I think people call them resolutions.
Anyway, here are a few I came up with.
1. I need to drink more often in 2008. I'm sober way too much and I don't like it one bit. I find it's easier to accept the things I don't want to accept if I'm intoxicated. I especially think that I need to be intoxicated in public more often. Don't ask why, just trust me on this one.
2. I need to stop allowing people to walk all over me. When someone tries to pull a fast one over on me, I should punch them in the damn teeth and be done with it. I haven't kicked someone's ass in a long time and I miss it. I'm grouchy a lot and these vampires would make a great target for my frustration.
3. I need to be naked more often. I hate laundry and this would be a great solution for me. As soon as everyone leaves for the day I need to strip down and be FREEE!!!! No more bleach stains on my clothes from cleaning out the tub! Instead I'll gain two more scrubbers and a bristle pad!!! I hate being dressed! The only exception to the rule will be if I cook with grease. Titties are sensitive and should not be spattered...
4. I need to cuss more. Sometimes when I want someone to move out of my way in Krogers, (like on Elderly Hell Day) I think that one, "Excuse me please." should be attempted but if that doesn't work then a "I asked you if you'd fucking move please!" probably would get faster results.
5. I need to force Mr.Man to have more sex with me. I know how to seduce so why the hell haven't I been doing that? I'm not opposed to handcuffs or other methods of restraint. I'm horny and damn it, I will be satisfied!!!
6. I need to be more honest and open about how I really feel about things. I hold back a lot and I think I would benefit from REALLY expressing myself, you know?
7. I need to be more respectful of my body. If I need to fart or belch, I should remember that it's a natural process and allow it to happen. I'm in tune with my body and it doesn't like it when I fight the urges to release gas. It hurts...
Well...seven things to begin with aren't bad.
Does anyone else have any resolutions? Or even better than that...does anyone have any resolutions for me that they think will serve to make me a happier woman?
The word for today is "dishes". I just KNOW I'm going to get Veggie Stick on this one all day long!!! Heh heh....
Tonight I plan to do absolutely nothing except, fart naked, drink and cuss, while kicking Mr.Man's ass to force him to have sex with me, explaining in detail what I want him to do. I figure it's important to begin using all seven of my resolutions as quickly as possible to enhance the quality of my life.
My mood for today?
I feel ornery...imagine that?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Along with my one sorry-ass resolution, I beleive I'll adopt some of these.
ReplyDeleteExcept I won't be asking your Mr. Man to have sex with me. You'll keep him busy enough, I'm thinking.
I think your spouse and mine ought to get together and discuss all the good reasons why they don't wish to have sex. Even though they enjoy the act on the rare instances they do participate, they can discuss in length all those reasons for rarely venturing into that arena. Apparently there must be some great reasons of which I know nothing, because damn, it seems to me that getting laid is one of the most fun things in life to do. Maybe they could even co-author a book and then possibly a documentary movie to educate all of us others who think sex is fun and a healthy thing to enjoy as often as possible. Because right now I'm in the dark (and curious) as to how I could be so wrong about this sex stuff.
ReplyDeleteI think your resolution rocked Tiff...there's nothing sorry about it. Just do it while naked, asking if they need any fucking help and then kick their ass if they try to take advantage of you.Then tell them what you really think while farting on the side of their head.
ReplyDeleteThis method, of course, should only be used while helping ingrates but you know...you could use all the resolutions.
See how everything can work together like that?
Scott...I don't know what's going on with it. I'm going to surf the web for illegal male hormone shots to give Mr.Man so he'll ravish me hourly. I haven't found anything yet, but I'm looking. You might try that with your woman (as long as some facial hair won't upset you too much)...
honey - if a tall, slightly overweight, middle-aged, ranting, gassy woman came running up to YOU wanting to help you out of trouble, would you take her up on it?
ReplyDeleteJust asking...
Um, Happy New Year too!
ReplyDeleteExcellent resolutions! I think you just might be able to accomplish each and every one of those!
ReplyDeleteAnd, and extra LMMFAO at Tiff!
Happy New Year! Nice resolutions!
ReplyDeleteTiff, ummm.... I'm game. I got no problems.
ReplyDeleteI think you've hit the nail on the head with the drinking and cussing.
ReplyDeleteNow pass that bottle, dammit....
I'm probably going to go with the more cussing this year, too.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year, Blonde Goddess!
Brendastolemyresolutions. OhandIresolvetominimizetheuseofspacesinsentences.
ReplyDeleteOr Vwls.