because it's not important for me to rehash it and make either one of us look like assholes. We fought and that's all there is to it.
When we were done, he went upstairs and took a shower. He came down all dressed and sober and left.
I thought maybe he was leaving me.(I think that every time I get up the courage to stick up for myself.)
Instead he went to the store and bought stuff to make dinner. He came home and started the dishes and cooked.
He spent time with me.
We talked...
He was affectionate...
And get this...I felt GUILTY for complaining. Because he was so nice to me after I got mad at him and told him how I felt about his absentee fathering and husbanding (are those real words?)...I felt GUILTY FOR COMPLAINING!
I'm a real winnah, you know?
So now...it's Monday. I'm already wiped out and I have tons to get done. I feel drained and I just want to be held.
Man...it would be so nice to have someone brush my hair or hold my hand...maybe watch a movie wrapped up on the couch together in a blanket...cuddling up together.
Yeah, I'm feeling kind of vulnerable but maybe it'll pass.
I think it's time to throw myself into work and forget about it. That helps you know...
I bought another poetry book on Friday. Charles Bukowski (who is also a favorite of BuzzardBilly).
So...I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite poems by him today...
No...I'm not a man but I can relate to this poem...it's the connection thing I've talked about....
Charles Bukowski
once in a while
it is only
once in a while
that you see
someone whose
electricity
and presence
matches yours
at that
moment
and then
usually it's
a stranger.
it was 3 or 4
years ago
i was walking on
Sunset Blvd
toward Vermont
when
a block away
i noticed a
figure moving
toward me.
there was something
in her carriage
and in her walk
which
attracted
me.
as we came
closer
the intensity
increased.
suddenly
i knew her
entire history:
she had lived
all her life
with men
who had never really
known her.
as she approached
i became almost
dizzy.
i could hear her
footsteps as
she approached.
i looked into
her face.
she was as
beautiful
as i had
imagined she
would be.
as we passed
our eyes fucked
and loved and
sang to each
other
and then
she moved
past me.
i walked on
not looking
back.
then
when i looked
back
she was
gone.
what is one
to do
in a world
where almost everything
worth having
or doing
is
impossible?
I went into
a coffee shop
and decided that
if i ever saw
her again somehow,
I'd say
"listen, please
i just must
speak to
you..."
I never saw her
again
I never will.
the iron in our
society silences
a man's
heart
and when you
silence a man's
heart
you leave him
finally with only
a cock.
I'll be back tomorrow...
I am sorry but he lives there also. I cook and clean at our house. The key word there is ... our... My wife is more like your husband. She comes in and dumps her stuff on the kitchen table and it will stay there for weeks if I don't put it away. Same with the bath towles and her hair products etc etc. So you are not alone. You should have someone like me that appreciates all that you do. Someone that does not need to be reminded that you worked all day and a hot meal ready with flowers on the table would be a nice thing to come home to. That and a little doggy style sex so your G spot gets a good work out... You may want to rethink getting old together. (I know I am)You will still be doing all the work and not being appreciated for it. As they say "up Maine".The work gets hardah as you get oldah.
ReplyDeleteTammie...
ReplyDeleteI saved the Bukowski poem, thanks for that.
Same thing has happened to me, maybe 5 times in my entire life. I've never forgotten any of those women.
There, in those few lines, my life story.
Thanks again.
Uncle Buzz in Wheeling
The poem...I wonder. How many chances are we allowed?
ReplyDeleteYou have my sympathies where the 'pitching in' is concerned. While my solution (left him) won't be yours (in all likelihood), it did the trick for me. I never felt better about myself than when the guilt stopped being hurled over the fence at me.
Maybe the fight helped somehow. Seems like SOMETHING got through to him.
Don't you sometimes feel like finding a nice 'you shaped' place where nobody can find you?
{{HUGS}} You shouldn't feel guilty. It seems like he lives with the idea that all the activities you do for the children are "ALL" your responsibility. As a family the activities are both the parents responsibility. Have you considered any marriage counseling? Sometimes having an unbiased third party hear your issues and give an opinion will help clear up some of those old preconcieved ideas that a "Stay at Home" mother doesn't work just because she doesn't get a paycheck.
ReplyDeleteBuk rules! Love your choice there.
ReplyDeleteYou must fight the guilty feelings. For some reason, it's like we (women mostly, but some men too) feel like the people we love should somehow just know what we need them to do. If we had to ask or fight about it, their doing it doesn't count because it's something we "made" them do. This ruins too many tender hearts and way too many relationships. You did not make him want to do something nice for you because he didn't realize how his actions had made you feel. The love he feels for you did once he learned what he'd been doing.
Guilt is a very difficult thing to rid oneself of. Only accept guilt for things you're done out of menace, selfishness, or neglect. Do not attach it to sticking up for yourself. That will only lead to you sticking up for yourself less and Mr. Man not getting to learn what you think about things.
Guilt is a good thing only if we allow it to attach to the things we've done for which we deserve to feel guilty.
Guilt is a social control. It's something we're taught so that when we do things about which we should feel guilty our minds punish us so that we (hopefully) won't be mean, tear someone else's life apart for personal gain, be hurtful to others, steal, and so on.
When you feel guilt because the person you love had to be told they were doing something that hurt you and they loved you enough to want to make amends (to atone for their own guilt...which they deserved for what they'd done), tell that guilt it's hanging in the wrong heart. What you should be feeling is glad that he loves you as much as you love him.
Hard to learn, but worthwhile. Besides, so many assholes out there spend a lot of time making nice folks feel guilty for making assholes do the right thing.
Mr. Man's no asshole. Neither are you. Two spritzes of Guilt-Be-Gone and you should both be fine.
((hugs))
I hear ya sistah. I don't volunteer as much these days - mostly because of Sissy, but also because the Evil Twin got upset when I did. I wasn't "spending enough time on MY family" and their never-ending needs.
ReplyDeleteThing is, you're appreciated beyond belief, even if they don't show it much. (at least that's what I tell myself in my own little happy place...).
I'm proud that your daughters are seeing how hard you work.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel guilty about your husband making amends. He was right to do what he did.
It will take more than once for this to stick. Don't give up.
hmmmm...that comment about your daughters seeing how hard you have to work...will they think that that will be their life also??? Sounds like you are doing a great job...perhaps you can learn to delagate some chores...hard to do, cause it is so much easier to do ourselves....and a good blow up is a good thing once in awhile!
ReplyDeleteI do have advice to give, but it is part of the institutional crap that I have been listening(taught) over the years.
ReplyDeleteMost of it actually works, but it only works if both have their heads in the game.
I think you need serious "Me Time". Just sayin'. Fuckitol, give your temporary notice, and go find your peace.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Some great advice here.
ReplyDeleteLoved the poem, it hits home.