I'm not lazy...I've worked really hard at this and believe me...it hasn't been easy. I even had to take anti-depressants for six months during one 'almost' success and thought I would lost my mind.
It's been HELL!
Of course it's also been very important to me.I really thought I could make it work.And that's just because I'm a fucking retard.
No...really I am.
I put my heart and soul into it and almost 'wished' it into existence day after day.It became an obsession with me. I thought it was my 'destiny'. What a load of bullshit!
I would make some headway...but only briefly...then SLAM!
I'd run right into a brick wall...
Not a great way to get something moving, is it?
So...this dream of mine. It's shit. It's a torment more than it's a pleasure and I'm done with it.
Sometimes we need something to hit us in the fucking head and wake us up.
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Last night...I woke up...finally.
I came in from two different meetings I had for volunteer work and the house was a wreck again.
Now I ain't lying when I say that I'm not the best housekeeper in the world, but dammit, if I've spent an hour washing dishes before I leave to go somewhere, then I don't expect to spend another hour washing them when I return home three hours later.
I walked into the kitchen and there was three miles of dishes stacked in there...waiting for me.
If I didn't know better, I'd have thought that Attila the Hun and his posse has stopped over for dinner while I was gone.
Plates, spoons, cups, mixing bowls, pans...you name it...it was dirty.There was still food in things and half full glasses with pieces of bread and banana peels shoved into it.
Mr.Man stood there...fixing frozen waffles...(what? there was actually food left after the feeding frenzy?). He'd cleaned off a little section of the counter near the toaster and stood over his plate, staring at it.I walked by him and sighed.
That's all I did...I sighed.
He went BALLISTIC! He SMASHED his fist down on the plate and busted it into a million pieces. Then he proceeded to tell me how sick and tired he was of me complaining about the dishes not being done when I came in from doing things.
Then he stomped up the stairs and went to bed.
????
Okay...
As I cleaned up his tantrum, I contemplated a lot of things.
Do I complain too much? Too often? Do I need to stop volunteering and live in front of the television like he does?
All these questions and no answers...
So tell me....am I supposed to live my life to please others? Am I supposed to just sit around and wait on someone else to give me permission to speak or move or think?
There's no fucking way...I've tried that my ENTIRE life and I'm not doing it anymore. I have allowed the people I love to walk all over me repeatedly and I'm not going to allow it anymore!!!
How can someone profess to care about me and then act like I only exist to answer to their every beck and call?
DON'T SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO BUT YOU'D BETTER BE WAITING WHEN I FINALLY FEEL LIKE TALKING TO YOU!!!
FUCK THAT! (Fuck is not a bad word and if you click on the "FUCK THAT" you'll see for your self...plus it amuses me. So there.)
I stewed over everything as I cleaned up the kitchen.
I started thinking about my dream...the venture I thought would bring me some security and happiness and I realized that it wasn't going to happen. It's not going to happen because I can't do it alone and I don't have the support I need to make it work.
I just can't do it anymore.
I can't try to make it work anymore.
I can't keep lying to myself and telling myself that if I just try a little harder it will work.
It's not going to work...
Besides....if it did work out, who's to say that it would make me happy? Who's to say that I wouldn't be working myself to death? I think I've been living in a fantasy land with absolutely no basis in reality.
Personally I think that I would probably kill myself trying to keep this unrealistic dream going and in the end it would destroy me...(which it almost has already). It would destroy me emotionally, financially and kill my spirit.
It's not worth that. The price of this dream is too high for me.
So...I give up.
It's not exactly easy to just dump your dream like that.I feel tired and stupid now.I feel like I've wasted the past three years and made a fool of myself.
My only consolation is that not very many people know about it, so my failure will be relatively unknown.
Yep...failure...
but that's ok with me.
So now...I can get busy selling the marital aids, which they FINALLY got going for me after five kazillion snafus. I can probably find a lot of other things to keep me occupied as well.
What do I want to be when I grow up though?(And if one person says an exotic dancer or hooker, I'll beat their ass.)
ON a different note...I have decided that I hate George Strait songs...they're twangy and dumb and I can't stand to listen to any of them....ever again. I used to like him....really I did, but I'm deleting all of them off my Ipod and shit-pitching them out the door.
Sure George....the 'You're Something Special To Me'lyrics are just a bullshit line guys feed women to get into their pants!!! IMO...
I was recently talking to my mother who was telling me about the things she'd bought for my brother's kids. She said, "I found them at WalMart and they were cheap so I got them each-a-one.
That each-a-one phrase is common in northern Maine, but down here? Nope. Is it something that anyone else has heard before?
Then there's this other northern Maine phrase....
"I'm going to the store. Do you want to come with?"
I get shit all the time about that one. My friends will say, "With where?"...to which I will reply, "Do what?"...which is the saying for "What did you say?" here in West Virginia.
The kids in West Virginia have 'slicky slides' where-as the kids in Maine have 'slides'(no wonder the slides sucked in Maine...they weren't slicked up apparently...er...what do they use to slick them up I wonder?)
That entire paragraph has absolutely no relevance to the death of my dream, but hey...I'm writing whatever pops into my head.
On another note...I've decided that I need to try to stop swearing so much.
Yeah...I know it's a shocker but it's true.
I began this morning by saying the word "word" instead of fuck. So on the drive to school this morning the conversation I had with other drivers was more like this..."WHAT THE HELL...ER...CRAP ARE YOU DOING YOU STUPID WORD! QUIT DRIVING LIKE A WORDTARD AND GET IN YOUR OWN WORDING LANE, DUMBASS..UM...BUTT!
An improvement to say the least and I'm proud of myself.
So on that note...todays word will be "word"....take that however you'd like.
My mood is something like this....
I think I'll just hide out from all the stupid motherworders that have been pissing me off lately...and helping to kill my dreams...WORDERS!
Mr. Man is treading on some thin ice these days, huh?
ReplyDeleteThe Evil Twin used to grouse about the time I spent volunteering. Now, that I have the baby, I don't get asked to do much anymore (cause I'm not free during the day until she hits preschool - then I'll most likely be right back in the fray).
Reminds me of a tantrum my wife threw last week. Did he slam doors for effect as well?
ReplyDeleteIt seems if you're a spouse marriage sucks 90% of the time. One just hopes that the other 10% is off the scale happyness.
{{HUGS}} Seems to me that unless you ate everything on the plates that somebody else would see that they should help or at least that you need help. Sadly I've seen marriages where because the man "Works" 40 hours a week feels that the woman should do her chores 168 hours a week because she doesnt "Work". Never made much sense to me, but you know I'm crazy.
ReplyDeleteHey Tammie,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your lost dream, very tough thing giving up on something you've had your heart set on.
Hang in there, good luck with the party toy thing, as for the rest, they can all word off.
m.
There are many many capable people livign in your house, and if they can't clean the motherwording dishes then they can word themselves to wording death.
ReplyDeleteWorders.
No way do you need to deal with that. None.
For what it's worth, I get it. I get the frustration and such. Maybe, just MAYBE, it's time to dump the other shit that's wording up your life and start everything new.
Just....don't give up ALL the dream. Keep a piece of it to yourself if you can. You can lawyas keep working on it a little bit, right?
Ah, waitth a secth-und. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. Again. You are on a roll.
ReplyDeleteI used to have the dish washing problem, that's why I had kids. I groomed them for the job. Then, when they moved, why was that? I got a dishwasher, even though the dishes thinned out, so I could complain about the pain-in-the-fanny thing to load and unload.
My way of thinking is, it's shared work, not my/your work. That's how I was raised but seeing a woman have one baby was enough to convince me it was true.
I like a lot of women country singers, not one guy, won't listen to their nasily twang if you paid me.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Marriage. Now there's a word that deserves to have "word" applied to it. At least, that was my experience.
ReplyDeleteIt surely seems like your husband was a wee bit out of sorts last night. I hope that's not typical behavior, Tammie.
Don't hold back, girl, tell us how you really feel!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. It all sounds so familiar. I had a FT job, three sons, and a lazy ass husband who drove a school bus for a living (what's that 3-4 hours a day tops?). Not one of them lifted a finger to help me out at all. I shopped for the bacon, paid for the bacon, brought the bacon home, fried it up in a pan, served the bacon, and cleaned up after. My sons are grown now, I am divorced after 23 years of that shit and live 700+ miles away. Like you I thought I wasn't the best housekeeper, but guess what? IT WASN'T ME - I LIVED WITH INCONSIDERATE, SELFISH PIGS. So don't even beat yourself up about any of it. It's not you, it's them.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all...If I spent an hour before I left the house cleaning up the kitchen and dishes and whatnot and I came home and found that kind of fucking mess...I would be doing more than sighing. So NO you are NOT complaining too much. You are a wife/mother...not a fucking maid(i made up for you not swearing). That just totally pisses me off.
ReplyDeleteWhew...that got me worked up....partially misplaced emotions though I think.
Anyway, i'm dying to know what your dream was....oh the suspense is killing me!!!
When I was growing up, Mom used to ask for a dishwasher pretty regularly. Not really ask, more like wistfully say she'd love to have one. Dad's response was always to point at my sister and I and say, "I already gave you two dishwashers." And, he did. We had to take turns, but we were responsible for dishes every night. That started when I was 12 or 13. Never ended.
ReplyDeleteTo this day I loathe doing the motherwording dishes.
My guess is Mr. Man was already feeling guilty about not doing the mound of dishes that were dirties up in only 3 hours, knew he had no excuse for it, and got mad and left the room because he couldn't defend his actions. My second guess is: He would never admit that.
There have been quite a few dreams I've given up no because I found that they didn't bring me either joy or a sense of empowerment. I don't know what the dream you're giving up now is, but if it was meant to be you will find yourself back in it.
Honey, I'm so sorry for all your strife of late. It's tough, this marriage/kids/family thing. I was you in a previous lifetime, despising the "roles" we pretended were of some importance in the world order.
ReplyDeleteIt got better. It took a hell of a lot of work. And I gave up, more than once.
It did get better.
But it takes two.
You know what I mean?
For what it's worth Mr.Man came home and showered me with lovins.
ReplyDeleteWHAT THE WORD IS UP WITH THAT?
I think BuzzardBilly is right on the mark about the guilt thing too....
Hey WV Kay, nice to see you comment on here. I always enjoy your comments on Jeff's site...and thanks for the sympathy. It does sound like you know exactly what I'm talking about.
I'm going to bed early tonight...I'm wording tired...
Oh yeah...did anyone click on the FUCK THAT link?
ReplyDeleteI just watched that Fucking link and it was fucking hillarious. What the fuck was I thinking waiting so fucking long. Oh Fuck that was funny.
ReplyDeleteMan, you put up with some shit Blondie.
ReplyDelete