I dunno...it's all bleh...bleh...fart...bleh...

So here I am again.
I really don't have much to say and I've been laying around a lot but I thought to myself, "Self. What the hell are you planning to do? Sleep your life away? Eat until your ass won't fit through the doorway? Fuck your old man until he ends up in a wheelchair?"

Yep...I was handling things very well thank you very much.

What have I been up to since I last wrote in here...well...laying around sleeping. Covered that.
Eating myself silly...
Got that too...
Then there was the tension release.

Mr.Man came home from work last Thursday night. I felt like my skin was crawling. I just wanted to leap out of my body...I was THAT stressed.
So I told him, "Go upstairs and take your clothes off. Lay down on the bed and I'll be up in a minute."
Now mind you...I was joking because I HIGHLY doubted he'd allow such a thing to happen right after getting home from work, but imagine my delight when I walked upstairs and found him laying in his glorious nakedness, waiting for my molestations.

I rode him like a camel running through a sand storm.



( I fed him dinner in bed, mainly because he couldn't get up..poor thing.)

But ANYWAY...after I took out my nervousness on him, I had to run to GoMart and pick up some soda.
I walked in and Dustin was working. He is a friend of mine and the same guy who witnessed me farting on the man who was in line behind me..(I'm sure you read about that in an earlier post.)
I walked through the store and bought a lottery ticket, which I never do but felt the urge so I did, then I made my way over to check out the Atomic Fire Balls (my favorites) and picked up a bag of chips, then set it down again. I can't have chips...high blood pressure you know.
I got in line behind a woman wearing a big ass parka, and waited.
As I shifted from side to side...I suddenly felt something bubbling up inside me....but no...it wasn't a fart.

I QUEEFED!

Dustin just shook his head and laughed. It sounded VERY WET and trust me...it was LOUD.

Thankfully I was not ashamed or embarrassed by my gigantic queef....there is nothing to be ashamed of...

I like to think of it as a "vaginal fart"...

If all women were as lucky as me...to be able to queef AND fart with zeal!

Let's make queef the word of the day. I doubt I can get anyone with it, but you never know. It's not like it's a common word or anything but maybe I can trick someone into saying it...

I had to take a trip out of town this weekend.
Into Ohio in fact...near Dayton.
We almost wrecked because of the ice storm Friday night. After managing NOT to slide off the road we got to spend two lovely hours at a T&A truck stop waiting for ice trucks to salt the roads.

When I walked in it looked like the kind of place you'd go to get yourself a drink of Old Turkey and a farmer for the night.



Compared to some of the other 'ladies' in the place, I looked like a goddess. And this was after three hours sitting in a car with the seat sucked up my ass.
I felt pretty...

So....being forced to wait, I did what any respectable woman would do....

I belched...

I farted...

I picked my jeans out of my ass...

"There", I thought. "That should keep them away."

WRONG!!!

APPARENTLY...(and I can't help but think of my friend Judy K when I say that word)...belching, farting and picking at the ass of your jeans are all part of the drunken farmer mating rituals and I was in shit creek.

I hid in the ladies rest room...



Damn good thing my daughter was riding on the bus and I didn't have to worry about her being subjected to "Horny Drunk Farmers at the T&A"...

ON the bright side of things...I discovered that I have a birth mark on my thigh I didn't know about before that looks like a chicken leg and if you connect the beauty marks on my arm together with a pen, it looks like the Big Dipper constellation.

So...with that little piece of information, I think I'm going to stop...for now.

Did anyone miss me?

I REALLY missed everyone here. I spent a little while this morning getting caught up on my blog roll over there on the side. Funny thing about it is...I didn't really know what to comment anywhere.

Guess I'm still in a funk...just a little bit.

Perhaps a little more queefing and I'll be back to normal (normal?) in no time...

This is my mood today...



I'm feeling better I think...coming out of my shell again.

Can you handle it?