I'm having one of those moments this morning.
Actually EVERY fucking morning I have one of THOSE moments.
Every morning I get my two darling daughters up for school.
They are the most darling and precious creatures alive...UNTIL THEY OPEN THEIR FUCKING EYES!
I arm myself with Holy Water and crosses. I'd wear armor, but then I wouldn't be able to hide under the bed anymore...
Miss KIA will become a snarling hell beast if her ass is not parked on the shitter within a minute of having to poop.
"MOM! I HAVE TO POOP...NOW!"
God forbid that you're actually on the toilet when she has to go.
She will snarl and loom over you, making you too afraid to continue and leave you with one of those "half in- half out" poops that render you helpless and leave you contemplating how to get rid of it.
I FUCKING HATE THAT!
Of course the Blonde Goddess here is not rich. There is only one bathroom in our house. That's kind of like only having one dessert table at a weight watchers convention.
It's chaos.
Veggie Stick will literally yap and bitch all the way to school if she's not given ample time to straighten her hair the "right way".
I've had some pretty evil thoughts about "straightening" her hair....
Don't even look at me like that.
If you had to listen to her mouth for twenty minutes straight while trapped in a car with her, you'd be thinking the same thing.
I just have to ask myself where the good old days went.
You know...the days when my little girls just ran around topless in the yard in their diapers, sucking on their pacifiers...you know...last year.
Now that they're sixteen and eighteen, they're HORRIBLE!
I'm scared of them.
I think the chicken they loved so much as children was pumped full of hormones that made them the crazy masochists they are today.
What other explanation could there be?
Is it NORMAL to emerge from the bathroom with handfuls of your sister's hair and a nail file jutting out of the side of your head???
They live to inflict pain on each other.
God how I miss the days when they'd sit together in their little crib.
And they'd sing.
And then dig in their diapers and smear poop on each other.
Or throw it at me as I walked in the room.
Or eat it.
And then take a big swig of milk out of their bottle and throw it at me, striking me in the forehead every time.
*SIGH*
What happened to those sweet little girls?
Miss KIA still doesn't like red dresses....
I just don't understand why I must suffer like this EVERY DAY!
Ah well...
I'm thinking about joining a new club...
I'm still not sure about it but I thought it looked fun.
I wouldn't have to worry about sneezing or coughing when I was there and I've always enjoyed wearing a bib and bonnet.
Shut up!
I do too wear bonnets!!!
Besides, I like lollipops.
I haven't made up my mind yet...let me know what you think...
Well that's it.
I have to go do motherly, housewifey things.
You know...
See you tomorrow...
I know what I was like as a teenager. I cannot imagine having 2 of the female variety in the house at once. It is no wonder that you drink. I would too!
ReplyDeleteOh my god, the things I have to look forward to...I can hardly wait.
ReplyDeleteI'd better start stocking up on the vodka.
I love you! You just know how to soothe my I-ain't-ever-gonna-have-no-baby moments of disappointment!
ReplyDeleteBTW, We call the half-in/half-out poo a "turdle" because it's like a turtle poking its head out of its shell. :)
I hate turdles.
PS: Eating more fruits and veggies reduces your chances of having a turdle. They lend more glide for the slide. Just sayin.
ReplyDelete"Better thee than me" is all I gotta say.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered a whip, a chair, and a .38 (think "animal trainer at the circus")? Taser? Moving while they're at school, and "forgetting" to tell them?
I have those days every day too. I have one in the "terrible threes" and one 11 yr old who wants to be a sullen teenager already. Drives me nutz!
ReplyDeleteLMFAO! Thank GOD I have a boy! Altho, even at nine and a half he's starting with the, "I don't want you to pick out my clothes mom". I'm like "DAMN! We'll be here until NOON if you pick them out yourself!" I love the red dress pic! You rock blondie!
ReplyDeleteWhat?
ReplyDeleteNo advice on whether I should join the club?
This isn't a joke people.
I need advice...
I have two daughters who are now 29and 25. They were just like your daughters when they were teenagers. They lived to make each others lives hell and come to think of it, mine too! Anyway, now that they are adults and both parents, I couldn't ask for better children. THey are best friends and they are currently at the mall with a 3 year old and an 18 month old, shopping. My wife and I are blest, just as you are and it does get better. You just have to wait until they get out of college!
ReplyDeleteOh buck up and get the eff on with it, Girlfriend. You ain't dealin' with nuttin' no other Mommaperson and Daddyman hasn't gone through gazillions of times all the way back through ancient history. You'll live through this period in their lives or die tryin'. You'll come out on the other end a better person and parent for it... or you'll be dead. Whichever, it will be over before you know it and then you will find yourself lamenting for those good ol' days when they were hellyuns at home... or you'll be dead. Yeah, if you die tryin' you'll still be dead when it is over. Hmmm, there seems to be a minor flaw in my parental logic and counseling techniques.
ReplyDeleteOh, and don't join the frakkin adult baby club. You got enough crazy shit going on in your life already and don't need additional blogging fodder. Save some for the rest of us amoebas with a blog.
ReplyDeleteLOL
ReplyDeleteyou tickle the shit outta me.
Goddess- DO NOT join that club. As Tony said you do not need any more drama inducing shit in your life. You have enough already. SHEESH, Woman!
ReplyDeleteThat is why my girls are 5 1/2 years apart (ok not really, but it sure worked out conveniently)..
ReplyDeleteEaster bonnets so soon?
ReplyDeleteI left something for you on my blog. Grab it if you want.
Oh no, girlfriend, don't join the club. No way, no how.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me glad I only have one and he's a boy.
You are strong...you can out last them...soon they will leave the nest. Forget the club. Let's start our own club.
ReplyDeleteRemember...what does not kill you will only make you weaker so the next battle might take you out, sigh.
...Al...
You are IN MY HEAD today.
ReplyDeleteExcept I have a 13 year old devil-boy and a 10 year old kia girl.
Young girls like that, your could sell them.
ReplyDeleteOh hahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteHave you noticed that when you complete the "Children" section of social/dating websites, that your only choices from the dropdown are "Not for me", "Someday", or "Proud Parent"...
I always thought it would be appropriate to add a few more choices... such as "Failed Parent" or "Shamed Parent".
Earplugs and an outhouse. There ya go, problems solved.
ReplyDeleteI am SOOOOOOO glad I had boys.
ReplyDeleteThat's all I have to say.
I'll pray for you. Or light a candle or two. Blowtorch?
Every parent is stunned when the teenage years arrive. Some of us shout warnings to parents of youngeruns, but y'all don't believe us. "Not my child," you sniff with your perceived superior parenting skills firmly tucked into your pocket. (Not you, the collective you.)
ReplyDeleteI have photographic proof that I was a young, attractive woman prior to Chef Boy 'R Mine's descent into the dark world. All I can say is "this too shall pass" - which you'll probably hear a lot (and will provoke teeth grinding on your part because clearly we are not paying attention when you describe the depths to which your offspring have sunk).
P.S. Perimenopause ain't no picnic either.
AWESOME!!!!!! I'm still in the cute phase, but he still has his days! I'm truely scared of the teen years. Mostly because I was so bad...
ReplyDeleteOMG we only have one bathroom too. The Zanester takes 30+ minute shits, leaving my Oilybeauhunk and I stuck peeing in bushes in our yard. The neighbors love us.
ReplyDeleteLove the red dress picture...be sure you show that one around on her wedding day.
ReplyDeleteThat's my life everyday, so now I'm looking for buyers. I have a lot of em to sell...any takers ?
ReplyDeleteCute girls BG! I (had) the cutest boys too. Back when they were preteens. Now they look like they could pick me up and shove me through a wall if they wanted to.And sometimes they want to.
ReplyDeleteGood thing I have alot of hammers.
That and the title to the house, so they better jump when Daddy says jump, or at least in the 2-3 day grace period.
Yea, I feel for you. Mine are still here; 19&16, lov 'em to death, but can't wait for the older one to move out and see how much food *really* does cost...
As far as the club?? Hey, what ever the f*ck it takes to get through it girl.
I'm thinking of joining a coven soon.
The Baptist church down the road is full of, well, idiots. Nice idiots, but still..
I think I said a few posts ago, I love kids. The only problem with them is that they turn into teenagers!
ReplyDeleteI also am Soooooo glad I had a son and not a daughter. I feel for ya' girl.
Does that club have lollipops made from Stoli?
you must be patient
ReplyDeleteI called my father one year on Fathers Day, and said "Happy shoulda worn a condom day"! His response was,"You ain't right".
ReplyDeleteRemember that children are just unrefined versions of people that will probably grow up to be annoying adults LMAO
I'm glad Sage sent me over here, you are one funny bitch! I mean that in the nicest of ways and am also glad to hear I'm not the only one that has evil thoughts like that, of her children.
ReplyDeleteAhhh! LOL! I would tell you it gets better but I would be lying, Sorry.
ReplyDeleteSage sent me.. and I am glad he did. lol
ReplyDeleteSo glad I only have one.. and a boy. Though.. there are still days that I wonder when and why they changed the law about killing your own hellspawn just cuz they needed killin'.
if you DO join the adult-baby club, must you poo in your adult-diaper? Because that would SO be a deal breaker.
ReplyDeleteROTFL
ReplyDeleteOMG, I'd like to say I'm glad I have boys...but who knows what it'll be like to be eaten out of house & home.
Where u at? We miss you. You went and joined the MFing club didn't you....traitor!
ReplyDeleteI'm looking to motherhood, but definitely not this part. At least you don't have to attend baby showers and when people ask when YOU'RE going to have babies, look at them in the eye and say, "The doctor said not to have any kids because they'd come out like smurfs."
ReplyDelete