Elderly Hell Survivalist...that's me...

I went out among them yesterday....
Yes...you heard right.
I not only went out among the Elderly Hell Multitudes, I went to the grocery store, drug store AND doctor's office!!!!
I could tell there was some restless energy in the air when I drove the kids to school.The Elderly are like cats...acting all crazy and everything when there's bad weather. It had snowed Monday night and then froze on the roads, so we had a two hour delay. Because of the later time,the Elderly were out on the road when I took the kids to school.Usually this is not the case and there's no need to panic, not even on Elderly Hell Day...but...this Tuesday was different. I told the kids to brace themselves and make sure they were buckled up. They laughed in the face of danger, but I insisted. I KNEW the danger at hand.



"Kill or be killed", I told them...

Why is it that the Elderly drive those huge ass cars? They seem to find the biggest cars they can. The ones that have the most potential to cause serious damage. I've seen countless heads of blue hair popping up over the top of steering wheels, with no sign of anyone actually navigating these mammoth vehicles, many, MANY times. The mere thought of it sends fear chills racing up and down my spine.(Remember that granny wearing spandex and the Elvis shirt?)
Anyway, I managed to deliver all of the children safely to school but that leads me to another question I have.

Do you honestly think it's an accident when some old man is doing twenty five in a fifty five mile an hour zone?
I think the government hires these old dudes, or perhaps just gives them free stuff like Ben-Gay packs, big buckled belts or plaid house shoes. I can see some official perusing the dead pecker bench at the local McDonalds' looking for potential candidates.



Why would the government plant these deviant old geezers on the roads during rush hour traffic?
I'll tell you why.
They're looking for the right kind of people for 'certain' kinds of jobs.
Yep...that's right.
I'd never be approached for one of these government jobs because as you all know, I'm WAY too laid back and easy going...
But yeah, I think that if the government recruiters see some guy getting REALLY pissed off because he's stuck behind Harold,who's doing twenty five in a fifty five mile an hour zone, this guy becomes a source of interest.
So they watch.
Then they see him turning every shade of red while foaming at the mouth and screaming obscenities...
I bet that sparks an interest...
When the angry guy runs Harold off the road, smashing not only Harold's vehicle but his own vehicle in the process...then roughly drags Harold and his walker from the car and beats Harold down with his walker, no remorse or mercy shown...
I bet that raises an eyebrow.
When the angry guy finishes up by beating in the hood and doors,busting the lights and windows out and then setting Harold's car on fire...
I believe this pissed off dude just road raged himself into a government job.
He's going to end up being the head of covert operations in Nicaragua soon after his little tantrum.
It takes some special insanity to work for that branch of the government. Well...there and the post office.
But yes...this is my theory on the whole old dudes driving at a snail's pace during rush hour thing.

It's no accident.

I went to Kroger's yesterday too.I knew I had to make a cake for Little Beatle's activity later in the evening and I didn't have any baking powder or cocoa. So I bravely went, where no one should ever go on Elderly Hell day.
KROGERS!
As I walked through the doors, I could literally FEEL every old white lady's eyes on me. They really hate me...I'm not kidding.
In the produce there was a pack of them surrounding the butter squash area, so I was grateful I didn't need anything from that part of the store. I walked briskly, with my arms in front of me, and for a split second I wondered why I'd never gone out to buy a football helmet and padding for Elderly Hell day's at Krogers.I really need something like that.As if to illustrate the validity of my need for padding and a helmet, I narrowly missed getting the back of my ankle ripped open by some sour faced old hag who was leaning on her shopping cart like a freakin speed racer. Why is it that it takes an hour for them to walk twelve feet but put a shopping cart in front of them and they're prctically flying through the store!
I leaped across the main aisle and made my way into the baking supplies.
There was no one there and I couldn't believe my luck. I looked up and found the cocoa I needed. Then I turned and came face to face?(boob to face?) with this old blue haired lady who was just staring at me.



I asked her if she needed me to reach something for her, but she didn't answer..she just kept staring. It was fucking creepy....

I left with my things without being molested in any way and I felt very proud of my bravery.It wasn't the most terrible trip to Krogers on an Elderly Hell day...considering how it normally goes.

Later that afternoon, Miss KIA had a doctor's appointment and since we live in the Florida of West Virginia, the doctor's office was PACKED with Elderly.I protectively wrapped my arm around Miss KIA and we sat together, huddled in a protective back to back position.
There were lots of dirty looks thrown our way and a few whispered things, accompanied but more dirty looks, but all in all, we were relatively safe.
The only real incident happened when we were in line to be checked out. Two old white ladies skipped me. I was not happy about it, but because I'm polite, I didn't say anything. When a third one tried it though, I wasn't so kind.
I simply said...LOUDLY..."I farted. I hope it doesn't smell bad."
The old bat gave me a sneer and snorted at me, probably thinking I had terrible manners or whatever, but damnit! I was not going to be skipped in line a third time.
The receptionist chuckled under her breath and reached for my folder. She drew a smiley face on my receipt so I knew she understood my pain...either that or she has a fart fetish and I turned her on.



Who knows?

Anyway, I'm out of time for today. I had a hectic day yesterday and today will be more of the same. I was so tired I even slept in until almost six this morning. So that means I still need to shower and then be out of here by ten. I won't be back home again until after six. It's going to be a crazy day....

I'm doing something that I don't normally do.
I'm actually working on a post. It's going to contain everything I like about the people on my blog roll with links and inserts of my favorite posts by them. I thought about doing one person a day and that might still be a possibility, but the fact that I'm actually having to plan ahead about what I'm going to post here is a new thing for me. I always just sit down and write whatever it is that I'm thinking about. No notes...no preparation...just a whole lot of "you get what you get" stuff...whatever that happens to be that day.
So I'm kind of excited about doing things differently. It's a way for me to grow as a blogger maybe?

With that said...here is my mood for today....



I like to stay busy but I really am tired. Some days are just crazier than others I guess. Hope everyone has a good day and doesn't end up being recruited by our government for a job....

Kiss! Kiss!