"IM NOT CRAZY!"
Of course it got me thinking and I began to think about what kind of shrink I'd have to find to take care of me.
It would definitely have to be a "SUPER SHRINK!"
Think about it...
If I were to sit down and summarize myself in the first hour, this is what I would say...
I am a wife and mother.
I have four kids.
Oh yeah...all their little friends live with us most of the time, attaching themselves to my house like a flea infestation...
They love me but they're all ungrateful.The two youngest daughters plot against my sanity on a daily basis.
"I hid all the batteries!"
My husband loves his musket collection more than he loves me and I have to trap and restrain him for sex.
"Honey,take the handcuffs off. I think you gave me a concussion when you tackled me."
My neighbors are afraid of me and every church in town has me on their prayer list.
"Lord, smite that Blonde vixen and rid our town of that hellspawn!"
The old women in my town have a secret sect that I call the "Elderly Hellions".
They live to torment me and offer prizes to the best tormentors of the week.
I am in fights with old ladies on a weekly basis.
"Bring it on Blondie! I will beat your sorry ass with my MawMaw purse of death!"
I like to be naked and I have sex with myself to de-stress.
I would die without my massaging shower head...
When my boobs get depressed I let them drive the car because it seems to cheer them up.
"Just taking the gals out for a drive to cheer them up!"
I drink before five on Sundays.
I hide my alcohol in old perfume bottles...
I fart on people in public places and I've been known to run a cell phone or two through the crack of my ass, just like a card through an ATM machine.
For those of you who are still afraid to fart in public, perhaps this book might help?
There are three fat bitches who's main goal in life is to torment me and I'm NOT being paranoid.(maybe they're being paid by the Elderly Hellions?)
BITCHES!
I have accidentally boob flashed at least a dozen people in the last year and YES THEY WERE ALL ACCIDENTAL!
See? It doesn't just happen to me...
I attract weirdos. All the freaks in the universe have an inner homing device with my coordinates implanted in their brains.
"The Blonde Goddess is near...let's wait for her in the underwear isle."
(Did I already mention that I'm not paranoid?)
Can you IMAGINE the dollar signs that will pop into "Super Shrinker's" eyes when I tell all of THAT stuff about me?
Gosh...am I forgetting anything? You people read this thing. Did I get all the important stuff or am I missing something?
Well anyway, you think about it and let me know. I mean, if I'm going to go to a Super Shrink I'm going to need to make sure I give all the information needed to help me, right?
I'll see you Monday...
You forgot to mention that you queefed in a checkout line once. Other than that it was pretty accurate. You sounded sane to me.
ReplyDeleteI'll bet you dollars to donuts that just one hour sitting in my shrink's waiting room would prove to you beyond all shadow of doubt that you are not insane: You are dealing with too much stress.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what helps me feel better about my, er, peculiar condition: mingling with the other waiting patients or the actual time with the doc.
I don't know where my head's been, but I just now saw the ghost post. I'm commenting here because I know you don't usually go back days later. If you really want to hunt "Ghost Friend," Grasshopper and I have the stuff. Matter of fact we have a new gadget we're just dying to try. Most likely, "Ghost Friend" isn't something to worry about since he hasn't caused any problems. Lemme know.
ReplyDeleteI marvel at the variety of photos you have here, and most of them so very funny. Thanks for going to the trouble to entertain us so well.
ReplyDeleteYeah, your crazy. Malach just diagosed you.
ReplyDeleteBEHOLD THE POWER OF MALACH
If you boob flash enough people I hear they eventually start to pay you.
ReplyDeleteNot crazy. Everyone ELSE though, needs a probing!
ReplyDeleteApart of the drinking and farting in public, and 3 kids more..it could be my description..so,don't worry, I think you are normal..or..we both need a shrink..
ReplyDeleteI think you summed it up quite nicely. And if you are crazy what in the hell does that make me? Save your money. Drink more. That's my philosophy anyways!
ReplyDeleteYou seem fine to me. Have another drink.
ReplyDeletelol!!!!
ReplyDeletereally funny...hope you wash ur shower head! ha ha
http://2009housewife.blogspot.com/
lisa x
LOL!! oh boy, i know what you mean about the two daughters that plot against your sanity. what IS that evil shit all about anyway with the female off-springs?! has a book been written to explore this wicked crap on the females that spring from our very own loins?! all we can hope for is grandchildren that avenge us!
ReplyDelete(speaking like a China Man): You cwazy"
ReplyDeleteYou are not crazy.
ReplyDeleteYou forgot to mention that you dance naked in your back yard.
You also forgot to note that you hate Sunday mornings on good days, because you can't drink coffee on your front porch/read the paper w/o being judged by the churchy folks.
Where am I when the boob flashing goes on??????????
ReplyDeleteThat little GhostFriend is probably stuck here and won't go into the light because of all the entertainment in your house.
ReplyDeleteThink about it. A farting drunk lady whose boobs flop out from time to time, constantly assaulting herself with mechanical devices or the shower head in his bedroom. What normal little boy would go into the light when there is this much entertainment at home?
Hell, HBO couldn't compete.
Gabba gabba hey, you rock!
ReplyDeleteGoing back to yesterday's blog "Ghost Friend", I love this stuff. The Bread Beast actually called Ghost Hunters and presented me with and EMF, EVP, and other ghost hunting equipment, including a roll of toilet paper in case I actually did see a ghost.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we should call "Ghost Hunter's" or Paranormal State!
Bye the way, love the names.
OK,... so I got the wardrobe malfunction... What about the Ghost?
ReplyDeleteWant to know more. Along with dozens of your other slaves, er followers here.
After comparing your list to my list, I can safely say you didn't miss anything. And if you/I did, who would notice?
ReplyDeleteThis is why I think you're hysterical. Great post, and by the way, I think we're related!
ReplyDeleteLMMFAO at Dave!! The man do have a point.
ReplyDeleteAll of this fantastic female nudity has completely distracted me. I don't know what the hell I was going to say, so instead I'm just going to say 'thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the naked chick pics!'
ReplyDeleteUmm, doesn't the middle person in the black and white photo in this post look hauntingly like 'Pee-Wee Herman'?
ReplyDelete'She's a funny one isn't she Cowboy Curtis?'