I haven't felt like blogging.
There...I said it.
Actually it's not that I haven't wanted to blog, per se, it's really that I haven't wanted to share myself with anyone.
I'm in that silent little closet,...with the door closed and the whole wide world wondering where I am.
I get like this sometimes.
I think we all do.
I'm just trying to figure out how to pull myself out of it.
For the first time in a LONG time, I forced myself to sit down here and write something.
I'm completely not motivated to do it either.
In fact, I'm pausing between sentences, whereas normally I can't type fast enough to write down what's flowing out of my head.
My cat died.
The one that was half starved when I got home....and that affected me in a negative way...
The vet gave me this bullshit about it being depressed and it being my fault for leaving her home for two weeks, discrediting that fact that we had people coming in several times a day to feed and play with all three of our cats.
Of course I believed everything the vet said.
I did everything they told me to.
I thought she was getting better and then she died...in my arms.
Now I realize that there had to be something more wrong with her and my common sense should have told me that the vet was full of shit.
I don't understand why I allowed myself to listen to that garbage.
If I had only told that vet to get fucked and taken my cat to another vet, she might still be alive.
Normally I can find some way to pick myself up and move on...you know...using my crude sense of humor...but this time, I'm just not bouncing back as quickly.
I have about as much bounce as a brick.
Maybe that's where the silence is coming from?
I'm looking inward and all I see is something raw and shriveled up.
I made a horrible mistake.
I'm just having a hard time forgiving myself for it.
And that...my friends, is yet another chapter in the fucked up tales of the Blonde Goddess.
Maybe now that I've forced myself to confess, I can move forward...
I hate this damn closet.
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I used to work for a vet and I can tell you that that vet was full of pure shit and a shitty vet to boot!
ReplyDeleteWhen a cat starts losing weight quickly and stops eating, they can do down very quickly. Any number of reasons can cause it, but simple pining for someone who's on vacation would not be enough. Hunger would kick in for a healthy cat.
That vet should have checked for dehydration, run fluids, and given the cat a little something to perk up its appetite. I almost lost Skreechy Cat a couple of years ago because he stopped eating (he'd chewed on a houseplant or something that made him have his belly full of gas bubbles...they showed me the bubbles on the x-ray that did to make sure if there was something in his stomach or not). It cost over $200 to fix him, and I threw away every house plant I owned when I got home.
Chances are, though, if it was a slower rate of stopping, the cat could have had some kind of cancer. Our cat who lived to be 24 had liver cancer and we couldn't tell a thing until she stayed at the vet's while we were on vacation. He was a good vet and he noticed that her appetite was going down and her pee wasn't a normal color. He did x-rays and found her cancer. We had to put her to sleep.
I'm sorry that you lost your cat. It's so hard to deal with losing a pet. Part of us says it shouldn't matter that much; another part of us is reminded 20 times a day that the pet is gone because it doesn't show up for the things it did and we still expect it to show up.
BTW, you have mail (not cat-related...I sent it last night) but I think the e-mail addy I use for you is an older one.
(((hugs))) and my condolences on your loss. Know it is not your fault. You did what every other normal reasonable person would do: You took it to the vet. The vet may not have been able to save her even if they figured out what was going on. When a cat starts to go down, they just go down pretty quickly.
{{HUGS}} So sorry for the loss.
ReplyDeleteNow {Smack} It's not your fault. You took her to the vet and were caring for her. Sometimes bad things happen for no good reason. Don't second guess your decisions because if we could all look back on decisions we made at some point and knew what we know now we would most likely do something different. You did your best and you should know that as I'm sure the kitty cat knew you were there and loved her.
Awwwww! I am so sorry for your loss! My kitty that I had in high school died in my arms too and I know it's an awful feeling! That vet sucks big donky dicks for making you feel like it was your fault!!! I love you! *HUGS*
ReplyDelete{{hugs}} hope you come out of the closet soon.
ReplyDeleteI lost my kitty last year and can feel your loss. Ass wipe vet.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dog to parvo a few months ago &
ReplyDeleteI couldn't even get out bed. I probably don't have to tell you, but it gets easier as the days go by.
Ps. That vet is a total ass for making it seem like it was your fault. What a jerk face.
Oh, Goddess, it is not your fault! You did everything you could and that vet is a dick for making you feel this way. Email me his name and address and I will make him see the error of his ways.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you lost your cat. It's not all bad, your other cats are wanting some attention from mommy. So take a deep breathe and exhale. Set your mind to I gonna get through this and get back to what you do. Your a great girl and you know it. You did your best and the vet let you down. Not eating is serious for cats, I have one and he has no problems letting me know he's hungry. He also doesn't mind me gone for a day or two because that means I'm taking the dog and he's fine with that. Last time we left, I found evidence of catnip on the floor and party hats and all my milk was gone. He denied it all. Love you girl, get back in the groove soon. Shiny!!!
ReplyDeleteYou cannot blame yourself! It sucks about your cat, it is amazing how attached you can get to a pet!
ReplyDeleteYou did your best for the kitty. That vet should be shot for his/her terrible bedside manners. I'm sorry for your loss {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteThe separation depression is more common in dogs and rare in cats. He should know that (the Jerk). Independence and self survival are a very strong driive in cats. And two other pack members to hang out with?...yep...sorry the vet missed this one but don't blame yourself for trusting him(the Jerk). The little guy had more going on and I'm guessing kindneys (common). He (vet, the Jerk) probably could not have done much...and just remember the time you had.
ReplyDeleteSorry I got behind and read Mondays and clicked older post to see what was up. I'm so sorry. You probably know I'm a cat lover, the last cat that died was 21 and lived in the flower shop. We made her a cushioned bed in a tray like box and she never got in it except we went to work one day and she was in it and dead. It was shocking and so sad. We knew it was coming as she had lost her sight and so much weight. I can't imagine having a pet die in my arms. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteSeveral years ago we had the mother-in-law from hell feed & water the cats, while we were on vacation. Well, this woman was a bleach freak/neatnick and when we got back and noticed a strong smell of bleach in the bathroom, which we had not used bleach in there. Our toilet seat too was up and we always left it down so the cats wouldn't drink out of it. Lo & behold within days of our getting home, "Fuzz" could no longer eat and her tongue seemed to be burnt. The vet couldn't figure out what was wrong and I always blamed that hag that bleached everything.
I'm just saying, it probably wasn't bleach or you'd smell it, but it's possible the cat got into something poisonous either by curiosity or by something to blame on the caretaker. Unless you have the whole thing on video, you just never know. But you must know it wasn't depression of the cat, good Lord. Why didn't the stupid vet just say she died of a broken heart...geez. You were responsible and had a caretaker, there's nothing more you could've done. It would have been traumatic to put it in a pet sitter kennel. Please don't blame yourself and it's only normal for you to feel down & out. Only time heals those wounds. Thanks for sharing your story. It made me tear up though.
I am so sorry. I know exactly what it's like; had cats all my life, including one who died in my arms. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteThe pain eventually lets up, but for now you just have to let it happen. You'll get through this.
And let me just add a "me too" for everyone who said that a) it wasn't your fault and b) the vet was a jerk - both true.
All the best.