Things are growing in my house and they're trying to eat me...

I was digging around in the fridge last night trying to lay my hands on a piece of cheese when I felt something wiggling up my arm...



It scared the shit out of me!
I tried to pull my arm back, out of the cold wiggly things grasp, but it wasn't letting go. So I grabbed the empty half gallon vodka bottle out of the recycling, and poked it and beat it, until it released my arm.
When I pulled my arm free, it was covered with a combination of black beans, pork chop gravy and mashed potatoes...

I realized that I was lucky to be alive and that some serious steps to ensure my safety and the safety of my family HAD to be taken...

I headed upstairs and dug frantically through my dresser. Finally I found what I needed...
I dressed carefully, preparing for the dangerous task ahead of me.
When I was done, I looked myself over in the mirror and decided that it was time to kick some cold wiggly ass!



Just don't you worry where I got the rubber suit from, ok?

So...I headed downstairs to tackle the refrigerator. I armed myself with bleach and rags and several heavy duty trash bags to contain whatever beasts I found wrangling through the crisper drawer.

I dragged the spotlight out of the garage and set it facing the fridge. Now I was ready to take it on baby!

I opened the door, switched on the spotlight and there was total mayhem! Wriggling gelatinous beasts flew through the refrigerator, trying to hide from the light!I sprayed the ones I could see with bleach cleaner and they shuddered and slid to the bottom of the fridge in the last throes of death.

I quickly salvaged what I could of the food, and threw the rest of the stuff away, poking the dead blobs before picking them up and putting them in the bag with the everything else.
Once the fridge was empty,except for the crisper drawer, where I KNOW those BIG son-of-a-bitches were hiding, I sprayed down the interior REALLY well and then closed the door.
I gassed those bastards in the crisper drawer and sat down to have a drink while they were writhing in pain, dying...DYING I TELL YOU!

It seriously made me want to whip someone, ok?

As I waited, I decided to watch a little TV. So there I sat, in my latex suit, drinking vodka and cranberry juice, watching the cutest little ideas on this craft show.

DAMN! It made me feel all domestic and stuff. I was almost giddy thinking about the adorable little crafts I could make to decorate my house. I mean, come on here...EVERYONE needs adorable little candle holders made out of polymer clay and beads....right?



I was totally hooked on this show, mesmerized by how many polka dots there were on this chicks little apron when I was jolted out of my Susie homemaker fantasy by a slimy "WHAP" to the side of my head.

Don't ya know it?

One of those little bastards wasn't dead all the way before I threw it into the garbage bag...

I slapped the damn thing repeatedly, practically giving myself a concussion while trying to get it off my head, and when we were both good and dazed, I peeled it off me, then stomped on it until it was ground up real good in the carpet.

FUCK!!!NOW I'LL HAVE TO CLEAN THE CARPET TOO!

I laid on my back and took a deep breath.

This is how Mr.Man found me....laying on the floor...in my latex suit...dazed and slightly drunk...with a mashed blob ground into the carpet.



"Tammie....you know I had to work late today. I'm tired Goddamit! I already ate supper so I'm going to bed."

Er....

Asshole! I don't understand how he would get the impression I was trying to seduce him because I'm cleaning the refrigerator!!! I just don't understand men!!!

Of course I wasn't going to let his shitty attitude distract me from my mission. There was still the crisper drawer to contend with.

I staggered into the kitchen and armed myself with a butcher knife, which I don't do very often because..well...do I really need to explain that one? Then I threw the refrigerator door open and pulled the crisper drawer out, only to be greeted by an enraged blob flinging itself out of the drawer and attaching itself to my face!



We wrestled to the floor!
I punched at it...it wouldn't let go!!!
I rolled around frantically...I was suffocating...I began to black out!!!!

So I bit it.

Hmm...is that Monterey Jack cheese I taste?...and salsa...

Anyway...the son-of-a-bitch let go and I smashed it into oblivion.
Then I threw the contents of the entire crisper drawer out and finished scrubbing the inside.
The damn thing gleamed....

So...now the fridge is clean...I am the winner and the entire household is once again safe from the evil of forgotten leftovers...

Yep...needless to say, I'm awfully damn proud of myself today. So what's next you ask? I'm not sure. I mean....I'm a blonde goddess damn it. Not a housekeeper! I'll deal with the next crisis when it happens ok?

I think I'm going to go look in the fridge again and gloat at my victory...see ya tomorrow.