Huh? A Sunday update...and number 200 too...

This is my 200th post. Interesting...

I normally don't write on Sundays but ever since I met with BuzzardBilly and ETW I've been deep in thought about my friendships.
They brought up a good point. One that I hadn't considered in fact. What is it you ask?
They said that most women tend to choose their friends based on who their children associate with. It makes perfect sense to befriend other adults who spend a lot of time with you. Whether it's someone your kid hangs out with or someone who's kid plays football with your kid...chances are that you're going to be spending a lot of time together anyway, so why not be friends?

Basically that's what I've done. I've chosen friends who's kids are involved in the same activities that my kids are. We spend a lot of time together because we are at a lot of the same events. So I see them every time there's an activity.

But what about when there's NOT an activity?

That's what I'd been thinking about.
I've always considered myself to be blessed with lots of friends.
I've created this illusion around myself that I'm ok. I have people I can turn to if there's an emergency. After all, I'm always willing to give 100% of myself if I can. The only things that have ever prevented me from helping out a friend is illness or an inability to because of lack of money or resources.

Living down here has been hard.I've felt isolated and lonely living away from my family. I have felt terrified before when there's been a crisis and worried because I didn't have anyone to turn to. I've felt very alone living here...no one to call...no one coming to visit....no one inviting me over..there have been stretches where I have felt crushed by the weight of responsibility and I haven't felt like I've had anyone to call(when Mr.Man was out of work last year for example).

So I've cried when I'm alone so no one could see how weak I've felt. I've thrown myself into volunteer work to keep from thinking about it. I've just kept myself busy and I have ignored the need to have friends...to have someone to lean on. I've taken care of myself.

I need a best friend. I'm not talking about the kind of friends who only call you if they need a favor. And I'm not talking about the kind of friends who only call you to help them with one of your kids activities.
I'm talking about the kind of friend that you can call when you feel like everything is spinning out of control. The kind of friend who will listen...and take the time to listen...because they really love you. And they like you in spite of your faults.
I want a best friend who includes you in their life and invites you over to their house and comes to visit you at yours....because they like spending time with you.
I want a best friend who knows they can come to you with anything and trusts that you'll listen and you'll be there for them because you love them, in spite of their faults.

Too much to expect?

After thinking about it, I discovered that I don't have that from my friends.
My "friends" have get-togethers and BBQ's and celebrate birthdays together. They go out shopping or to lunch and even invite each other over for dinner.

But I'm not included.

I used to call and invite my friends over to dinner...but they'd decline. No one had time to eat lunch because they work and I don't....I didn't get invited to the BBQ's or the birthday parties and finally I just gave up.

They still call me occasionally...but it's only when they need help on a project or if they need me to work one of our kids activities or if one of their kids needed a ride or they need a babysitter...

No real friend stuff...just acquaintance things...

"Yeah...we know her. She's a nice person and is always willing to help out."

Ignoring these things can work...but only temporarily. I'm one of those idiots that think, "If I only tried harder then they'd want to be my friend."

Sadly pathetic don't you think?

So this afternoon, I'm sitting here at home while Mr.Man took Little Beatle to his activity. I wanted to go but I just didn't have the heart for it.

Why did I stay home?

Because it hurts me to see all of my "friends" sitting together, making plans and having a great time and know that I'm excluded from it.

I've wondered if maybe I've done something to warrant it? I've wracked my brain wondering what it could be and I can't come up with anything, but that doesn't mean I haven't done something to offend or upset them. If I've done something, I wish they'd just tell me so I could apologize and make it right. Pride has never been one of my strengths and I'm perfectly capable of groveling when I've wronged someone.

Of course maybe they just don't like me. I am different. I'm not from here. I do things differently than they do...I am just different.Different is hard for some people to take. The things we are used to are comforting while different can be unsettling.

Sometimes I feel like I will never really belong here....that no matter what I do or how I act or how much of myself I give away it will never be enough to gain their acceptance.

I feel like I will always bee the person that's called when they need something but the rest of the time I will be on the outside looking in.

So....what do I do about that?

I don't know really.
It's a pretty harsh thing when you take a good look at your life and realize it's nothing like you thought it was.
I thought I was surrounded with wonderful friends I could count on like a family. Yeah...I thought I had an extended family...but it's clear to me now that was only superficial and wasn't for the long haul. It was temporary and I was more committed to the friendships than they were.

I tend to do that. I commit to someone and give them 100% of myself, even if I'm only getting 1% back from them. It's just in my nature. Residual behavior from my childhood I think...the always trying to make someone love me thing...(it didn't work then so why would it work now you stupid adult Tammie that should know better?)

I just need to make some changes...
First of all...I need to stop hiding in my volunteer work. I need to stop working and working and pushing the reality of my imaginary network of security out of my head. There is no security. If something happens I will have to deal with it on my own. I used to be able to take care of myself but apparently I've gotten soft in my old age. I don't understand why I think I need to have someone to hold my hand in times of trouble and all that crap.

Second of all....I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself every time I hear that they're all doing something together and once again I'm not included. I need to recognize that they just get along better with each other and they didn't click with me. I can't take it so personally. I need to keep reminding myself that just because you're useful to someone doesn't mean you're someone they would choose to be friends with. I serve a purpose in their lives, it's just not the one I thought it was.

Third of all...I need to learn how to be more content spending quiet time by myself....NOT WORKING. That's where the knitting comes in. I'm going to re-acquaint myself with knitting and sewing and other crafts I enjoy. I'm going to get busy getting my house in order after years of neglecting it to do things for others. I'm going to take long walks and check out more books at the library.I need to begin doing more things for myself.

Fourth of all...I'm going to stop saying yes so much. I'm going to make myself the first priority for once.I need to love myself more...I need to be kind to myself more. I'm always giving all my love away...all my kindness away...all of ME away...I need to stop doing that. I need to realize that I can't buy other people's love by doing everything they ask of me. It just doesn't work that way. If it did, I'd have more love than I'd knew what to do with it...

I have given and given myself away for years and years and I'm feeling pretty empty. It's a terrible feeling.
I feel raw from the inside out...I ache...I try to cry and I'm dry. I find myself catching my breath...like all the oxygen has been sucked out of my universe.
It's almost feels as though I am on the inside of an aquarium...looking through the glass and watching the rest of the world. Every one else is free...they can touch each other...they can move undetected while I am on display every moment of the day.
I'm trapped. I'm alone with an audience of many.
I wait until someone pays attention to me then I do tricks to entertain them, I do whatever it takes to make them happy hoping and praying they'll release me from this horrible place I've gotten myself trapped in.

It's a prison of my own making really. The fear of being alone and the need to be loved and the heartache of being rejected and the self-hatred of feeling weak because I need people. THOSE are the four walls that have me trapped...not the lack of friends or the lack of security.

I've made myself a prisoner and I need to break free of it....