I'm not even kidding.
In fact they adore me.
Here is proof...The Kroger people love me...
I believe that they enjoy my company AND they enjoy the show. I always manage to attract some kind of weirdo or bitch or freaked out ancient whack-job.
It makes for some interesting viewing. It's like having HBO at work.
I have experienced many things at Krogers.
That's where Shorty Long Tits accosted me this week. And just so you know, I think she might want to share some taco love with the old Goddess here. The commenters from yesterday seem to think that maybe she likes me...*wink*.
I think she's so obsessed with my hair because she wants to wrap it around those long stretched out titties...
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
I'm just grateful that my boobs are not huge or stretched out. Can you imagine how hard that would make it for me to get my Shake and Bake business off the ground?
I would come home from a cooking lesson and this would be the conversation between Mr.Man and I...
Me: I was really pleased with today's lesson. I managed to fry bacon and I didn't even spatter hot grease on my nipples. Do you know how hard that is to do?
Mr.Man: What is that stuff on your nipple?
Me:*Lick Lick Lick* It's Hollandaise sauce.
"WHAT??? I like Hollandaise sauce ok???"
The Shake and Bake business venture is winning over there on the side in the poll...just thought you might want to know.
"I am your Instructor, the Blonde Goddess. Today we will make a clam dip and serve it on a kielbasa."
That's not really going to happen.
Clam dip and Kielbasa's would just taste nasty together...
This is random but I have to ask...
Does anyone else think that Amy Winehouse looks like she has a scared cat on her head?
This is normally a look that southern baptist ladies over the age of 75 prefer. Is Amy Winehouse a Baptist?!?!
Holy shit! You learn something new every day.
I'm getting ready to go out of town for another fun filled weekend of Spandex Hell!
"If I stay intoxicated I can probably tolerate it."
I'm planning to drink vodka in orange juice on the three and a half hour drive there. As long as they don't drag me across the parking lot on my face to get me into the hotel, I don't care what they do.
I've already safety pinned my underwear to my clothes to prevent anything from ripping off my body on the concrete.
You're not dealing with a first timer here....I've done this kind of thing before.
I just hope no one gives me any shit about bringing my own drinking bottle with me...
I just figured that bringing my own bottle would help me not draw attention to the fact that I'm sneaking alcohol.
Wish me luck. I'll be dealing with the fat bitches and trying to keep from coughing and pissing myself. I'm not sure how I'm going to manage but I suppose being drunk will help me cope.
Have a good weekend.
I'll fill you in on mine bright and early Monday morning....
Intoxication cures most everything.
ReplyDeleteHave fun ;)
OMG, I DOOOOO think that is a scared cat on her head. That cracked me up! I think Starbucks came outta my nose. My boss keeps looking at me and wondering why I can't stop laughing. I am so gonnna get fired. You are worth it.
ReplyDeleteGood choice. They won't be able to smell the booze on your breath.
ReplyDeleteHave an intoxicating weekend! Try not to brush burn your tits when you fall! I always hate when that happens!
ReplyDeleteOh, and could you pick me up one of those drinking bottles?
Amy Wino-house needs to brush that hair over her eyes and she's Cousin It.
ReplyDeleteThat sippy cup sure is....something.
ReplyDeleteTo freakin' big to just be a cat. I think it must be a baby Wookie.
ReplyDeletePROTIP: Gin, vodka, Everclear, and moonshine all look like water in your beverage container. Which one do you think you're going to get the best effect from?
God, how I love you!
ReplyDeleteAmy Winehouse hair always reminds me of the 1999 Craig Ferguson movie called "The Big Tease" about a hair dressing contest. The trailer is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=262BFgClbkA
I keep expecting her hair to open up and a tiny kilted Scot to rise from within the hive to the sound of "Scotland the Brave." Seriously, if you haven't seen the movie, you should. It's hilarious. Whole thing may even be on YouTube.
One coughing and pissing, there are only two words to say: Poise pads. Go for the Ultra. It covers from navel to upper ass cleavage, pretty much, but there can be no overflow. Warning: Do not step into the ocean whilst wearing one. It will dry up everyone's day at the beach.
:)
PS: I used to have a bottle like that, but mine had a man permanently stuck to the bottom end of it. Couldn't even put it in the dishwasher because of him.
ReplyDeleteYou kill me.....so damn funny
ReplyDeleteHahaha have a vodka for me too k ?
ReplyDeleteYou know, I only voted in favor of the topless shake and bake lessons over the streetside prostitution because you live so far away from me. I know this information is not helpful to you in any way, shape or form, but I feel compelled to tell it to you anyway.
ReplyDeleteWhy is that?
Oh, NOW I remember the actual reason I was leaving a comment - Amy Winehouse!
ReplyDeleteAmy isn't a Baptist. She's actually a Reform Jew of the Temple Heroin.
Shaloooooh yeah that's good stuff!
Well, I can see that since I share your cough/sneeze/pee issue, I'm going to have to take a pre-emptive pee before reading your posts, otherwise, the little panty liner isn't going to handle it.
ReplyDeleteAmy Winehouse...now ther's a real whack job!!! Unlike we, the intelligent women of the world.
ReplyDeleteYou are hilarious.
ReplyDeleteAmy Winehouse needs to eat a big steak.
ReplyDeleteA baby Wookie, bwahahahahahaha!!! She seriously needs food. Just say no, Amy!
ReplyDeleteI would have cracked up at the "sippy cup" but my 12 year old was beside of me. I think he walked away either perplexed or disgusted.
I've tagged you for a meme you Goddessy Goddess you.
ReplyDeleteIsn't Amy Winehouse only like 30 or something? The poor woman looks 60! Bad hair and drugs can do that.
ReplyDeleteCan I just tell you how glad I am to see you back in the Blogosphere?
ReplyDeleteOkay then, I'm really glad you're back.
Although, the number of times I've peed in my pants has risen dramatically.