Meh...

Sorry about the absence again but I've been busy. I've crawled into bed exhausted around midnight and then crawled out of it at five to begin the entire madhouse dash the next day. I've felt like I've woken up with my hair on fire the past three days.

THAT'S the reason I haven't written for a couple of days....

Well...there's that and something else that's been on my mind.

I have a close friend I've know for three years now. I felt an instant connection with them and we became close. I can tell them anything...no...really. I feel that intimate with them.
But this week I thought about the past year or so and how distant they've become. In fact the last time I was with them, when I went to hug them, I felt awkward and uncomfortable. That was a couple of months ago and really, it's bothered me since then.
It's a hard thing to realize that someone you've been in such a close and intimate friendship with, has made you feel...I don't know...like you're hugging a stranger.

So I shot off an email and told them about it...said I didn't even know them anymore. We have grown apart and I just don't feel as close to them as I used to. I said I didn't think they really knew who I am and quite frankly, if you were to walk up to them and ask them a question about what I did last week, they wouldn't be able to tell you.
Hell...I don't even know what they did either.

It's not like we have ever had a lot of time for eachother, our families and other commitments have kept us from having time to even pick up the phone and say hi, let alone have lunch or something, but I've never felt awkward around them...not until recently. And what's worse is that this constant separation has caused me to question my ability to trust them. So now I don't even feel like I have anyone to confide the most troubling and embarrassing things to. I feel totally vulnerable to them, just like the rest of the world.

Ironic considering that I'm writing in here, right?

I'm trying to be brave.

So...no pictures or moods or laughs today. It's almost 11 P.M. and I just needed to write about this and get it off my chest.

I want thing to be the way they were three years ago when we first became friends. It was fun and lighthearted and we enjoyed talking to each other and seeing each other. We made time to do things together, with our kids. It was a mutual friendship...an equal relationship.
I felt like I had a friend I could rely on...turn to...trust.

I don't feel like I have those options anymore.
I don't even feel like I'm welcomed to be part of their life anymore.

So...I guess it's time to let go. They say if you set something free, if it's meant to be, it'll come back to you...

Let's see if it's meant to be or not.