Death! Death! Death!

The flu has descended upon me like a plague.
I slept through 14 phone calls yesterday in spite of my cell phone laying two inches away from my head.
I have drank my weight in water and then some and I still feel like a shriveled up prune.
The bathroom floor is the only place that looks inviting to me right now...a nice cool floor with easy access to the shitter.
Nice..
I feel like I'm dying and I'm praying for a speedy recovery or a quick and painless death.

Oh yeah. I almost forgot the best part. If I have to wipe my ass one more time I'm going to cry hysterically.
Mr.Man had the bright idea to buy Scott toilet paper.
He said it lasts longer than the other toilet paper we have purchased in the past.



Maybe he buys it to get the free cat in every package?
(stick with me here...I am sick and heavily medicated.)

Yeah, so he bought the cheap toilet paper. You know..the kind that you can sand furniture with.
So in order to save everyone else's tender assholes, I went out and bought some of the "good stuff" and hid it under the sink. Everyone in the house EXCEPT for Mr.Man uses the good stuff which in turn leads him to believe that this Scott toilet paper is the shit because it lasts so long.
(Yes, we have all had a good laugh about this at his expense but we aren't the ones with sore, bleeding assholes either.)
Ok...so I think I'm trying to make a point here...oh yeah...now that I'm sick and I can't get out to the grocery store, I am forced to use this horrid toilet paper and my ass feels like it's been rubbed down with baby oil and sunburned to a crispy crisp.
When I feel the urge to shit I start to shake and cry in anticipation of having to wipe my ass with the tortuous toilet paper.
It's fucking hell I'm telling you.
It's days like this that a person would honestly ask themselves why they never invested in a Bidet.

Ahh...that sure would feel good on my inflamed asshole...

Luckily I have not been puking.I am only being tormented with some of the flu symptoms such as...

*Fever...102 degrees mind you...(when I get sick I do it up right ok?)I set a tissue on fire this morning when it dropped in my cleavage.

*The screaming,speed racer, "it will take less than five minutes for anything you put in your body to come squirting back out again" shits.

*Coughing... The kind where you hack out a lung, swallow it back and then piss yourself for good measure before breaking several of your ribs. And of course the coughing keeps the good old headache throbbing.

*Headache...The headache is the most annoying thing next to the sore asshole. I feel like there are elves..like the little elves in that story about the shoemaker..and they are pounding on the backs of my eyeballs. And just because that isn't enough, a few of them are trying to stretch the skin from the back of my neck up over the top of my head. It's a special, special feeling.

*And of course there is the ache. The achy ache that spreads all over your body and feels like it must have felt to be stoned to death in biblical times.


There's nothing like having the flu to get in touch with your "inner dirty whore self", ok?

That's all I've got for today people. I'm amazed I managed to get this much out. I am honestly feeling like major crapola.
I can only hope that none of you get this garbage flu bug and you can maintain your normal routine of drinking and debauchery.

I'm going to lie down on the bathroom floor now and resume my misery...


I shall return.....