All my clothes are tight.
And I'm fucking pissed.
You see...the Menopause Goddess has high-jacked my body.
It's true...
Every other week, she blows me up like a balloon and tries to bleed me dry.
THEN she makes me irritable so I have to drink.
And we all know that drinking is fattening.
*SOB*
The other day I was in a VERY PISSY mood and Mr.Man asked me, "What's your problem?"
"WHAT'S MY PROBLEM?!?!", I screamed as my head spun wildly on my shoulders....." I AM BLEEDING TO DEATH AND I LOOK LIKE A SCHOOL BUS IN THE YELLOW SHIRT! THAT'S WHAT MY "PROBLEM" IS!!!"
He had the NERVE to say, "Well you'd better get over it because the Man God here is not going to put up with the Menopause Goddess. Man God stands up here...(motioning to above his head) and Menopause Goddess stands here (motioning to his waist).Man God is in charge and Menopause Goddess better know where she stands."
"The Menopause Goddess and Man God take a stroll through the park together."
Of course , since the Menopause Goddess has possessed my body, I said...
"I'M GLAD YOU FUCKING TOLD ME WHERE I STAND MAN GOD BECAUSE THE WAY I SEE IT IS THAT THE MENOPAUSE GODDESS IS JUST AT THE RIGHT HEIGHT TO REACH OVER AND BITE THE NUT SAC RIGHT OFF THE OLD MAN GOD IF HE DOESN'T SHUT THE HELL UP!"
*See photo above if you have questions about the dynamics of my statement...
Yes...we often have these romantic conversations, proclaiming our love for each other. It's special times like these that keep us together.
So anyway, this morning I have to go out. I must have tried on ten pairs of pants before settling on one pair that didn't cause me to lose the circulation to my legs. I then chose a "Moo Moo" looking top, that drapes over my body to cover the GIANT boob propper that's growing beneath my breasts. My shirt is red.
The way I see it is that maybe if people see the red they'll think I'm a fire truck and let me pass.
(I'm kind of in a hurry to get back home today...)
"NO standing in line for the Blonde Goddess today!"
I would wear the yellow shirt because people stop for buses, except that damn kids keep trying to climb on me and I'm already having a hard time walking, with the pants cutting off circulation and everything.)
Of course I know that I'm going to have to stop drinking so much.
That's probably adding inches to the thickness of my skin on a daily basis.
(Notice I said "thickness of skin" and not the "F-A-T" word..."
So...with that said, I have to leave and get on the road.
I'd better not see a "Wide Load" truck in front of me or I'll become homicidal. Well...I won't but the Menopause Goddess will....just ask the Man God.
We'll discuss the "no more drinking" or "not drinking as much" thing another day.
I don't want to cry hysterically while I'm running errands.
"I need a case of super plus tampons."
Yeah...I can see it now. Then EVERYONE would know. Forget it.
I'll be back tomorrow...
Oh, there's so much more to look forward to...it takes copious amounts of liquor to stand it!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain, girlfriend. We goddesses need to stick together. Tell Man God I said he'd better get his stuff out of the way, or he'll be talking like a little boy before he knows what hit him (your fist). Hang in there and remember the most important thing in the world: CHOCOLATE!!!
ReplyDeleteugh seriously, doesn't Man God know not to fuck with a Godess, period.
ReplyDeleteha, see how I did that? period.
Ok you are way funny...love your posts.
Hang in there girl, I will not be presenting a male perspective due to my total loss of estrogen supply. Or was that testosterone and being the only man brave enough to make a comment in this arena. Now I will be good goddess worshipper and be quiet and go sit in the corner over there. A would you like some chocolate?
ReplyDeleteMan God better check that mouthiness! Holla if you need anything...even super plus tampons!
ReplyDeletewait... you're gonna stop drinking?
ReplyDeletethat...
i mean...
... i just wet myself....
Do what Malach does, jog.
ReplyDeleteMan God is either really brave or had a moment of extreme stupidity... The Husband KNOWS better than to even open his fucking mouth when i am in that mood. Which I may be in right now.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. And quitting drinking is not the answer. I promise. Have you considered buying bigger clothes?
I do not love this menopause.
ReplyDeleteI do love, sorta, my progesterone pill. It makes me not want to kill people.
Oh the stupidity of men sometimes. I think they need to be trained as part of the "sex ed" classes. My husband blamed everything and I mean EVERYTHING on me - when I had my hysterectomy at 32. Yes, all the wars and deaths in the world were my fault - deal with it!
ReplyDeleteSo does this mean you cannot drink for me anymore? Well who in the fuck is going to drink for me? I cannot drink and someone damn well better drink for me.
ReplyDeleteWhere in the hell is mooooog...oh screw that...he would pass out. He is no where near tall enough to handle enough boooze for two of us.
O.B. decided to do womankind a favor and made a tampon larger than the Super Plus variety you speak of. The name of the monster size? Ultra. As if using Super Plus didn't make you feel bad enough about your massive blood loss.
ReplyDeleteI heard there's a guy men-o-pause, too. But I would never be a cranky prick who would ever tell a girl...1)...fix it yourself! 2)...find it yourself! 3)...you're just like you're Mother!! Nope...wouldn't do that. Ever again...promise...none of that works...trust me on this one...(:-D)
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've been meaning to tell you that my ova overheard you telling me about the bi-weekly periods and they hopped right back on that train. Who knew that pheremone thing worked over the phone?
ReplyDeleteTell Man God that my Curmy can attest to the need for a Manland...his own little sanctuary where he is no longer stuck like a cling-on in your asshair when you need you asshair to be cling-on free. You call it Manland so he'll think it's special and all about him. It's really Goddess owns the living room and you, backtalker of da hormones, get to spend your time in this closet I converted into a computer/TV room so you can have your man time. Because you're giving that way.
They all fall for it. Again, you will reign supreme, and you won't have to listen to bitching when the need for that gallon of chocolate brownie ice cream, a fifth of Jack, and a stack of chick flicks that make you cry.
Oh Hell, I'm just 28 but if menopause is as bad as everyone makes out, I should start drinking now!
ReplyDeleteOK, what the fuck is going on? I put you in my 'follow' list a long-assed time ago, but you don't show up at all. I've been missing you like crack and never seeing any updates, and all the while you've been busy being funnier than me. And cut that shit out, by the way, Mrs Schoolbus Super Tampon Fire Chief woman, or else!
ReplyDelete