Seriously...
I got falling down drunk Sunday afternoon. I was literally SO drunk I was slurring my words.
I knew that would shock you...*grin*
Why'd I get so blasted you ask? Well..I don't know. I was annoyed and bored and pissed and tired. So I drank and laid in the hammock. Apparently I didn't pay much attention to how much I was drinking because before I knew it, the cooler was empty and my bladder was full and I fell out of the hammock as I got up to go to the bathroom.
(I think my boobs fell out of my shirt a little too. What of it? you've seen one boob, you've seen a million.)
"Hooolly sheatt!" I slurred to Mr.Man.
Mr.Man: What the hell is wrong with you now? Have you had a stroke?
Me: I'm sheatfaaced!
Mr.Man: Don't keep me awake and make sure you don't pass out naked somewhere in the front yard.
ME: Where's the bafroom?
Yeah...Mr.Man loves me. Can you feel the love there?
Thankfully I kept my drunken escapade a secret from the Jesus Police who live on my street.
Speaking of the Jesus Police, do you remember Miss KIA's boyfriend's mother? Well I ran into some people who go to church with her. They told me she's been saying the most awful things about me. Not that I'm surprised. Ironically enough, the people she's telling don't believe anything she's saying about me, mainly because they know what I'm like. They know I haven't been bad mouthing her and they already know about her temper. Her mother had told them about her not speaking to a couple of her sisters for months on end because of an imagined feud. Those things have shot her credibility. So I'm not worried about it. I just would like to see her be a mature adult and drop it for the sake of her son like I did.
Yeah...I might get drunk in my yard but I don't tear people apart in church.
We all have our vices I guess....
Speaking of vices...my curiosity paid off a little. While I didn't delurk that many people, I did get a few lurkers to come forward. There's still a lot who didn't but I got to meet a couple and I found two new blogs to read too. And just so you know Dave, you are still my top stalker. Alan or no Alan, no one can take your place...LOL
Alan...still not married huh? That's not really a shocker. Let me tell everyone about you, Alan.
Alan was one of the HOTTEST guys I've ever gone out with. Blonde hair, blue eyes, Florida surfer boy. Funny! Smart! And and southern gentleman all the way...kind of. He did have one little flaw.
HE WAS A MAN WHORE!
I wouldn't have fucked him if he was wearing a full body condom made out of a wet suit.
We hadn't even properly groped eachother yet and he fucked this redhead named Maggie at a cop party. I heard about it within minutes of the actual deed....
I'm dead serious.
As soon as I found out about his weakness for whoring, I dumped him like a slick turd in a mud puddle.
So Alan...I bet you've been engaged a lot but I'm not surprised you are not married. That's what happens when you can't keep Mr.Winky from hijacking your brain and sticking itself in every hole that will allow it. And some of those holes can be nasty..I met a few of them after we broke up...
A normal night's quota for Alan...
Yeah...well that's all I have for today. Little Beatle has a banquet tonight and I need to bake a few things for it.
See ya's tomorrow...
Funny. Sounds like my typical weekend, but I don't drink during the day... Oops, did I just say that out loud?
ReplyDeleteI really need to take some of those classess on man whoring. Do you think Alan teaches a seminar or something like that?
ReplyDeletePoor Alan, I hope he didn't pick up the skank from any of those girls.
ReplyDeleteIt was necessary to get drunk this weekend. I had to release some stress. Sounds like you were totally relaxed!
You realize that your title:
ReplyDelete"Shocker! I did it and it was fun...."
..has an entirely different meaning when you use the "shocker" definition of "one in the bum...two in the fun."
Go ahead. Google it. I'll wait.
ETW: We lushes need to stick together, you know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteRon: Stay away from Alan. He is not the shining example of manhood, just dickhood.
Brenda: I enjoy getting drunk. There is always that proud satisfaction when you realize you've been drunk and haven't disrobed in public or peed on yourself. I need those small milestones to keep my self-esteem going.
Moog: I KNOW what the Shocker is...the Spocker...the Rocker...the Teaser...the Pleaser and the Show Stopper.
I've been there...done that...loved all of them.
(Are you not aware that I'm a sexual deviant? I think you need to go back and read a few older posts when you get a chance...*wink*)
Yay for Sunday afternoon drankin'! From time to time we all need a pressure release like dat.
ReplyDeleteFull body condom made from a wetsuit. Hee!!!
It was definitely a gorgeous weekend to spend drunk.
ReplyDeleteI mean, outside.
Or drunk, outside.
I'm at T-Minus 5 for Maine. Need anything?
How did I end up as the stalker? At least I leave comments and a picture.
ReplyDeleteAlan was being all secretive about it and lurking and such. No telling how many times that man-whore has printed off that picture of you in the sunglasses where you are making the kissing lips and...
Uh... hey.
Nevermind...
The Evil Twin told me recently that he mostly uses the Spocker. I never knew. I just called it "the thing I like." LOL.
ReplyDeleteTammie you're right. I am still a man-whore. I was engaged once but couldn't resist her sister or her cousin.
ReplyDeleteI bet you still wonder what you missed out on. A roll in the sack is worth the risk of an STD. I'm that good.
Heeheeee!
ReplyDeleteI'm such a lightweight... I don't get drunk, I just get unconscious.
mmm Drunk nakid blonde on the front lawn. Seems like I have been there before. Funny the neighbors tend to frown on that( the wife said as she was winking at me)...
ReplyDeleteToday is Tuesday. It's my first day alone without have-to-do-or-the-universe-will-crack errands. I think I'm going to follow your fine example. Without a drink, falling down and having your boobs flop out isn't nearly as fun.
ReplyDeleteDid someone say tits? LOL.
ReplyDeleteYou drink?
ReplyDelete