Tuesday...The Elderly Hell Fest

I dreaded the thought of it, but I was forced to go to Krogers today.
I normally avoid shopping on Senior Citizen Discount day, but today there was no other option open to me. So I drank half a fifth of vodka in preparation for my trip and made my ten year old drive me over to the store.
Umm...no. I didn't really do that. But IF I thought I could get away with it, that's how I'd do it. It's just such a horrible experience for me that I wish I could go through with it while unconscious.

The horror began on the way to the store. There was an elderly couple in front of me, driving a car bigger than a transport plane. They barely managed to keep it in the right lane and at the breakneck speed of 10, the car was swerving in and out of the lines. I kept my distance, that is, until a car approached from behind, driven, I'm assuming, by an elderly lady. I'm not sure who was behind the wheel because all I could see was white hair,teased and curled up to about a foot high,and two little hands grasping the steering wheel.
So it was either a short old lady with big hair or a kindergartner dressed in a Marie Antoinette costume.
Anyhow,regardless of who it was, I was forced to pull up closer to the car in front of me. The car behind me was probably close enough to my bumper to keep a blade of grass from passing between them.
At the stop light, the driver of the car ahead of me almost went right on through a red light. He stopped at the last minute, after a blow to the head from the passengers purse. And believe me...I've been hit with one of those purses before. Little old lady purses are just as lethal as wrecking balls. I was surprised not to see blood gushing out of his head. Plus he was still sitting upright. Of course, as fast as he was going and the way he was driving prior to that, he could have been dead or sleeping the entire time and I doubt I'd have known the difference.
I braced myself for an impact from behind, but surprisingly it didn't happen. Apparently the old bird had better reflexes than I expected. So I looked in the rear view and noticed the hair had disappeared.
"Oh God", I thought to myself. "She's had a stroke. She must have slid down in her seat and stepped on the brake accidentally."
But thankfully, no, she didn't have a stroke. I saw the hair pop back up and the little hands grasp the steering wheel once again. Hmm...I'm not sure if I was imagining things or not, but I could swear I heard her rev her engine. I think my mind was playing tricks on me.
Ahead of me, the light turned green and another blow to the head from the purse caused the driver to accelerate. Off we went once again.

Now normally a trip to the grocery store from my house takes less than five minutes. It took me half an hour today.
It was hell, I tell you...hell.
Speaking of hell, we'll get to that part soon enough.

We all pull into the parking lot at the same time. Me, the old couple in the transport plane car and big hair, who was behind us.
Big hair and I took mere seconds to park our cars. Mine was where it should be...but big hair's was half in one parking spot, half way out in the driving lane and sideways. She didn't seem terribly concerned as she slid out of the seat of her car.She didn't even look back at the vehicle as she walked toward the store.
Her hair was teased up and curled. It probably consisted of half her height. She was short, not much bigger than the purse she carried and wore a t-shirt with a picture of Elvis on it. Not the young skinny Elvis either. The older, fatter version of Elvis. Her pants were too long for her little frame so I couldn't tell if she was even wearing shoes or not, but for the sake of argument, I'll assume she was.
I followed her into the store, looking back at the couple who was still trying to park the car. Thankfully they were parking,(trying to park) closer to the Dollar Store than to the grocery store.FAR AWAY from my car.

I wandered into the store and almost instant had a panic attack.The site of so many mean looking grannies behind shopping carts of death..it was too much for me. It may seem like a shopping cart when you go into the store, but place a granny behind it, carrying a big purse and looking like someone stuck something up her ass permanently and it becomes a mass weapon of destruction.
I've been run over so many shopping carts I've put in a patent on a suit of armor just for me to wear to Krogers on Tuesdays.
I made my way cautiously through the store,hoping I'd remain unmolested by anyone and hoped I'd make it out of the store without an incident.
No such luck.
Just as I left with my groceries, the couple in the transport plane car were walking in.
"There she is!" I heard the woman say.
"HUH?" said the man with her.
"I SAID, THERE SHE IS." repeated the old lady.
I had a sick feeling in my stomach and knew, just knew, that somehow I'd managed to piss her off.
"YOU!" she said, pointing her little twisted finger at me. "You are a hazard on the road! You upset us the entire trip from our house to the parking lot here! You are a menace on the road! You shouldn't be allowed to drive!!!"
I stood with my mouth open, staring in disbelief.
"Look lady, "I said, "I wasn't doing anything wrong. I kept my distance and I wasn't speeding. The speed limit is 25 and we were only going 10."
"DON'T SASS ME!!" she screamed! YOU WERE RIGHT ON OUR BUMPER! YOU MADE MY POOR HAROLD NERVOUS! YOU ARE AN EVIL GIRL!"
(I'm a girl? Ha...gee,whoda thunk it?)
"Whatever lady."
"YOU STOP YOUR SASSING!HAROLD, DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE SAID TO ME?"
"Huh?"
At this point she started to look red in the face. I decided I didn't want to be in the middle of things if she dropped dead. So I left.

Listen...I don't dislike old people. Hell..I'm almost an old person myself. It's just that I attract this irrational old people hate. Old white lady hate to be more specific. I'm just tired of it. I wanted to tell the old sack of guts to bite me but I didn't. I controlled myself and left before I kicked her polyestered ass. I didn't do anything wrong. I was just trying to get to the grocery store and back home again.

God I hate Tuesdays....