I've decided that I'm going to start taking Geritol.
I swear to God I need it.
Normally I wouldn't even consider something like that but it's for my own safety.
I had to go to the grocery store yesterday...
On Elderly Hell day...
Yep.
I got home safely, but barely.
The whole day had started off kind of shitty so by the time I hit up Krogers I thought I could take on the world.
WRONG!
The world of dentures and support hose and blue hair is still a world that I'm not acquainted with.
It's a scary, scary world and they people who live in it HATE MY GUTS!
"DIE BLONDE GODDESS, DIE!!!"
The trip to Krogers is dangerous in itself. I'm taking my own life into my hands just driving to the store. Then I have to watch out constantly to keep from being flattened in the parking lot.
"What big eyes you have Grandma. Too bad they don't help!"
What I don't understand is WHY there are so many of them out at the stores on Tuesdays. They don't eat that much and damnit, this is the third Tuesday of the month. I thought I'd be kind of safe....you know...some of them wouldn't go out because they'd already been to the store on the first of the month. What the hell happened? Plus it was COLD out. I mean, what's going on here?
"It's my turn to go to the grocery store to look for the Blonde Goddess today. I'm hoping for an opportunity to "get" her so I'll win those Bob Evans gift certificates this month."
You'd think there were prizes involved...
The trip through the store wasn't CRAZY or anything, just slightly unnerving. They were watching me from every isle....near the buttermilk....near the cat food....near the cans of pea soup. I KNEW I was being watched.
I half expected one of them to pull out a gun and cap my ass...
"This shot will get me a new Scooter!"
I know I have written about the way these elderly women plot against me. I KNOW what they are planning. I'm on to them and their evil ways...
BUT, what I want to know is WHO is behind this evil plot to abuse me? Who is the mastermind? What horrific thing have I done to warrant this kind of abuse?
"And when I tasted her peanut butter fudge at the Fall Festival, I knew I had to take her out before others discovered hers tasted better than mine."
God, it's hard telling WHAT I did to piss the ringleader off...
I've been looking for their blog, or newsletter, webpage...or whatever it is..that targets me and gives hints on how to torment me or where to locate me.
I can't find it...but I KNOW it exists.
I'm sure that's where they are offered prizes and various discounts or awards for abusing me.
"And this week's prize is a pair of support hose, a years supply of denture cream AND a ChemLawn treatment for your yard. Just submit your "I abused the Blonde Goddess" story and you will be eligible for this week's spectacular prizes!"
All I know is that someday I'm going to be older and by shit, I will NOT be like them!!!
I have plans for my retirement. I already know what I'm going to look like when I'm 80.
"That's right. Grannie is a hottie."
I plan to take up riding too...I'm gonna be a biker chick.
NO!NO! Not that kind of bike. This kind of bike!!!
This is the kind of bike that puts the fun between your legs!
(And yes, I plan to still be doing that on a regular basis too. Like I wouldn't be...duh!)
Speaking of which, Mr.Man is home for 10 days.
Hmmm....
I gotta go. *Grin*...maybe him being home won't be such a bad thing after all, mmm?
Tuesday is Senior Citizen Discount day. They get something like 5% off their total grocery bill. THAT is why they're out on Tuesdays. I shop on Mondays... that's just "group home day" LOL.
ReplyDeleteETW- every day here at our local WalMars is "group home day".
ReplyDeleteGoddess- my papaw, for some unknown but possibly that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger reason, used to force me to take Geritol when I was 5. Perhaps he saw upcoming senility and hoped to push it back a little.
Didn't work.
I keep going to Walmart trying to find out when is the day for "Woman looking to make bad decisions.". I haven't found the right day yet :(
ReplyDeleteOurs is "electric cart" day. They hog the entire aisle! (And no - I am not making fun of the handicapped - I make fun of the lazy who ride the in-store carts just "because").
ReplyDeleteOne time one of the "cart people" fell off his seat trying to reach a box of crackers and fell on the floor. My husband noticed but instead of helping the man up, he just handed him the crackers. And the man sincerely thanked him for it (from the floor).
There are some messed up people out there and apparently my husband is one of them.
Our closest Kroger is 20 miles away, and I avoid it like the plague. I've read too many of your stories to chance it.
ReplyDeleteHere's the deal: 5% off on Tuesdays at Kroger and Foodland (which you probably don't have, but we do, in Parkersburg), if you're over 60. That's why all the main roads turn into Alzheimer's Boulevard on Tuesdays. Hint: they don't come out until the afternoon, so get everything done in the AM!
ReplyDeleteI think I saw Dubya is some of those pics
ReplyDeleteI am pretty sure old people are plotting to take over the world by starving us to death by making it fucking impossible to shop without putting our lives in danger.
ReplyDeleteOf course you the Blonde Goddess have not doubt trained your man slave well to provide service on demand.
We call that day 'Blue-Hair Tuesday'
ReplyDelete