I am happy to report that I'm not feeling quite as poopy today.
I'm still feeling bad but my head is not pounding and that is a blessing. I guess those little elf bastards left to torment someone else...
The coughing is still there but now, instead of just hacking and coughing and pissing myself, I am bringing this goop up out of my lungs.
It's beautiful stuff too, let me tell ya.
I'm carrying around a "spit cup" so I can spit all this gunk out every time I cough it up. It's totally disgusting and nasty so of course I'm fascinated with it.
It resembles a combination of tapioca pudding and porridge with a few bits of pickled relish or something.
It almost makes me want to barf just looking at it.
So yeah, I'm having a great time coughing this shit up and then making myself gag by checking out the contents in the cup.
SHUT UP!
What else do I have to occupy myself today?
Actually I had some major asshole issues.
That's right.
If you'll remember correctly yesterday in the comment section a few people offered some advice on how to soothe my inflamed asshole.
The Hussy Housewife suggested Tucks medicated pads.
So I got some and tried them out...
They look innocent enough, ok?
THEY ARE NOT!
MY ASSHOLE DID NOT FIND RELIEF FROM THESE SONS-A-BITCHES!
IT BURNED!!!!
I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO FUCKING DIE!!!
And I KNOW that I used every curse word I could think of as I frantically splashed cold water on my sore asshole.
In the past, Tucks have worked just fine.
In fact they have been very soothing so why the hell didn't they work this time???
Do I have an Alien trying to crawl out of my ass or something? It feels like I've been dripping acid out of my squirt-sled ass-track.
So get this....later on in the day I decided to take Kevin John's advice and try some Carmex on my asshole.
Yeah, that's right. I rubbed it on my asshole.
I can't even go into what happened after that.
It was that bad.
My cats know how to swear now and they won't shut up.
I literally SHOVED ice cubes in my ass.
Not even shitting you...
Then when the pain subsided, I got dressed and went to the store to get some decent toilet paper...
(Why didn't I call ETW or Inanna? They OFFERED to bring me some sweet, soft relief!!!Can you say Quilted Northern?)
Instead I ended up walking into FasChek looking like an ASSCLOWN!
I had to walk in a scooching position because it was too fucking painful to close my ass cheeks!
YES!!THAT IS MY SHOPPING CART FULL CHARMIN PLUS SOOTHING LOTION!!!STEP AWAY FROM IT!!!
I paid for my stuff, came home and then suddenly, like a miracle from heaven, I felt some relief.
Apparently both the Tucks and Carmex did help... eventually...after torturing me and making me look like a Tourette's patient.
I have decided to take Malach's advice and purchase a few baby wipes to keep handy...
Hope I bought enough...
Fattie20xl suggested I shower every time I take a shit, but you know...I'm not always someplace I can shower when I shit. I can shit at will and I'll basically shit any place I need to go. I'm not picky.
Some people feel the need to take a "secure shit" like Mr.Man for example. He has certain "safe" shit houses and that includes our house, his mother's house and a certain bathroom stall at work.
Does he think someone will steal it?
I'm not getting the whole secure shit thing.
I know it's not because he's embarrassed that someone will hear him pooping. We fart on each other in public all the time, (as a preclude to intercourse..*wink, wink*) and I highly doubt that poop noises would cause him to be embarrassed.
Hmmm...speaking of shit. I'm gonna have to go. And in case you're wondering...I HAVE found several little "helpers" to get me through the next few painful days....
Burn Gel and Baby Orajel.
God I'm a fucking genius...
Don't be hatin...
Sorry about your sore ass, I have felt the pain. My recommendation would be Vaseline to create a barrier between your skin and the stomach acid that is chappin' your ass, just like you would use on a baby. Also there is a letter to a sex columnist here- http://www.straight.com/content/lifestyle/savage-love
ReplyDeleteAbout using Oral Gel type products on genitalia that you might want to read. Might just be some interested reading for a girl having a sick day at home anyway:)
Good luck with all of it.
You have such interesting adventures. Like the commenter above suggests, getting a barrier between your sensitive anal mucous membranes and the rest of the world is a great idea.
ReplyDeleteThree cheers for Blonde Goddess and her healing asshole!
ReplyDeleteLets hear it...
Hip Hip Horray!
Hip Hip Horray!
Hip Hip Horray!
I'm so glad that you're feeling a little better!
I woulda bought the sensitive ass toilet paper for ya!
ReplyDeleteBaby wipes, what a great idea!
An examination of sputum is important in order to ascertain whether or not it is indeed mucus or our brains falling out. That must be what's wrong with some people I know... they've snotted their brains right out of their cranium.
All Hail The Blond Goddess That Has Risen From Her Inner Sanctum!
ReplyDeleteYou need Cottonelle (or howeverthefuckitsspelled) flushable premoistened wipes.
ReplyDeleteNo shit (haha) I had the WORST diarreah of my life last month and the only thing that kept me from murdering people were the big girl buttwipes.
I never even considered orajel, and that is the whole reason I stalk you now, because you're clearly an evil genius.
With a chapped ass.
further more and this is also the complete and total truth, in fact I should even blog it, it's that good; when my sister in law moved out of my guest room finally, I was cleaning it and I found a Snapple bottle full of spit. FULL OF IT. WIht little white globs of muccus floating like oyesters in it. AND IT WAS MOLDY.
ReplyDeleteI kind of wish I'd taken a picture of it
Inanna's right - and I would have brought you relief that doesn't ball up in your ass crack like Charmin. Oh well, maybe the fuzzy balls of TP will cushion your hole from the cheeks and provide relief.
ReplyDeleteTammie,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your feelin' better, but with what you tried why the hell not try BenGay?????
Damn woman! LOL.........
Two words:
ReplyDeletezinc oxide, applied liberally! Best barrier ever.
I think it's just wonderful that so many people, your admirers have great suggestions to heal your asshole. I have nothing left to add here - you should be cured or at least on the road to recovery. Good job.
ReplyDeletecharmin and quilted northern bung up your toilet tubes.
ReplyDeleteif you have a septic tank they just... ball up in there and overflow it. that's why you really should use scott's.
trust me. i'm a fat kid. i know about this stuff (poops)
I will use baby wipes for the rest of my life, and Goddamn when I am old and someone don't wipe me with one of those . . . Death I tell you!
ReplyDeleteThe hell? Who needs WebMD? The next time I have some sensitive issue, I'm just gonna come over here and post about it.
ReplyDeleteDon't flush the baby wipes. They aren't septic friendly.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the description of what you're coughing up made me giggle in a combination of horror and glee.
I bow to your disgusting descriptions!