I'd make a good breeder....

Yesterday Miss KIA called me from school and informed me that she had to go home with a classmate in order to work on a group project.
No problem on my part. In fact I always welcome an opportunity to not have to go sit at the high school and wait on her and Veggie Stick. They take FOREVER to get out to the car...(except on the days I'm running late, then they're always miraculously ready.)
ANYWAY, I got directions from Miss KIA and realized that I had never been out in the area she needed me to pick her up at.
Although I wasn't terribly worried, I left a little early so I could find her friend's house.

I drove down past the high school and turned off on the various roads she'd told me to...(everything was well marked) and then I turned off onto the 3rd road on the right(as she instructed me because they weren't marked.)

THAT'S when the trouble started.
Now I'm not being mean or stereotyping West Virginians cause I've seen this same set up in northern Maine where I used to live, but this hollow was a trash dump for cars, trucks, sheet metal, trash, dead dogs...etc.
I'm sure you get the picture...



As I'm driving further and further out I begin feeling a teensy,weensy uneasy because I'm not recognizing ANY of the landmarks she gave me. So I decide to turn around.
THIS,considering the area, is no easy feat. Most of the driveways are winding up the side of the mountain where the people living there have a turn around area next to their house. The road is too narrow AND the opposite side of the road is sitting shockingly close to a stream or a twelve foot or more drop off.
There is no way I'm going to be able to turn this station wagon around on the road.

I finally come to a semi-straight, semi-flat driveway. I pull in and begin backing out onto the road. As I turn toward the passenger side I can see that everything is clear. I turn back to the driver's side and I'm confronted with an exposed beer belly pressed up against the window(and yes, it was cold yesterday).



Wow. That's a big one. 52 inches perhaps?

Apparently old Junior that lived at the top of this driveway didn't "appreciate" me turning around in it. He came down to "investigate" things.

Dear God in heaven, strike me dead before he pulls me out of the car and molests me!!!

I wasn't really sure what to do. I didn't have anything in the car that I could bribe him with. I don't chew snuff and I can't carry beer after that carpooling the kids to All-County practice "incident".



(I tried to tell them it was a crash helmet but they weren't buying it.)

What in God's name was I going to do?

He yelled for me to "Put down yer winder" but there was NO FUCKING WAY THAT was going to happen.

I sat there for a minute, looking at him and he looked pretty pissed off. He started towards a shed and went in, emerging with a shovel and headed back toward me like the hair in the crack of his ass was on fire.

I tried my cell phone but I had no service.



OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO DIE!!!!

He motioned for me to roll my window down again and I figured that maybe If I was lucky, he'd just knock me out with the shovel and haul me to the barn for breeding purposes. I'm not a bad looking woman. I know how to DO THINGS, you know?

So I rolled the window down and smiled at him.


He looked me over and then spit a gob of chewing tobacco on the ground, leaving a trail down the front of his chin.

"Yer stuck." he said to me.


Holy Fuck! They're never going to find my body!!!

I must have looked terrified because he wiped the spit off his chin and said, "Yer car is stuck."
Against my better judgement, I got out and looked. Sure enough my back passenger tire was buried in something that resembled pig shit.

"My bubby's comin down and we're gonna dig ya out."

He looked at me and blinked a lot.His Bubby came down the driveway and the two of them started shoveling my car out of the muck pile.



This is Bubby.

They told me when to drive ahead and when to stop and when to back up and after what seemed forever, I was turned around and heading back out the hollow to the main road.

THANK YOU GOD! I PROMISE TO BE A BETTER PERSON AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK NOW!

Once I got back on the main road my cell phone had service again.
Miss KIA had left me multiple messages. She kept asking where I was and when I'd be there. A couple of them were VERY pissy messages and that caused a few homicidal thoughts on my part,but the last message said that she'd been able to get a ride home because her friend's mother had to run to the Town Center Mall and THAT is the only thing that kept me from killing her in her sleep.

Shut up. I'm a good mother...


Holy fuck. These kids are making me nuts!

Speaking of nuts...all three of my children are out back making a snowman. Well, a snowthing. It has a penis sticking out of it's forehead and boobs and a few other things are being formed in other areas.
They're out there laughing like they're crazy.
Great...
I KNEW they'd all grow up to be just like Mr.Man.
Damn him...
If they could just be more angelic like me...gosh.


Er...
Okay then! I have to get off here and do something good and wholesome like I always do. Be sure to vote on my poll thingy if you haven't already. I actually got several votes for option number four. Can you believe that? HAHAHA!
Like I'm not already secured a place in heaven? Who would entertain them up there?

See ya tomorrow...