Hmmm...
Yeah, you dumb cunts. I collect men. I have a Man Ranch and let me tell you, they are oh so willing to come live with me there....
WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH PEOPLE???
I am not some temptress out to seduce every man on the goddamn planet.
These women need to get a life.
First of all, I am a klutz.
It's hard to be sexy when you're flipping over things and bouncing your head off the ground.
Pole dancing?
I would be wearing a helmet.
I'm not even kidding...
Walking in high heels is always life threatening. I try to do it only on carpeted surfaces. I have no desire to kill myself.
Nothing hurt here, except my pride maybe.
Believe me...there is nothing sexy about any of it.
Yes...I enjoy sex but so what? That doesn't mean I'm after your man or anyone else's. I have a man and as long as he doesn't learn how to get out of his restraints, you have nothing to worry about.
Just because I'm horny all the time , doesn't mean I'm some kind of monster or something...
A lot of people are horny. Why pick on me?
I guess I should try to look at it from their point of view.
If I saw a farting, belching, beer drinking woman, making dirty jokes and swearing like a sailor while digging in her pants who was standing next to MY MAN, I'd be threatened too!!!
"BURRRPPP! Yes you stupid mother fuckers! All this beer is for me so shut the hell up! Quick! Let me set these down so you can pull my finger!I feel a juicy one coming on!"
See how fucking ridiculous you dumb bitches are being?
Speaking of bitches...
Last night I attracted a little nastiness.. (there's a shocker for you.)
I honestly don't know what this woman's problem is, but she's never liked me.
I have tried to be nice to her but she's never warmed up to me.
She's made many snide comments about my perfect hair,and she's made comments about my figure and how I dress...things like that. It makes me feel stupid because I really don't put much effort into what I look like. I'm just kind of thrown together. I try to be comfortable...
She just makes me feel like I'm being scrutinized every time she's around me.
Anyway...I have always complimented her when I see her. I might comment on how nice a certain color looks on her or how pretty her eyes are.I've made comments about how much I love her dark curly hair...you know? I am just the kind of person who compliments people.
SHUT UP! I CAN BE NICE TO OTHER PEOPLE SOMETIMES!
Mr.Man thinks she is jealous or intimidated by me, but I don't know...
I mean, I know I am outgoing and she is more shy and introverted. I'm taller than her and considering that I'm only 5'5, she is pretty short.
While I am not thin, (not by a long shot) she is built kind of dumpy with HUGE breasts.
Not this kind of huge breasts...
They are more like this...
Hmmm...yeah...
So anyway, I ran into this woman at Krogers last night. She saw me and made a bee-line right for me.
Shorty Long Tits: Hello. How have you been?
Me: Fine. And you?
Shorty Long Tits: Oh I've been so busy. There's hardly time for anything. I wish I had time to fix my hair like you do.
Me:(what the fuck is her obsession with my hair?) It takes me ten minutes...honest. Besides, you're hair is so pretty. You really have nothing to worry about.
Shorty Long Tits: Well, I guess when I get to be your age I'll have to make more time to fix myself up. You really look good for a 50 year old.
Me: * Blink. Blink*
Shorty Long Tits: When I'm old like you I hope I look that good.
Me: (Recovering my senses) Well thank you so much...(delivered with a syrupy sweet voice). Actually I am 59 and you just paid me a compliment. You're so sweet.
Shorty Long Tits:(Stands there with a sour look on her face because she didn't manage to upset me which is obviously what she wanted to do.)
Me: Well, I have to go.It was so nice seeing you again. make sure to be careful not to run over your nipples with the shopping cart like the last time you were in here. The Kroger people are still talking about it.Good-Bye!
Yeah...old Shorty Long Tits didn't like THAT comment. Fucking bitch. She actually went out of her way to be hateful. She knows how old I am because she is two years older than me. We've talked about it before.
I don't care how old she or anyone else thinks I am.
I don't even care about what people think I look like.
It just pissed me off that Shorty Long Tits went out of her way to try to piss me off.
What's the fucking point in that?
Can't people stop fucking with me and leave me alone?
They're going to push me too far one of these days and I'm going to end up in jail.
Be sure to come visit...
Should we start collecting bail money? That would make me homicidal too! Some women are just insecure and need to get a f'n life.
ReplyDeleteOMG! How did you get that picture of me in the hot tub???
ReplyDeleteLMFAO!
Some people need to just grow the F*&k up. I swear, it feels like high school and I hated frickin high school.
That was very hateful of her, I think you should send strange people to her home and have them ask to borrow things like maybe some cheese. Every couple of minutes. Until she breaks from the stress of answering the door and wondering what they are going to want next.
Yeah.
The "horny" picture creeps me out but the one above it? VA VA VAVOOM!
ReplyDeleteHeh. Running over her own nipples.
ReplyDeleteNext time, ask her if she can get you a discount on Keebler stuff from the other elves.
Other women anre threatened by your because you're the kind of woman men LIKE, instead of thsoe snooty uptight beaches they're married to....
ReplyDeleteAnd is that last pic from 'dead like me'? LOVE that show.
They hate you because you live your life by your own rules. You have self confidence and you don't feel the need to pick other people to pieces so you can feel better about who you are.
ReplyDeleteYou're genuine.
That's refreshing.
ugh . . . yeah she sounds jealous.
ReplyDeleteIsn't there an expression about flies being drawn to honey? Maybe that's why she makes a beeline for you every time she sees you.
Trish aka Mrs. Wally: Start saving bail money. I feel a little more violent and a little less agreeable every time I have to deal with these stupid bitches.
ReplyDeleteBobby's Dream: Where else am I going to get my porn? I am forced to spy on my blog commenter's and take dirty pics of them. That way the Jesus Police can't document all of my naughty girl habits.
Dr.Zibbs: I forgot to thank you for pulling my panties back up AFTER I fell down in my high heels and you molested me. It would have been a much more embarrassing picture with my panties around my ankles.
Tiff: I read your blog post from yesterday and I've never felt closer to you. Having sex with yourself AND dreaming about lesbian sex? My god woman...we are twins.
(That is from Dead Like Me...love that show)
Dave: Do Keebler Elves have nipples?
Anonymous: Am I refreshing like a six pack of beer OR a bottle of vodka straight out of the freezer?
Trish: I think you might be on to something. So you think they want me, right? I KNEW IT!
Of course my honey pot don't come cheap...they HAD better have money with them when they come sniffing around.
Some people are intimidated by fun, pretty, put together women. I have no idea why.
ReplyDeleteThey are intimidated by you because they know you're outspoken and intelligent and fun and you keep your man happy in the place they fear...The BEDROOM. They know you give your man what they don't give theirs. They know that they are not the woman their husbands want to come home to. Just don't get yourself thrown in jail. The women in jail are NOT the ones you wanna live out those fantasies with. Most of them, anyway.
ReplyDeleteTake Care
FMD
Let us know when the Youtube video of you two having the catfight is up.
ReplyDeleteLong tits or not, a boob is still a boob.
Fu Manchu Dad: You're right about the jail thing. I am certainly a fan of the dick and them women just aren't going to make me happy...
ReplyDeleteMoog: Long boobies are a hazard. That bitch could stand a good three yards away from me and pummel me to death with her tits. I guess if I could get a hold of them I could probably tie them around a shopping cart handle. It just makes my stomach a little queasy at the thought of getting a long stretched out tittie anywhere near my mouth. GACK!
I totally know how she feels, I mean, remember our first meeting? I couldn't take my eyes off of you! I think she has a girl-crush or she's just more envious than a green-eyed snake.
ReplyDeleteYou're refreshing as a bottle of Patron out of the freezer babe!
You said the word masturbate. I say that word around here and my adult children (right) go all hinky. Get a grip kids - no one to apologize or kiss up to. You go girl!
ReplyDeleteYou know, your photo of you crashed on the floor to demonstrate how clumsy you are, combined with your remarks about farting, burping, cursing, and drinking a lot, reminds me of someone, a girl I fell in love with once.
ReplyDeleteI think I may be forced to stalk you. Yep. I might even go so far as to add you to my blogroll. I know, creepy right?
Mmm, your perfume smells just like pepper spray.
Dude. Some people are in dire need of getting over themselves.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the rest of 'em. Bail money is being saved. D'ya reckon the Magistrate will accept 5 gallon jugs full of pennies?
She's a jealous dipshit! I've had it happen to me too. Did you catch her looking you up and down while she was talking to you?? They usually do that too. It always makes me feel like yelling.. HELLO! I CAN SEE YOU!
ReplyDeleteSee, I thought you were trying to seduce my wife.
ReplyDeleteInanna: You have a girl crush on me? And I thought it was just my freakishly long tongue. Wow.
ReplyDeletethemom: If it weren't for masturbation I'd be in an institution. I kind of consider it my own form of therapy.
Memphis Steve: Like you're the first stalker I've ever had...please...
rennratt: I have heard that the magistrates around here like jugs, so maybe a jug full of pennies will work. If not you'll have to flash em your jugs.
The Daily Gripe: Now that you mention it, she did stare at my mouth a lot...and my hands...and my breasts...is she a lesbian?
Malach: I've had your wife already. This is why she enjoys your visits "down there" so damn much now. You're welcome...
You seriously need to be the focus of a reality show. I'm thinking just your visits to Kroger would be good for several months worth of footage. And they would need to have one of those special flying cameras so it could zoom in on the look on that lady's face when you warned her about running over her nipples with the shopping cart. Good times!
ReplyDelete