My Maine-iac family #2

Today I will introduce you to the New Hampshire side of my family. No, they are not actually FROM New Hampshire, but have lived there going on close to 45 years.
It's my cousin on Pa's side of the family. Remember me telling you how I was going to introduce his side of the family first? Well this cousin is one of two daughters born to Pa's other sister.

Today will we talk about the Ups.
Why call them the Ups, you ask?
Well...my cousin's husband drove for UPS for YEARS.



That was, in fact, the place he retired from. So I did the word association thing and decided to call them Upsda (him) and Upsma (her). I thought myself very clever and think it's a catchy little thing to say, ok? Don't burst my bubble of happiness here dammit!

It's all about making myself happy, right?

Anyway, Upsda and Upsma have three sons. They're all grown now with children of their own but at one time they were holy terrors, hell bent on wreaking havoc every minute they spent in Maine. I believe they thought they could get away with more when Upsda was busy drinking and visiting. I think he might have been a tad bit stricter at home...

The oldest boy was very smart, very analytical. When we played guns he would NEVER die because he would argue that the angle of the gun wasn't right and there was no way a bullet from it would have shot him, blah, blah, blah. So for that reason and that reason alone, I think I'll call him The Ringo Kid (from the movie Stagecoach with John Wayne.)



He was the oldest boy and although he always maintained the appearance of being the best behaved child, he was sneaky evil. And by sneaky evil I mean evil. He'd do mean shit, like cut my hair when I was sleeping or take money and hide it under his brother's pillow so he'd get in trouble. He'd pee in a pitcher and tell the little kids it was lemonade. It was just horrible shit like that.

The next to oldest boy was always a manly man, even when he was a little kid. He was the kind of kid who if he stepped on a nail,he'd pull it out and then punch himself in the balls ad say, "That didn't hurt either." to prove how tough he was. We tease him about his manliness saying that he shops at the "Everything Manly" store. So for the sake of association, I'm going to call him "Sgt.Rock."



Sgt.Rock was always proving how manly he was...even when he didn't have a lick of hair growing anywhere except on his head. The boy was a sucker for pain and would do stupid shit like jump off the roof and slide down the asphalt on his bare chest, just for shits and grins.He'd arm wrestle the adults and sneak beer just so he could feel tough. As he got older he actually started to get cute and the neighborhood girls began asking me about my adorable cousin. So I'd take him with me to keg parties where he'd crush beer cans on his head and then convince the girls to show him their tits. If I'm not mistaken, a couple of them showed him more than just their tits and after that I was hounded about when he was coming to visit. Apparently he was pretty good a being manly...lol.

The youngest boy was quieter and kind of shy. He was the same age as my brother and they'd wander off together away from the chaos and do their thing. As he got older, he shied away from sports and loud things and began to play guitar and write songs. He grew his hair out long and smoked weed and wrote poetry. This was an abomination to Upsda, but he did it anyway. He said it was "who he was meant to be" and you know what, I can't argue with something like that. He reminds me of the lead singer for The Red Hot Chili Peppers, so I'm going to call him Chili.



Chili eventually moved into his parent's basement and started his own band..Chief Suck Face or something like that.Believe it or not, it was a metal band, not the quiet poetic stuff he'd written when he was younger. He became the wild child and went through a pretty troubled phase before calming down again...

So Upsda and Upsma had three sons, The Ringo Kid, Sgt.Rock and Chili. Every summer they'd throw them in their huge Chrysler and speed up the Maine Turnpike all the way to little old no-where's-ville.
They'd pile out, Upsda getting out of the car with a beer in his hand while Upsma would pluck a tissue out of her purse to dab at her tears of happiness. Whether she was happy to see everyone or just happy to get out of that car, I'm not sure. She always looked like a fashion model and wore bright red lipstick and kerchiefs tied in a knot at her neck.



I guess that since she was the only girly girl in the house, she felt she had better embrace it, lest she become a farting beer drinker like the rest of the men.

As I mentioned before, each boy had his own personality and as they grew, all of them retained a lot of the same traits they had as kids. Except in Sgt.Rock's case. He became even MORE manly and MORE tough as he got older. Just a couple of years ago, we were outside the camp with our children, (he has two daughters) and the girls wanted some string cut because they were making necklaces. He pulls a machete out of his pants,(it was literally that big) and sliced through the string like he was cutting a beef carcass in half.
Chili asked him, "Sgt. Rock. Did you get that at the "Everything Manly" store?
Sgt. Rock replied by picking Chili up off the ground by his nut sack.

Boys...

In 1999, we were all home for the summer and decided to go over to a bar that sits on the lake. We had some drinks and played pool and had a great time. The entire family went and pretty much took over the place. Well, that didn't sit so well with some of the locals,(whom I grew up with). They didn't appreciate having to share their pool tables with the likes of us, so they drank some courage and picked a fight.



Sgt.Rock was the first to get a fist in the jaw. Of course he bragged later on that he'd held on to his beer through the entire fight and hadn't spilled a drop of it....
Chili didn't fare as well, getting flung by his long hair across the bar and into the wall.
Upsda jumped on the biggest guy there and hung on for dear life. He is only 5'5" and no bigger than a minute.Trust me when I tell you that his sons got their height from their mother's side of the family.
True to form, The Ringo Kid slipped quietly out the side door until the State Troopers arrived to break up the fight.
Since we're related to the owner, the other guys got in trouble...we stayed and played pool until two or three in the morning.
Sgt.Rock told the troopers he was a New Hampshire trooper and well, with his everything manly clothes and short crew cut, they believed him. You know...being the manly man that he is...



...Some skanky chick who put out for him later that night thought he was a trooper too.(He's really a sales rep for a computer company.)
Upsda "WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOOO'D! All the way back to the camp, which probably chased away any bears, moose, deer or other creatures we might have encountered on our way home. Upsda's WHOOOING is his trademark and he does it EVERY TIME we go anywhere. (Even church..I'm not shitting you.)

You might wonder why I decided to introduce you to all of my family members. Well there are several reasons. I was talking to BuzzardBilly on the phone one day and we were discussing HER very interesting family. I told her that I really didn't have any characters like hers in MY family. Then I got to thinking about it and realized that I was wrong. I have quite an extended family and we are all crazy when we get together. Since we're all going to be getting together this summer and I'll probably be writing about it, I thought I'd lay the ground work so you all know who they are and what their story is....
Plus I've added a cast of characters to help out a little bit.

Check out the new additions to my blog roll too. The entire blog roll is made up of great people and they're well worth your time.

One last thing. It's about the awards I have received from everyone. I am always so honored when someone gives me an award for my blogging. I just don't think I'm as deserving as someone else might be. I guess I don't think I'm as great as you do? LOL...Does that make sense? Anyway, even though I'm too embarrassed to make a big deal out of the awards, I do appreciate them and I'm always surprised every time I get one.
So thank you...I am honored and speechless.