I REALLY need to get things under control here, ya know?
The other morning I looked for a fork and there weren't any clean ones. So I checked through the pile of silverware in the sink and couldn't find any.
WTF?
I walked through the kitchen AND dining room and still couldn't find any.
So I ate my STUPID breakfast with my fingers and then went upstairs to take a shower.
I'm a messy eater. What can I say?
Once I got out of the shower and dried off, I couldn't locate the hair dryer.
So I searched the bathroom and when I couldn't find it there, I searched the girls room.
Guess what I found?
40 FUCKING FORKS!
WHAT IN THE HELL????
As I stood there scratching my head in confusion, I noticed that one of the forks had some kind of mung on it that resembled a dried turd.
Is Miss KIA scratching her ass with my forks????
I'm completely lost on this one folks! I can't even BEGIN to imagine what she's been doing with the forks in her room.
IF and I do say IF, she is scratching her ass with the forks, why on earth didn't I bother to teach her better than that???
Me: Girl...When your ass itches, pull your pants out and scratch it with your pointing finger. Then use that stuff in the dispenser they call "soap" and wash your damn hand with it.
Miss KIA: My butt never itches mother. Please leave me alone while I do this Quantum Physics homework. (Stares at me like I'm an Amoeba.)
Me: EVERYONE'S ASS ITCHES SOMETIMES! JUST DO WHAT I SAY!!!
Miss KIA: (Pulling a fork out of the back of her pants) Mother. Why don't you take this fork and go have a piece of cake. Yummy for the good little mommy.(Uses incredible brain power to will me out of the room)
Her brain power is VERY persuasive...I can't help myself...
God...I don't know where I went wrong. I have TRIED to raise a good little eccentric genius child but it's HARD, ok?
IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT MY SWEET ADORABLE INTELLIGENT PAMELA ANDERSON LOOK-ALIKE HAS THESE BIZARRE HABITS!!!!
(I actually discovered chocolate cake crumbs and plates shoved under Veggie Sticks bed. THANK GOD!So it wasn't poop encrusted forks laying on the floor in her room...)
So how could I tell that Miss KIA was the guilty one in this crime?
Because Veggie Stick doesn't eat. And when she does, it's not normally cake. Plus Miss KIA would love nothing better than to wake up to the terrified screams of Veggie Stick beating cock-roaches off her.(thus the cake plates under her bed and not Miss KIA's.)
Now do you see why I drink?
The stable smell is coming from the basement.
The farm animals are getting old and lazy.
AND FAT!
My big BIG cat is too fat to use the bathroom in the litter box anymore. I got the giant cat box (almost the size of a kiddie pool) and he STILL can't hit the stupid box!
It's nasty.
He's getting cranky in his old age too.
He prowls through the house yelling "M-OW! M-OW!" at the top of his little kitty lungs and throws himself against the doors of any rooms that are closed.
He HATES closed doors. (I think he may be J Edgar Hoover reincarnated.)
M-OW!
As much as I hated to, we had him de-clawed.Our vet at the time said we might want to consider it.He didn't normally advocate de-clawing an animal, but said our cat would rip our new puppy to shreds and then eat her.
So we had him de-clawed. And since he was already fixed, I believe he felt his manhood had been taken from him entirely. So now he lives to eat, sleep, poop and torment us, not necessarily in that order.
Speaking of torment, I really have to stop now and go sew things. I have obligated myself(in a moment of intoxication)to put a new zipper in a sequined dress. I am so fucking amazing am I not?
There better be a fresh bottle of Smirnoff in the freezer...
OK, we must really be related!!! Thedaughter (who is 29) still hoardes dishes and SPOONS in her room. WTF??? How hard is it to bring the stuff downstairs, when you have to come down anyway! Grrr.. I do believe our cats may be related also - 'nough said!!!
ReplyDeleteMy dog hoards forks and plates and spoons and stuff too. I've tried talking to her about it, but she just ignores me like I don't even exist. Why does she treat me like that?!
ReplyDeleteMy mom used to just be totally disgusted by my room. She said it resembled some sort of "science experiment". LOL. Then, I grew up and married a military man and got right with the getting tidy thing and now my own kids disgust me with their messes! Isn't that the circle of life, or something like that?
ReplyDeleteHA! when you said you couldn't find any forks, the first thing that came to my mind was "forking". it's some stupid thing the kids around here do...instead of putting toilet paper all over someone's yard, you stick forks in their yard. WTH?
ReplyDeleteI don't get it either....
trust me on this one, I work with the population, their cooking heroin.
ReplyDeleteWith my kids, it's always glasses. I usually find TONS of glasses in my boys' room.
ReplyDeleteAnd what's up with the denial? "Why are all these dirty glasses in your room?" "What glasses?" Like I'm going to say, "Oh, my bad... no glasses here. It must have been a trick of the light."
Kids cause brain damage.