"The Blonde Goddess was so disappointed no amount of vodka could console her."
Jasmine is winning by four points!
FOUR FUCKING POINTS!
You know...I don't ask for much.
I just wanted to prove a point...a very VALID point I might add, about the sexy princess factor and why my choice of Sleeping Beauty was the best choice.
Look at the figure on her! She's a blonde like me! I don't understand why you all can't see it.
Meh....
It annoys me.
Of course it probably doesn't help that I started my curse this morning.
THIS FUCKING MORNING!!!!
Mr.Man is coming home tonight!!!!
I haven't screwed his brains out...er...I mean SEEN him since Sunday! That's a LONG TIME!!!!
So I am in a bitchy mood.
And you know how it goes...you start the curse and your hormones get all insane on you...
"I HATE HAVING MY PERIOD! I JUST SHAVED YESTERDAY! LOOK AT ME!AND I'M BLOATED!"
There are a lot of women who don't look forward to menopause, but you know what?
I'm ready for it.
I am so ready to be done with the whole childbearing thing that you wouldn't even believe it.
I squirted out four kids.
I did my part.
I've stretched my body out four times like a blowfish under attack and I'm ready to stop the monthly suffering.
"I BANISH THEE UTERUS! GO! GO AND NEVER COME BACK! LEAVE NOW! FALL OUT AND CRAWL AWAY!"
Yes...I would definitely say that I'm ready to put an end to my monthly visitor.
Of course the neighbors probably wouldn't like it, but you know what?
I don't give a shit.
Like they would approve of anything I do anyway.
"It's terrible Janice. I can't even have my mother-in-law visit. That blonde woman dances around her fire pit in the back yard...in the nude! And she's drunk!"
Yeah...yeah...whatever.
So they get one weekend off a month because I'm suffering through my period.
They should quit their damn bitching.
It gives them something to talk about AND makes for an abundance of prayer requests.I bet they're the most popular Jesus police in their churches. I bet even the preacher waits with anticipation to see what the prayer requests are going to be every Sunday morning.
They need me dammit!
I serve a purpose in their lives and they don't even know it.
Well anyway, I'm going to have to stop writing in here and eat some chocolate. If I don't do something to soothe the savage beast my womanly parts have unleashed, I could end up getting myself in trouble.
"Hand over the Midol and case of beer NOW! I don't care what the warning labels say! And what the hell is wrong with the way I look? I will HURT YOU!"
I bet Mr.Man is going to be happy to come home to this, dontcha think?
Vote for Sleeping Beauty....PLEASE???
Make a fragile little Blonde Goddess happy, won't you?
Yes...I said fragile...
Shut up!
I voted for SB TWICE. Because she's my favorite. Although I suspect that Phil is a necrophiliac, but they can't all be winners, can they?
ReplyDeleteOh, and by the way, that blonde goddess in the sidebar looks like Drew Barrymore. Don'tcha think?
ReplyDeleteThe way I look at it, you can't win. I hated having my period, and I suffered endlessly. And now I'm going into perimenopause, and that sucks just as much...
ReplyDeleteI want to be a man. Is it too late to change?
OK... OK... I voted for sleeping beauty. I figure while she's sleeping I'll have all the other princesses over anyway for some fun.
ReplyDeleteMiss Thystle: I think you're right about old Phillip but that just helps my argument. How many women would be willing to play dead when they're having sex? (I mean the women who actually LIKE sex.)
ReplyDeleteMary:I think I'd like to have a dick but then I'd be worried about getting in trouble for wanting to stick it in everything. I'm a horny woman and can you imagine me as a man? It would be like having another Moog around.
Drew Barrymore? Maybe...
Ron: I will flash you in honor of this occasion.
ReplyDelete*lifts shirt up*
*take bra off*
*thud* (sound of boobs hitting the floor.)
*drag....drag...drag...drag...*(sound of me walking to the window)
Did you see it Ron?
LOL... why yes 8-)
ReplyDeleteOh... by the way I'm sure there are alternate activities you and Mister Man can do that don't involve him meeting Aunt Flo. {Wink} {Wink} {Nudge} {Nudge}
I did my part by voting for Sleeping Beauty.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the chocolate, but don't let it soothe your muse too much.
BTW, have I mentioned how much I enjoy the pictures you come up with? I still think fondly of the guy in the bunny suit and heels.
i HATE having my period. UGH!! i feel your pain. in fact, you may have jinxed me! where the fuck is a calendar?! UGH!
ReplyDeleteon another note, ok ok. i'll vote for sleeping beauty. geez!
;)
Mlight: I feel so loved now. The guy in the bunny suit and heels was a good one wasn't it? Now if I could only convince Mr.Man to try on a getup like that.
ReplyDeleteNamaste:If I jinxed you I'm so sorry. I am really hating life today and hope that tomorrow will be MUCH better. The first day always sucks.
(and thanks for the sleeping beauty vote...I'm giddy cause she's catching up!)
My giblets were removed.
ReplyDeleteThus I emit no more.
My antiquated boobs
Are dragging on the floor.
Hot flashes make me shriek.
My moods are off the charts.
I don't miss "That Week."
But I miss my girly parts.
All I can say is amen to Leann! That was fan-fucking-tastic!
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better tomorrow and at least get some snuggles this evening!
My sister and I constantly compare periods to see if there is even a glimmer of hope that menopause is in sight....
ReplyDeleteOf COURSE Mr Man will be happy to come home to you...
ReplyDeleteIt's a guaranteed bl*wjob!!!!
For the win!
You got to kiss de girl
ReplyDeleteMenopause has its charms, but with it comes the SUCK of low estrogen.
ReplyDeleteThink 'saggy skin/boobs/eyes/libido' and you've just about got it.
But hey - no more periods! That counts fer sumthin'!
Look, I voted for Belle because I like her (and the singing candlestick, Jerry Orback RIP), and I started my monthly flow of death as well, so meh.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what was funnier, the post or the comments! It did make me thing of my Mom, who quit taking her estrogen and shortly thereafeter her man dumped her.
ReplyDeleteSo you girl won in the end for sexiest princess, breathe a sighe of relief...and feel better soon!
Sorry to comment at this post ladies, but I need to let BG know she has an award. So BG, when you get time, stop by and read my post "Honest Scrap Award."
I have no use for my uterus and have been trying to give it away for years. So far, no takers.
ReplyDeletePoll closed? What? I just now got here for this, dammit!
ReplyDeleteI'd totally do all of them, just so there was no one feeling left out and unloved and all that. Yeah, 'cause I'm generous like that. I'd line'em all up nude, bend'em over with feet apart, and do'em all one after the other, only pausing long enough to snap on a new condom 'cause I'm a gentleman and everything. Does that count as a vote?
You know, the idea of doing a cartoon girl makes me wonder, would I get ink on my dinky?
We're just cursed...Cursed I say !!!! fuckers..
ReplyDeleteAwww, I'm too drunk to foat, I mean, vote. PMS'ing, too.
ReplyDeleteI never was bothered by doing the nasty when I had the rag. As long as the dude was ok with it (which he is), I'm all for it!
ReplyDeleteIt yields the best feelings
Sure hope you get your internet back soon.
ReplyDeleteGood Post.
ReplyDelete"I've stretched my body out four times like a blowfish under attack and I'm ready to stop the monthly suffering."
ReplyDeleteOkay, THAT made me spew my drink out my nose, but damn if I can't relate!!!! I am so over it. I wish I could donate all that gear to someone who can't have kids (um... without being a surrogate Mom because I am so done with pregnancy!!!)