Something to pass the time that's not alcohol related...

I'm getting ready to get on the road.
That's right folks!
I'm getting ready to leave for Maine!!!

Of course this is not going to happen without some difficulty.

My neighbor is being TOTALLY unreasonable and plans to have the HUMONGOUS tree in her front yard cut down while we are gone.
She's hired a complete RETARD to do it and he given me three sleepless nights because of it.



Ok...so maybe the guy above isn't a retard...just a reprobate...but the guy who's been hired to cut the tree down IS a retard.
If my house is destroyed while I'm gone, then the Goddess here is going to have to get very nasty.



If I do something that I can't get off on with an insanity plea, please send a cake with a dildo...maybe even a strap on. After all, I'm not going to be someone else's bitch in prison..I'll be calling the shots.

This Goddess is bad ass I'm telling you...

OK...well anyway. This is all I have for you today. I have a trillion things to do and I will be updating and reading blogs to the best of my ability.

Freya and the Caveman will be staying at my house so I suppose I could ask her to update for me, but she tends to be a pessimist and honestly she doesn't have the same twisted humor I do. In fact I don't think any of my children inherited it..

Damn...I might have to work on that...

LUVS!

Green stuff...

I'm really sorry.
I got nothing today.
Stress but other than that, nothing.

All I can think about it getting the hell out of town and heading toward a place where things are green and the sky is huge and there are people who love me...who miss me and who won't yell at me or ignore me or pick fights with me over stupid shit that doesn't matter.

I need to sit by the lake and drink my fill of things that make me happy and make me strong....



An entire year...that's how long it has to last me. It's been two since I was last home. Two long...very long and lonely years.

Next week at this time I will be feeling myself relax...I'll be feeling loved and cherished again...peaceful and safe.

Oh to feel like someone is taking care of me...that's a good feeling.

It would be nice if that feeling weren't such a stranger...

Alive.
Alive is the word I'm looking for.
I can't wait to feel alive.
Right now I am a robot, programmed for service and doing my best to make it happen.

Lush...thriving...welcoming...



Home...I just need to go home. It's been too long.

Salad shooters and alien abductions...

You learn a lot of interesting things about people when you spend a substantial amount of time around a large gathering..well...like at the ball field.

For example, I met a couple of new people over the weekend as I served slushies and lent them an ear.

One lady, who seemed very nice and very straight laced surprised me when she looked me up and down and asked me...



"Are you a stripper?"

"What the hell?"

"Well, you look familiar and that's where I thought I'd seen you before."

"Nope...mistaken identity."

As she walked away I'm thinking to myself,"Is there a strip club for people who like chubby chicks with stretch marks and floppy tits cause that's where I'D be dancing in MY birthday suit."

Then there was the guy who told me ALL ABOUT his alien abduction experience.
Yep...you heard me right....
He was abducted by aliens AND he told me that they all looked like the little green guy on Futurama...



His name is Kiff and yes...I am VERY proud to say that I am a Futurama fan.

ANYWAY..this guy went on to explain how he was abducted by aliens one weekend in the late seventies when he and some of his friends were camping near a little place called Peter's Creek here in West Virginia.
He said they'd been hanging out drinking and doing some acid..(NO! REALLY?)..when the sun turned into a space ship and these little green men climbed out of it and took him aboard. He said he doesn't remember anything about it after that but knows they probed him because his ass hurt.
(That's when I bit my tongue to keep from laughing.)

My guess?
They all got drunk and high and in the midst of the acid trip one of the other guys decided to find out what it felt like to commit sodomy on his spaced out friend.

Of course I nodded appropriately and interjected an occasional, "oh really?" or "wow" into the conversation but...you know...WHAT do you SAY to someone telling you something like this?
Honestly if it had been me telling the story I would have left out the part about my ass hurting the next morning.

And what's even more amazing is that I saw this guy walking around telling other people the same story...

Then a friend of mine who's a nurse told me about a man who'd come into the ER with a cucumber stuck in his ass.
That's not the funny part of it.
This guy is in his late sixties and apparently wanted to experiment but didn't want anyone to know what the cucumber was doing in his ass so he told the people in the ER that hid refrigerator blew up and the cucumber got lodged in his ass when it happened.

"OH MY GOD! MY REFRIGERATOR IS GOING TO BLOW UP! ASSUME THE POSITION!"



The term "salad shooter" just kept going through my mind.

There was an older guy there too wearing what appeared to be women's sunglasses.
Now if that's his thing, then I don't care. To each their own. I just didn't think it looked right on him. It didn't look good.
Now had he been wearing a tiara or something with them, then I think it might have worked for him, you know?



There was the hail storm from hell to contend with yesterday as well. It was crazy. The hail was the size of marbles and we tried to cram everyone beneath the shelter so they didn't get pounded. Or struck my lightening. The lightening was bad...it worried me.
Of course we survived and after an hour of working on the field and trying to clean up, we were still able to play ball the rest of the day.
I'll be heading back to the salt mines again today along with the rest of them. That's one thing I have to say...the majority of our board members have been over there working their asses off. It shows too because our fields and the facilities look pretty damn nice.

That's all I have today for ya...see you tomorrow.

Fessin up....

Maybe it's not apparent but there are quite a few days when I'm pretty miserable.
I deal with my misery using humor, so the funnier it is, the more shredded my insides are.

Of course there are the days when I try to look for something funny to take my mind off things and it just doesn't happen for me.

Today is one of those days.

Sometimes at the end of the week I feel like I'm buried in cement and the straws leading from my nostrils to my only oxygen supply are mangled and pinched. I try to catch my breath and I just can't.
Needless to say...I find some place to be alone and then I break down. Then after I've let it all out, I pick everything up again and cram it back inside and move on.

I think that cramming it all back is part of the problem...(Hey, at least I've figured that much out.)

How to fix it?

That's what I haven't figured out...so I write in here and it helps.

There was one guy I used to have on my blog roll who ridiculed me for saying that my blog was therapy.
At first I was hurt.
I know that sounds stupid, but I thought he enjoyed reading and for some odd reason I figured that since he read it, he liked me.
Hmmm...well I've since learned that that's not always the case.
Then I began to think about it...
What does he know about me?
He only knows what I choose to show him...along with the rest of you.

Most days I choose to show you the therapeutic side of me...that's where the humor comes from.
But there's a lot more.
I just don't give it away that easy...it's hard to open up that protective barrier I've built.
Who likes to do that anyway?
So don't sell the Goddess here short.
She's a pretty complicated woman.
Broken up and self-repaired...
An optimist...always hopeful that things will go her way eventually even though most of the time they don't....
A survivor...a mountain climber...reaching toward dreams that are literally so far away she can't even see them clearly anymore...climbing faster and harder as the distance widens...

Of course I need to be careful that my dreams aren't conjured out of air, lacking substance and reeking of self-destruction.

I wrote a poem once about that self-destructive nature we all possess. You know...longing for what we don't have or what we THINK will make us happier.. Of course I think it's human nature to be discontented no matter how contented we become. That unknown territory...it calls to us.

Bet ya didn't know I wrote poetry huh?

The Longing...

The longing
that sits like a rock in our soul
Ever present
no matter what we offer it
Weighs upon us all
and we carry the burden

We push it in front
Allowing it to direct our path
And we drag it grudgingly behind us
Allowing it to drain our strength

We find the rock lifted
from our soul on occasion
A temporary release
We set it free
Skimming it across the waters of happiness
Ripples of pleasure filling us

We lie to ourselves and say we are content
Knowing in time
The longing will return
Once the calm returns
And the water reflects a mirror of tranquility.

By T.F. 9-10-04

And there is a little part of what makes me who I am, in case anyone was wondering. The humor has to be fueled by something after all...

Back to the funny stuff Monday.

I am cheap but still top quality....

Ok.
So this is the LATE update I promised. I wouldn't have imagined that it would be almost midnight but you know...at least I'm here.

Those bastards at the field worked me like a cheap whore. When I got home tonight I was sticky in places that I've never been sticky before...(and we're talking about me here so that's pretty bad.)

What did they have me doing, you ask?

I was making slushies.

Yep...that's me. The Slushie Queen...

The kids go WILD over those things. It's like a brain freeze sugar rush and they thrive on it.
As if they're not wild enough already.

Then there are the mommies who look like they've been dragged behind the car all the way to the field who ask me in a hushed voice...."Do you have anything "special" you can put in there?"
Of course I can't but I sure as hell would love to...not only for their benefit but mine too.

A few curious dad's wander over to my table as well and ask me stupid questions like, "When you drink one of those does it make your nipples hard?" and " Do you like it when the blenders make the table vibrate?"

WTF?

You're at your kid's ball game for fuck's sake!!! Get the hell away from me you perv!!!

Dumbasses...

Anyway...the ball field and the people responsible held me hostage all day...keeping me from all of you.

I WILL return tomorrow...and with pictures. As for tonight's post...I'm too pooped and sticky to give a shit...

See ya tomorrow!!! LUVS!!!

Things are growing in my house and they're trying to eat me...

I was digging around in the fridge last night trying to lay my hands on a piece of cheese when I felt something wiggling up my arm...



It scared the shit out of me!
I tried to pull my arm back, out of the cold wiggly things grasp, but it wasn't letting go. So I grabbed the empty half gallon vodka bottle out of the recycling, and poked it and beat it, until it released my arm.
When I pulled my arm free, it was covered with a combination of black beans, pork chop gravy and mashed potatoes...

I realized that I was lucky to be alive and that some serious steps to ensure my safety and the safety of my family HAD to be taken...

I headed upstairs and dug frantically through my dresser. Finally I found what I needed...
I dressed carefully, preparing for the dangerous task ahead of me.
When I was done, I looked myself over in the mirror and decided that it was time to kick some cold wiggly ass!



Just don't you worry where I got the rubber suit from, ok?

So...I headed downstairs to tackle the refrigerator. I armed myself with bleach and rags and several heavy duty trash bags to contain whatever beasts I found wrangling through the crisper drawer.

I dragged the spotlight out of the garage and set it facing the fridge. Now I was ready to take it on baby!

I opened the door, switched on the spotlight and there was total mayhem! Wriggling gelatinous beasts flew through the refrigerator, trying to hide from the light!I sprayed the ones I could see with bleach cleaner and they shuddered and slid to the bottom of the fridge in the last throes of death.

I quickly salvaged what I could of the food, and threw the rest of the stuff away, poking the dead blobs before picking them up and putting them in the bag with the everything else.
Once the fridge was empty,except for the crisper drawer, where I KNOW those BIG son-of-a-bitches were hiding, I sprayed down the interior REALLY well and then closed the door.
I gassed those bastards in the crisper drawer and sat down to have a drink while they were writhing in pain, dying...DYING I TELL YOU!

It seriously made me want to whip someone, ok?

As I waited, I decided to watch a little TV. So there I sat, in my latex suit, drinking vodka and cranberry juice, watching the cutest little ideas on this craft show.

DAMN! It made me feel all domestic and stuff. I was almost giddy thinking about the adorable little crafts I could make to decorate my house. I mean, come on here...EVERYONE needs adorable little candle holders made out of polymer clay and beads....right?



I was totally hooked on this show, mesmerized by how many polka dots there were on this chicks little apron when I was jolted out of my Susie homemaker fantasy by a slimy "WHAP" to the side of my head.

Don't ya know it?

One of those little bastards wasn't dead all the way before I threw it into the garbage bag...

I slapped the damn thing repeatedly, practically giving myself a concussion while trying to get it off my head, and when we were both good and dazed, I peeled it off me, then stomped on it until it was ground up real good in the carpet.

FUCK!!!NOW I'LL HAVE TO CLEAN THE CARPET TOO!

I laid on my back and took a deep breath.

This is how Mr.Man found me....laying on the floor...in my latex suit...dazed and slightly drunk...with a mashed blob ground into the carpet.



"Tammie....you know I had to work late today. I'm tired Goddamit! I already ate supper so I'm going to bed."

Er....

Asshole! I don't understand how he would get the impression I was trying to seduce him because I'm cleaning the refrigerator!!! I just don't understand men!!!

Of course I wasn't going to let his shitty attitude distract me from my mission. There was still the crisper drawer to contend with.

I staggered into the kitchen and armed myself with a butcher knife, which I don't do very often because..well...do I really need to explain that one? Then I threw the refrigerator door open and pulled the crisper drawer out, only to be greeted by an enraged blob flinging itself out of the drawer and attaching itself to my face!



We wrestled to the floor!
I punched at it...it wouldn't let go!!!
I rolled around frantically...I was suffocating...I began to black out!!!!

So I bit it.

Hmm...is that Monterey Jack cheese I taste?...and salsa...

Anyway...the son-of-a-bitch let go and I smashed it into oblivion.
Then I threw the contents of the entire crisper drawer out and finished scrubbing the inside.
The damn thing gleamed....

So...now the fridge is clean...I am the winner and the entire household is once again safe from the evil of forgotten leftovers...

Yep...needless to say, I'm awfully damn proud of myself today. So what's next you ask? I'm not sure. I mean....I'm a blonde goddess damn it. Not a housekeeper! I'll deal with the next crisis when it happens ok?

I think I'm going to go look in the fridge again and gloat at my victory...see ya tomorrow.

My finger smells funny....

Am I the only one who woke up this morning with my finger smelling like my cooter? (Hmm...that's a loaded question isn't it?....

I had this INCREDIBLE dream about the Man Ranch and while it seemed very realistic in the whole sensation department it was just part of the dream right?

Of course if I did,'ahem', pet the kitty in my sleep, I'm sure Mr.Man didn't so much as move. Then man can literally climb in bed and sleep through anything...
Anything that happens in the bed, that is.
I could kick start a jack hammer and ride it across my side of the bed repeatedly and the man wouldn't blink an eye, but if I were to run the scratchy end of a pin across one of his powder horns, he'd fly out of bed like someone had stuck a hot poker up his ass.

I'm not even lying...

He called and got me up this morning.
I had decided to sleep in, mainly because I haven't been sleeping well at night, and he called to tell me I should get up and see if the grass needs cut.



I showed him my cooter smelling finger, even though he was on the other end of the phone....

Yep...I'm just a special woman, with special, special feelings of love for her man...



Hmmmmm......

Today is Elderly Hell Day and goddammit, I'm not going to be trapped in my own home on account of it. I'm going to go out and do what I want, when I want and where I want because it's high time I stop allowing these insane old ladies to punk my ass...

Besides...I'm really in the mood to fight and it can almost be guaranteed that some old hag will get in my face and start something with me...
I don't know though...I heard the old bats got a new personal trainer...



I might get my ass kicked...Damn old bitches...all hating on me like that...Elderly Hellions!

Of course I COULD stay home today. I do need to clean and wash clothes and whatnot...Hell...I could even watch TV.
I watched some TV last night in fact. After several hours it felt like someone had opened up the top of my skull and poured it full of cement.

I'm just not a TV person...

I like to read...and listen to music...sing...dance...act stupid...fart and drink...belch and scratch myself in moist places.



I find other things to do with my time besides watching TV. I just kinda skate through life...just being the me that I am...

It's hard for some people to understand me although I'm not sure why that is...

Anyway, I have to get off here and drink a pot or two of coffee. Then I've got business to take care of.



That's right! So shut up! They say you should never go to the grocery store when you're hungry. Well I say that you should never start your day when you're stressed!

Bastards!