I could crack nuts with my vagina....

ON Sunday I did my grocery shopping. It was partially because I needed food but mostly because I refuse to go out on Elderly Hell days anymore. Those fucking old bats live to torment me and I'll be damned if anyone is going to win the gift card to Ryans and year's supply of horehound candy this week!


"Once they realized the Blonde Goddess couldn't be lured out of her house on Tuesdays, Mildred and Walter bought a Wii."

That'll teach them damn old broads....
I bet the whole nursing home is in an uproar.

"I haven't seen riots like this since they put childproof caps on medication."

Yeah...well anyway, as I was saying before I got distracted, I went shopping on Sunday. I wrote out a grocery list (which took me a good hour or more) and then I forgot the damn thing on the kitchen counter.
Yep...
That's typical me. I thought about going back home to get it but I said fuck it and tried to remember what I needed instead. I was at Krogers for a good hour and a half "trying to remember" what the hell I needed.

It went pretty good in the produce section, I mean, there are just certain things I buy every week and I KNOW I need...



Then there are the basics like bread and milk and cereal, eggs, cheese etc....
I had that all covered.
I thought about the menu I had planned out and got the stuff I'd need for that.
Honestly I was feeling pretty pleased with myself.
Then I took a moment to be alone in the pharmacy section...


Sometimes things get itchy damnit!

That's when I met the man responsible for my misery today...

He was standing there in the antacid section, looking confused and like he needed help so being the kind of person I am, I started to run like hell before he could stop me and ask me to help him.
I didn't make it.

"Excuse me miss," he twanged at me. "Do you know anything about taking this stuff? Cause I have high blood pressure and I don't know what I can take."

I looked him over...
He didn't seem like a freak or psycho.

"I don't know if I can help you, "I said. "I don't get heartburn and I've never taken anything like that before. You might want to ask the pharmacist."

Then I started to walk away...

He stopped me and shoved four or five boxes in my arms.
"Can't you just read the labels and see what they say?" he begged.

WTF?



I DON'T WANT TO READ THE FUCKING LABELS!

I read the labels for him anyway...even though I DIDN'T want to do it.

After a good ten minutes or so of trying to read labels and listen to him blather on and on about not understanding why he has high blood pressure in the first place and how his mama thinks his doctor is a quack, I finally spoke.

"What kind of food do you eat?"

"Well I'm a meat and potatoes kind of man. I eat breakfast at Tudors EVERY morning too," he announced proudly, puffing his chest out as he said it.

"And I drink a lot of beer. I'm a real man's man."



"I can't imagine why you'd have high blood pressure," I said, and handed him back the boxes.

"I guess I'll just go ask the pharmacist," he said. "Besides, I'm still taking medicine for this flu I have."

Great!
Just fucking wonderful!
That retard smeared his flu infested hands all over those boxes and then I touched them.
So today, thanks to that cocksucker, I have the flu and I feel like shit.
My throat and chest feel like I've been swallowing fire and I ache all over.
Basically I feel like a turd that someone shit out of them, stepped in with their shoe, wore around all day long on the bottom of it and then smeared off on a crack in the sidewalk...


You find some weird things on google image search, you know?

That's all I have for you today.
I'm sick and I'm going to lay down and rest in a heavily medicated state. I'm just thankful that I'm not sneezing. I've reached that age where I pee a little every time I sneeze.
It fucking sucks.
No amount of Kegels will help it either.
I could literally crack nuts open with my vaginal muscles but I STILL fucking pee a little when I sneeze.


Lying Bastards!

See you tomorrow if I survive the day...bleh!