I've purged the cupboards and I'm rearranging all the stupid shit I have that I have no idea where I got.
I NEVER shop for new kitchen stuff, yet I manage to accumulate new stuff all the time.
Are my children stealing kitchen stuff from their friend's houses?
Nah...
It's my mother.
Old Flaky insists that I'm living in filth and I have caveman appliances, so she buys me new shit when she visits. Plus she ALWAYS packs new dish towels and dish clothes in every single thing she mails me...it's weird.
Honestly my kitchen needs are simple...
Of course I do need to make sure I have room for the "essentials" so I'm forced to clean...once in awhile.
I have plastic containers that match absolutely nothing else in my kitchen. So I'm throwing it all out.
Veggie Stick came down and made vegetable soup for her lunch.
When she was cleaning up, she asked me for a container to put her left over soup in.
I simply stated to her, "We have no more plastic containers."
Well, you'd think that I'd just told her the Jonas brothers all had been abducted by aliens.
She flipped out and paced the kitchen....muttering to herself.
"I can't waste food. I need to find something to put this in. I wonder if I can use a coffee mug?"
Yeah...she only had enough soup left to fill a freakin coffee mug.
I looked at her and said, "JUST EAT THE REST OF THE SOUP! YOU'RE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE DAMN RUBBER CHICKEN LEGS! EAT!IT'S NOT NORMAL FOR ANYONE TO WEAR A SIZE ZERO!"
She blinked a few times and then ate the rest of the soup, right out of the pot.
It was a flippin miracle.
Have you SEEN what rubber chicken legs look like?
Not very pretty huh?
I was forced to watch TV for an hour or so this morning. For some reason, my left arm and shoulder are KILLING me and I iced them down to see if it would help.
(It didn't help much but it's a little better...)
While I was trapped in a state of inactivity without booze, I flipped through the channels and watched a few shows.
The REAL Housewives....
REAL????
These broads look better than half of Hollywood AND none of them have a saggy tit in the group.
I'm wondering how someone concluded these women are real?
Their salon styled hair and veneered teeth don't exactly scream REAL to me.
When I think of a REAL HOUSEWIFE, I think of a woman who's too busy cleaning up after her family to even take a proper shower. (When I scratch my "Meow Meow Meow" it's NOT because I have cooties, it's probably because I didn't get to rinse all the soap out of that delicate area.
A REAL HOUSEWIFE doesn't wear designer clothes because she doesn't have the money to buy them and even if by some miracle she did have one item of clothing that bragged a designer tag, she wouldn't wear it anywhere near her kids because kids do things like SHIT THEMSELVES AND PROJECTILE VOMIT AND SPILL RED KOOL-AID!
Who's the fucking idiot that came up with this show's whole concept?
Hmmm...that explains a lot.
This dude has NO CLUE about housewivery and what it consists of.
Meh....
I keep my plastic in the cupboard. These broads carry theirs in their bodies...boob job? Nose job? Face lift?
They have more plastic in their bodies than Paris Hilton has in her wallet.
Yeah...that's enough blabbing for now.
I'm blabbed out.
Plus my shoulder hurts.Maybe Mr.Man will rub it for me tonight? I sure hope so...hehehehehe....who knows? Maybe the pain will travel south as he's rubbing?
I am SO bad...no wonder the man loves me so much!
I must admit I love that show(s). Much like I love car wrecks where bodies are strewn about the highway.
ReplyDeleteThe show just needs a different name. Any suggestions?
ReplyDeleteAnother winning post!
ReplyDeletemeow meow meow. never even thought of a "proper" shower. your even getting educational on us BG!!!
ReplyDeleteYep, those shows need to have people like us - going to the Mart of Wal with our nagging children, wearing the same shirt for days in a row because everyone else's laundry gets done first, picking up cheerios from the floor for the 10th time in a morning, drinking from a box of wine - you know, all the glitz and glamor like that.
ReplyDeleteI have rubber chicken legs.
ReplyDeleteI hate them.
They squeek.
You must not have a dog. Because if she had rubber chicken legs she would be tackled and being chewed on constantly.
ReplyDeleteFORCE SOME MEAT DOWN THAT GIRL'S THROAT!
ReplyDeleteOh wait, that was bit perverted.
I’ve never seen that show (or is it those? I think there’s more than one) but I saw pictures of them in a People mag I came across. I thought the same thing you did. I am a real housewife without children and I almost never look halfway decent.
ReplyDeleteWhen you’re done with your cupboards, come help me with mine. I found a fondue thingamabob I’ve never used because if she’s is anywhere near, I don’t have time to wait for it to melt.
Is that...BRUCKHEIMER?
ReplyDeleteGah.
Hoping the ol' arm feels better. The team needs you to pitch this weekend (or is it catch? I forget. ;> )
When I get a sore arm or neck muscle, Tiger Balm is my bestest friend. Put your hand in a plastic glove (or, like me, a plastic sandwich bag) before you apply the Tiger Balm; otherwise, everything you touch is gonna burn like holy water in The Exorcist.
ReplyDeleteAs far as show names go, how about: A Chance to Understand Just Why Everyone Hates Rich Conceited Bitches? Or they could just shorten it to Rich Conceited Bitches of (someplace where rich conceitedd bitches congregate).
On plastic surgery, all I can ever think about is how cruel it is that Demi Moore's spent god knows what to keep herself in hyperstasis, resculpted to look better than she did in her younger days, and left poor Rumer Willis with that face that surely could use some fixing. Sorry, some ugly you can't cover with mask.
HOney, it's 5 o'clock somewhere.
ReplyDeleteHappy to report that as much as I am a tv addict, I've never watched that show! How about "The Unreal Housewives of (whatever city they're showing now).
ReplyDeleteDon't even open my cabinets... something might immediately fall on your head. I need to de-clutter too!