Fight the good fight...

I feel sorry for people....the homeless man I saw standing on Corridor G last night...and the lady who lives down the street from me..(lonely and bitter, shutting out the rest of the world.)
I even feel sorry for Brittany Spears...

People who are in a broken condition evoke sympathy in me.

I have empathy for those who try to destroy themselves while they're in a fragile condition...

I know that all too well.

I've stood at that threshold more than one time and looked into the abyss of destruction...ready to fling myself in and let it consume me.
It's tempting when you feel like everything that matters in life evades you and you think you have nothing...

Why haven't I ever given in to that self-destruction and allowed myself to take the easy way out?

There are several reasons...
First of all...there is NO easy way out. That's a myth. I watched my mother try to take the easy way out of things the entire time I was growing up. She was disappointed with her life and her relationships and never dealt with any of it. She dragged me through one mess after another and still didn't find what she was looking for.
I was constantly traveling from nightmare to nightmare. Now I'm spending the rest of my life trying to free myself of the scars inflicted on a child who had no choice but to 'deal' with her mother's tragic journey through the 'disappointment of her life'.

Another reason I chose to never step over into that self-destructive chaos, is because I kept telling myself that while I didn't have any other choice but to live with the things that happened to me as a little girl, I WOULD have choices someday when I was an adult.

And I wanted to be happy...safe...loved...wanted...

I almost gave into the destruction once...
I lost hope when I turned 14. It was stolen from me,taken from me...violently and savagely and after years of keeping it hidden, safely in the deepest part of my heart, I couldn't feel it anymore.
The next year went by in a blur...I had a boyfriend..who wasn't a bad guy, he was just young and horny and I allowed to use me and treat me like garbage...I didn't think I deserved anything better than that.
I drank and did reckless things...(although I never did drugs because in my eyes that was the evil that sparked the frenzy that took my hope from me.)

I thought about suicide every day.

I guess I was too cowardly to do anything about it.

Then I got pregnant.
Yes...I had my oldest daughter when I was 16.
She saved my life and I don't care what anyone else says about it...she did.
I didn't care whether I lived or died but when I found out that there was another living being depending on me to make the choice of whether to live or die, I chose life.

It was very hard..I got kicked out of my house. I lived with my grandparents and worked nights and took care of my daughter during the day.There was no going to the state for welfare (that was unheard of). I cleaned houses, worked in potato houses, worked the harvest...backbreaking work.
I had to drop out of school and do a correspondence course, which was difficult and frustrating because of the lack of transportation to get into town to take my weekly tests. I lost almost all my friends and my boyfriend abandoned me, until his parents got involved...then we ended up married.

That just made it worse.

As I've said before...I was his ball and chain and he tried to beat and pound it off until I finally chose life again and left his sorry ass.

This isn't easy for me to write. It's much easier to write about the happy, silly things I look for every day. The darker things are the things I try to avoid...but I was having a hard day and I needed to deal with it.
You see...dealing with things makes you stronger...you can win that battle if you just have enough courage to face it. Hiding from it or giving into it gives IT all the power. I won't allow that...I can't allow that.

If they've asked for it, I've given advice to people who are going through a rough time. I'm very honest about what I think and what I see about their situation. Some people may think I'm harsh and heartless, but I really only have their best interest at heart. I know how love and heartache and fear can confuse you and cause you to make bad decisions. It's hard to see what's solid in your life and what's not.

When someone is hurting...broken...fragile...lost...I am transported back to places I'd rather not revisit.
I've gone hungry,I've slept out in the cold(because I was afraid to go home),I've been heartbroken,felt helpless....hopeless...

Maybe it's easy to be empathetic toward others when you've felt the things they've felt...when you've been to that same low place they're at.
We've all had our problems and heartbreaks...we've all been broken at one time or another. The only difference between us and Brittany Spears is that we have made different choices that have taken us in a different direction...toward a better place than her.
She might be rich...she might be famous...but she's still human and she's in a broken state right now.
I can't help but be sad for her....

I try not to dwell on my past. I get up each morning with a good outlook on things.But sometimes those demons dig into my back and the insecurity and fear gets the best of me.
A black eye fades...a broken leg heals...but those scars inflicted on the heart...they never completely heal.
Some people pick at them and make new scabs until they grow bigger and nastier and can't be overlooked anymore.
My scars are hidden. I don't pick at them...I look them over carefully and rub salve into the ones who need a little more help to heal than the others. It stings and it hurts, but only for a little bit and then I can get on with living again.

When I think back to that year when I was 14 and I kept thinking I was too cowardly to kill myself, I finally came to the conclusion that dying is easy....it's living that's hard.
We are all courageous to walk through each day, knowing that there's another day waiting for us when it's over...none of us know what tomorrow brings. It could be great joy or great sorrow...we never know until it arrives.

I want to be loved...I want to be wanted...I want to feel safe...happy and secure.

I choose life and I hope I can continue to find the good things in it that bring happiness and love into this world.