Maybe it's not apparent but there are quite a few days when I'm pretty miserable.
I deal with my misery using humor, so the funnier it is, the more shredded my insides are.
Of course there are the days when I try to look for something funny to take my mind off things and it just doesn't happen for me.
Today is one of those days.
Sometimes at the end of the week I feel like I'm buried in cement and the straws leading from my nostrils to my only oxygen supply are mangled and pinched. I try to catch my breath and I just can't.
Needless to say...I find some place to be alone and then I break down. Then after I've let it all out, I pick everything up again and cram it back inside and move on.
I think that cramming it all back is part of the problem...(Hey, at least I've figured that much out.)
How to fix it?
That's what I haven't figured out...so I write in here and it helps.
There was one guy I used to have on my blog roll who ridiculed me for saying that my blog was therapy.
At first I was hurt.
I know that sounds stupid, but I thought he enjoyed reading and for some odd reason I figured that since he read it, he liked me.
Hmmm...well I've since learned that that's not always the case.
Then I began to think about it...
What does he know about me?
He only knows what I choose to show him...along with the rest of you.
Most days I choose to show you the therapeutic side of me...that's where the humor comes from.
But there's a lot more.
I just don't give it away that easy...it's hard to open up that protective barrier I've built.
Who likes to do that anyway?
So don't sell the Goddess here short.
She's a pretty complicated woman.
Broken up and self-repaired...
An optimist...always hopeful that things will go her way eventually even though most of the time they don't....
A survivor...a mountain climber...reaching toward dreams that are literally so far away she can't even see them clearly anymore...climbing faster and harder as the distance widens...
Of course I need to be careful that my dreams aren't conjured out of air, lacking substance and reeking of self-destruction.
I wrote a poem once about that self-destructive nature we all possess. You know...longing for what we don't have or what we THINK will make us happier.. Of course I think it's human nature to be discontented no matter how contented we become. That unknown territory...it calls to us.
Bet ya didn't know I wrote poetry huh?
The Longing...
The longing
that sits like a rock in our soul
Ever present
no matter what we offer it
Weighs upon us all
and we carry the burden
We push it in front
Allowing it to direct our path
And we drag it grudgingly behind us
Allowing it to drain our strength
We find the rock lifted
from our soul on occasion
A temporary release
We set it free
Skimming it across the waters of happiness
Ripples of pleasure filling us
We lie to ourselves and say we are content
Knowing in time
The longing will return
Once the calm returns
And the water reflects a mirror of tranquility.
By T.F. 9-10-04
And there is a little part of what makes me who I am, in case anyone was wondering. The humor has to be fueled by something after all...
Back to the funny stuff Monday.
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Very nicely put. I think we all have our dark moments.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, be happy . . .
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better.
Bottling emotions and problems and whatnot does cause worse times down the road...cause every so often that bottle is going to overflow...and when it does, it's usually quite an unpleasant experience.
ReplyDeleteI do admire your strength and will to fight though. I always have. Hang in there.
Thanks for keeping it real. And for being funny,and serious, and for being you.
ReplyDeleteI think I could have written this blog...matter of fact I know I have written such blogs before. Actually did yesterday. This is therapy for the broken who hide behind our humor and twisted mentalities. If someone does not like it, change the fucking channel is what I say. No one said you had to read it. My blog started as therapy and become so much more, just depending on my mood. As should yours. I like it, and that is an honest answer.
ReplyDeleteThe blog sounds very familiar to me for some reason. And what's wrong with bottling emotions up??? What else are you supposed to do with them? Have a good weekend...
ReplyDeleteRonny....tsk
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog and I feel it is a journal. And as I was taught in school - journaling is theraputic. So whoever ridiculed you is a bonehead. So there!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Malicious Intent. We all have dark moments (some have dark months) and writing about it helps, no matter how you do it.
ReplyDeleteHeheheh, Gale said "Bonehead"
ReplyDeleteIt's your blog. You can call it whateverthehell you want.
ReplyDeleteAnd it can change from day-to-day, week-to-week.
Therapy.
Journal.
Entertainment.
MAsk.
Truth.
Whatever.
I'm not a poem guy, but that was nice reading.
ReplyDeleteSome of us come here because you are funny, then stick around because we like you. Not saying that you aren't still funny and we only like you; but, you know... you are likable. And funny. And we can be good listeners.
Your poem speaks volumes - I carry a similar rock.
ReplyDeleteBlogging is whatever we want it to be; no apologies or explanations needed. I love reading yours because you are authentic and not afraid to show it.
Sending hugs and sunny days your way :)
You know it's not a bad thing, from time to time, for us mere mortals to get a glimpse of a goddess' feet of clay. Makes us feel better able to carry our own @#%! rocks. That poem made a lot of sense. Today, for instance, I feel kind-of like you did on Saturday. I've got the post-vacation back-to-work the-economy-is-gonna-kill-us-all there's-too-damn-much-to-do why-do-I-have-to-explain-everything-to-everyone-100-times introvert-pretended-on-vacation-to-be-an-extrovert paying-the-piper blues. I feel like my life is an empty thin reedy thing that I've constructed out of artificial ingredients and preservatives. Actually I've had a number of exceptionally fantastic experiences in recent weeks, but right now I'm just tired and feeling like the glass is not even half full. In fact, I even realized, lying in bed very late at night, feeling joyful about my life less than 24 hours ago, that I would feel this crappy about things by this time today. So the humor (thanks for providing it straight up, like tequila shots) is important. It puts things back in perspective and lets us advance our rocks another step or two before we come unglued again. We can do this. You're helping more than just yourself. And you're providing some fun weekend conversation between my sweetheart and I... so please keep it up.
ReplyDeleteMoominpapa