Oh for Christ's sakes!!!

I woke up this morning around five.
Now tell me....does anyone look like a goddamn movie star at five in the fucking morning?!!?!



That's what I thought....
Apparently Mr.Man hasn't seen the memo on that one.
As soon as I hit the bottom step this morning, he turned at looked at me.
"Come here for a second," he said...(which was brave because there hadn't been one drop of coffee to touch my lips yet.)
I expected a kiss or maybe a hug...something cuddly and sweet you know?
Instead he looked at me and said, "Damn baby. You look ROUGH.It looks like a hair bomb went off on your head. And those bags underneath your eyes....they're BAADDD. Are you sure you're feeling ok? Maybe you need to start taking vitamins."

At first I didn't move and I think that's only because I was in shock.
THEN my head EXPLODED!!!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "I LOOK ROUGH!!??" I yelled.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT LOOKS LIKE A HAIR BOMB WENT OFF ON MY HEAD!!!" I screeched.
"YOU KNOW HOW SENSITIVE I AM ABOUT THIS STUPID FUCKING HAIR CUT AND HOW MUCH I HATE IT AND HOW I'VE CONTEMPLATED ASSASSINATING THE HAIRDRESSER THAT DID THIS TO ME!!!"
Catching my breath, I continued...
"AND I FEEL FINE! IN FACT I FELT LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS UNTIL YOU PISSED ME OFF AND NOW I JUST FEEL LIKE BEATING YOUR STUPID ASS!"
Sweating and with eyes bulging out of my head, I finished with..."YOU NEED TO GO DIG A HOLE IN THE BACK YARD WITH YOUR STONE PECKER SO I HAVE SOME PLACE TO DUMP YOUR BODY WHEN I'M FINISHED SHOVING VITAMINS UP YOUR GODDAMN ASS!"

You know...he acted surprised...which amazed me...



After he tippy-toed off to work, then text messaged me an apology, I finished getting the kids ready for school. I threw them in the car and sped off to their destinations, slowing down long enough for them to jump out and roll safely onto the sidewalk in front of their schools...

Then I came home and began the 'inspection'....

I really hate giving in to vanity...I really do. But how on earth could Mr.Man SAY something like that to me without there being some basis to it?
Fucking man...
So I began the inspection with the thing that pissed me off the most...the hair comment.
What do I do about it???...
Do I cut it shorter in the hope that it will look better or I'll like the new style better?
Or do I cram it into my Boston Red Sox cap for three months until it grows out a bit?
Until 'Mr.Fucked-my-hair-up' chopped it into layers, it NEVER stuck straight up on my head in the morning. Now I look like a damn chicken every morning....a chicken that's hyped up on speed.



I shrugged and really didn't come up with any solutions about my hair. I have a death wish on that flaky hair dresser I'm telling you...bastard.

So I moved on to the eye area.
Honestly there are dark circles and bags underneath my eyes. But in my defense, I have fair skin and Veggie Stick even has them. I think it's a hereditary thing. I suppose the late nights and early mornings don't help, but there just isn't enough time in the day for eight hours of sleep. WHO has time for that?
I made a list for the drug store and the first thing on it was 'heavy duty concealer'. If I can't get rid of the damn things, I suppose I'll have to cover them up.
Then my nose caught my eye. I had a few stray nostril hairs waving at me from my nose. That's just disgusting...



So I dug in Mr.Man's trimmer kit until I found the nose trimmer I bought him for Christmas several years ago. Then I got to work, trimming my nostril hair.
As I was trimming away, a thought occurred to me...
When you shave hair on your body it always comes back in thicker...
OH MY GOD!!!
I'm going to have bigfoot growing out of my freakin nose when it comes back in now!!!
I should have plucked!!!
What the hell is wrong with me??!!!

I IMMEDIATELY stopped and dug in my bag for my tweezers.

Umm....does anyone have ANY idea how PAINFUL it is to pluck nose hairs?

After I pissed myself and passed out, I decided to move on to another area for inspection...
My eyebrows.
*Whistles*
I had NO IDEA I had a unibrow thing happening up there. I guess I just kind of ignored that area because most of the time my glasses hide it.
Now if I'd been wearing my contacts more often, then I probably would have noticed it but instead I was walking around looking like an anemic caveman...



I began plucking...which also hurts like a mother, but not as badly...and after a good ten minutes I was happy with the results.

The womanstache was easier to tame...buzzzz...buzzzz...with that little trimmer thingy I got with my lady shaver and it was gone. If you'll remember, it was that same little trimmer that sheared off half my eyebrow when my cell phone vibrated in my back pocket. I even posted pictures, remember?

I don't worry too much about the lip area. It's still looking mighty good considering what I put it through...



Anyway....moving on to my complection, which has always been pretty smooth and flawless, I noticed a few minor areas that were on the verge of a breakout.
I NEVER broke out in high school. In fact the amount of break outs over the years were probably equal to the amount of hang overs I've ever had (which are less than ten...maybe five even.)
So this news of a break out floored me...
I ran downstairs and grabbed the oatmeal...my secret weapon.
I took it upstairs and rinsed my face off. Then I began to scrub my face with the oatmeal...(yes it works damn it!)
After a few good resolutions around my face, I left it on there to dry until it was time to finish it off with a good rinse.

I decided to go downstairs and have coffee...
When I was pouring myself a cup, I noticed that all the neighbors has their recycling out.
So I went on the back porch and began bagging mine up.
Forgetting that I had oatmeal STUCK ALL OVER MY FACE, I nonchalantly opened the front door and carried my recycling out to the front walk.
The skittish (now-not pregnant) neighbor was putting her baby in his car seat.
She stopped and looked at me...with that same fear in her eyes that she always has when she sees me.
I walked over and looked at the baby and made baby talk, complete with cooing and the whole "BOO BOO BOO" thing too.
I thought she would die of fright.
I noticed that she was turning white and if I hadn't known better, I'd have thought she was holding her breath.
Then I remembered the oatmeal stuck to my face.



"OH! THIS STUFF! It's a beauty thing...I'm old and you're not. You don't need it yet."

She just stared at me until I felt compelled to back away, into my yard and then turn and walk into the house.

She's so fucking WEIRD, you know?

Anyway, after I came in, I went upstairs and rinsed off the goo on my face. I felt better immediately and I think I looked much better too.

I undressed and briefly considered doing an inspection of the nudie parts but after I caught my breasts trying to look into my belly button (there's nothing to see in there girls)...I decided against it.
I just can't take the strain of it today....

I just took a shower instead.

Now I sit here, telling you all my take of woe and thinking of ways to punish Mr.Man for putting me through all of that.
I have a very busy day ahead of me.
I didn't have time for all this stress and inspection bullshit!

I'll have to think about it...

The word of the day will be 'movies'. Quite frankly, if I hear Veggie Stick ask me ONE MORE time if she can go to the 'movies' this weekend, I'll rip all the hair out of my head and then there won't be a hair bomb problem in the morning anymore! I've already told her it depends on whether she does anything to help me in the house this week and so far...nothing's happening.

Meh...my kids...a sobriety challenge every day I'm telling ya.

My mood for the day is this...



It's Elderly Hell day, so I am trapped at home. Plus Mr.Man pissed me off this morning...Then there's the five thousand things I need to accomplish before six this evening....GAH!

Why can't I spend the day laying around drunk? Huh? Tell me that, why don't you?