My crazy family...the Maine-iacs...Part #1

In less than a month from now, a horde of wild viking berserkers will descend upon The County,terrorizing the good citizens that live there.



And what am I referring to, you ask?

The annual trek home to Maine.
My entire family will be there. Coming from as far away as California, Alaska and even Hawaii..
Of course we are all scattered along the eastern coast as well, but a few of us got adventurous and went west to find riches!
Translation: The west coast family has money while the rest of us on the east coast are still poor bastards scraping away trying to make a living.(Yes...we allow the west coast family to pick up the bar tab but only when they insist.)

I just thought it might be time to tell you a little about my family. There are two different sides. My Nana's family and my Pa's family. Then there is an entire entity of it's own called the family by marriage. I'm pretty certain that marrying into my family causes mental anxiety or insanity. Maybe even both.

Hmmm...who should I start with? How about my Pa's family? None of them except for "Lake Man" still live in northern Maine. The rest of them have scattered all over, with the majority living in southern Maine and New Hampshire.
"Lake Man's" mother was Pa's sister. He was her only son.
She indulged him and that's to be expected I guess. But it did make him a little different that other people...

"Lake Man" lives in a shack on the lake.



It's literally falling down around him. He never bathes,(unless you consider jumping in a lake, river or mud puddle bathing.) He eats non-stop with both hands and can out-drink, out-fight and out-fart the best of them.
He literally smells like a bear that's rolled in shit with a smidgen of wood smoke (his only form of heat through those cold winters.)
I suppose you could say that "Lake Man" is one of the last hold outs for that entire 'mountain man' way of life.
He drives a shitty brown Chevy that's patched up with bondo and sheet medal riveted to the side panels. There's books and clothes and god knows what else piled in his car so that there's only enough room for him to ride in it. He can take no passengers, not that anyone would probably want to ride in there with him anyway.

Thankfully he bathes with soap and water at least once during our two week visit there. It's just enough to allow him into the house and be able to speak to him without gagging. I know this sounds mean, but it's not meant that way. In fact, I think his lack of hygiene is attributed to his high intelligence.



The man is a walking encyclopedia. I'm not shitting you.

If you tell him something, ten years later he can tell you exactly what you said, when you said it and what you were wearing that day.

He knows more about everything than anyone I've ever met.
He was married once and has three kids, who are all VERY smart and VERY successful.
His two sons stay too busy to really talk to him much, which is kind of sad, but his daughter keeps in touch with him regularly.
She invited him down to Washington D.C. to visit her a couple years back. During his stay there, Lake Man was transformed into an unrecognizable individual.
He was scrubbed from head to toe...(apparently that wasn't a tan after all)...and he received a hair cut and a shave.
She dressed him in a suit and took him to a fancy Washington dinner,where he proceeded to shove food in his mouth with both hands and grab the wine bottle from the waiter so he could drink straight from it.
Lake Man's son-in-law was mortified. He described the scene as something out of a cheap film about a Viking raid/ The Godfather remake...
Lake Man did redeem himself, however, wowing everyone with all the information he has holed up in his head.
He earned a reputation as an eccentric, not as a revolting slob, as his son-in-law feared. In fact, several of the influential people he met that night have been to the lake to go ice fishing with him and have canoed the Allagash river with him as their guide.
He has, of course, resumed his old habits and looks like a wild man, straight out of the mountains, but I honestly think this is just who he is.Lake Man makes me think of what Albert Einstein would have looked like as a Viking Berserker.



Ok...so maybe he looks more like Rabindranath Tagore except without bathing or combing his hair. Regardless,I think it's just who he is meant to be...

He is also very involved in the Historical society and knows the history of all the Swedish settlements in Northern Maine. He may be eccentric, but he has a sense of pride when it comes to his ancestry. Much of the research into the original settlers paths from Sweden are known thanks to his efforts. Because of him, I know that my great,great,great,great,great grandfather's name was Sten Nilsdotter and he lived in the Dalarna province of Sweden. I know a lot more about him too, but I can do a family tree post another time.

Lake Man is generous to a fault as well. If he actually HAD a bar of soap and you needed it, he'd give it up without hesitation. I've known him to pull his last dollar out of his pocket and give it to someone who needed it.

I will say that there are a few things I've never seen Lake Man do that other members of my family have done...a lot.
He doesn't do stupid shit when he's drunk.



He doesn't dress up like a woman when he's drunk.



He doesn't act like an asshole when he's drunk.



He doesn't throw up on people when he's drunk.



He doesn't pass out half-naked when he's drunk.



As for the rest of us? Well...that will be a story for another day. Tomorrow I will introduce you to my New Hampshire family. They are beer drinking champions of the universe and are the only people I know who can get in a bar fight and kick someone's ass while holding a beer in one hand and not spill a drop of it.

I figured that with my upcoming visit, I'd better introduce you to everyone so you know who I'm talking about when I recap my trip....

I'll see ya tomorrow. I have to get off here and get busy...deadlines for my volunteer job you know?