I lost my dolphins...the ones sexy bunny gave me.

So how was everyone's Easter?
I dressed Mr.Man up and played with his carrot....


"Are you hoppy to see me or did you stash a carrot in your pants for a late night snack?"

Ok...so I didn't dress him up.
But I did play with the carrot...heh heh heh...

Saturday we spent the entire day painting and working on back drops. Hell, I didn't even have time to do my shopping for my Easter menu until early Sunday morning.
I'm pleased that we got so much done, but it was a pain in the ass to have to devote the entire day to it.
On the plus side, large amounts of paint in closed quarters makes you feel a little silly...


"Why doesn't white paint tastes like a milkshake?"

Yeah..yeah..Don't worry. After a couple hours on the can, shitting myself to death, I recovered.

There were a few new developments between Frowie and Veggie Stick over the weekend. Apparently he's decided that he doesn't believe she cheated on him and while he's still wondering why her friend's boyfriend would say something like that to him if it's not true, he wants to try to work through it.
When they go back to school tomorrow, he's going to do damage control and repair what he's able to.
He apologized to our entire family as well.
I told Veggie Stick that she needs to make it clear to him that our family is targeted for rumors and all kinds of bullshit. If he's going to be with her, he needs to develop some thick skin and trust her or it's not going to last.
Oh yeah...we get to still go prom dress shopping now. They are going to the prom together again...


"Mary and Billy wanted to make sure no one else at the prom was wearing the same thing they were."

Believe me...if I hear Veggie Stick bitch about not wanting someone else to be wearing the same dress as her, she will end up in a dress like the one in the picture above.

Mr.Man and I have grown closer over the past week. I can't imagine not having him in my life and I am so thankful for our relationship.
As much as we can drive each other crazy and fight, we are a grounding force for each other too.
I have needed to lean on him a lot over the past week.
While I might come across as goofy and stupid and silly in my posts, my life is not like that a large majority of the time. I just need to focus on the fun and funny in order to keep my sanity and my somewhat optimistic view on life.


It's the insanity that keeps me sane...if that makes sense.

Yesterday my necklace broke in the grocery store. I am so freaking upset about losing it too. I tried to find a picture of me wearing it and I did find one, but you can't see it very well.


I wore that necklace ALL the time. Never took it off in fact.
Mr.Man gave it to me over ten years ago and said it represented our love...(dolphins mate for life and the stone would spin in the middle for eternity).
VERY ROMANTIC STUFF!
I googled and tried to find a picture of it and this is the closest thing I could find.
It's silver dolphins surrounding a cat's eye stone. Similar to this but not as unfinished...



I really wish I could find it.
Everyone in Krogers is looking for it, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed it will turn up.

Well, that's all I have today. I'm still waiting for my questions from Tiff, which I'm assuming she is putting a lot of thought into (so I am in major trouble here...LOL).
I cleansed the spirit and body over the weekend and I'm ready for whatever she throws at me...


"Open up Blonde Goddess, here it comes!"

It should turn out to be entertaining to say the least...

Hope you're all having a great day!

The ritualistic cleansing of the Goddess...

There's something about being the only person awake in a house of chaos,like mine, to make you stop and ask yourself a few questions.



Questions like...
"Am I insane?"
"If I ran away from home how long would it take before they noticed?"
and
"Would prison really be SO terrible?"

You don't have any idea....

Of course based on the past week, the thought of prison was looking better and better. Then I remembered I'd be in the women's prison and realized how much it would suck.
Women=Drama and I've had enough of that fucking bullshit.
Couldn't they just put me in with the men?



They're already restrained. How fucking sweet is that? I wouldn't even have to work hard to get laid.

Speaking of drama, Frowie is not the one responsible for starting the rumor. He just believed it. Actually a boyfriend of one of Veggie Stick's close friends is the boy who called Frowie and said Veggie Stick had cheated on him. I wish he'd been smarter than to believe this asshole, but I think he felt it was a credible source.
The whole thing is a mess.
And Frowie is terribly hurt. He keeps calling VS and texting her because honestly, I think he still loves her and wants to be with her.
I have been doing my best to stay out of it.
Drinking helps, but if you have a 16 year old daughter, then you know they feel obligated to tell you EVERY time they're upset about something.
In fact, they tell you LOUDLY and OFTEN.

Pass the vodka and a shot glass.



Mr.Man has been great all week.
But he won't have sex.
Doesn't he realize that I NEED sex to cope with stress?
He said I "hurt" him the last time we had sex.
Whatever.
I did not "hurt" him and it's not my fault that he has back aches.
I actually make an effort to take it easy on the man and if he wants me to "hurt" him, that could be arranged.


"Was it good for you too honey?"

I'm anxiously awaiting Tiff's questions and wondering what's in store for me. She has been asking for HELP and I'm worried. Not only will I be interviewed by a genius like Tiff, she is enlisting the help of other geniuses as well. If you have any suggestions, head on over HERE and give her your ideas.

I have been preparing for the interview with ritualistic cleansing ceremonies. I will be in top form when she hands me the list....

I began my ritual by placing all the bad karma in yellow balloons. There was 33 balloons full of bad karma(where the hell did all the bad karma come from?). Once I got rid of it, I let them go in the back yard where they all blew into my neighbors yard and his nasty dog freaked out and while barking wildly, managed to pop all of them except for two. I don't know who will be the recipient of the bad karma in those two balloons but that dog is fucked.


"Joseph and Lewis had no idea that picking up those two yellow balloons would result in the bad karma that would cause them both to contract leprosy on their genitalia."

The second thing I did was remove all the chicken from the house.
We ate the chicken I had in the freezer and I got rid of all chicken pictures and toys....(boo hoo..my rubber chicken is gone!)


"You bitch! After everything we've been through together!"

Yes...unfortunately removing the chicken was necessary for my courage to increase and prepare me for what ever questions I will need to answer.

I then ate three jars of pickles.
This will fortify my body with vinegar which allows me to preform in inner-douche of the digestive system. This allows me to consume large quantities of alcohol over the weekend without it being tainted by anything else. I should be able to piss pure vodka by Sunday evening.


"The Blonde Goddess vodka distillery. The vodka is aged for 24 hours in the pristine bladder of the Blonde Goddess herself."

Hmm...I guess I just told you about my plans to fortify myself with vodka all weekend so that leaves the last phase of the ritual.
The yogurt.
I will rub yogurt on my body as I drink vodka.
I'm probably going to have to do this in the bathtub or maybe on a large plastic sheet.
This last part of the ritual will ensure that no one, and I mean NO ONE, will bother me with any bullshit (because of the stench of yogurt and the sight of me slathered in yogurt while passed out drunk) AND I will be able to free my mind of all worry, all stress and be open to all questions and able to answer truthfully and without hesitation.


"DAMN I'm starting to smell like a nasty yeast infection!"

I know some of you might think I'm going a little overboard, but I've never been interviewed before.
This is big for me.

Anyway, I'm going to continue the cleansing and preparations.
I hope everyone has a great weekend and is anticipating the interview as much as I am.
I'll be ready for it...


"BRING IT ON!"

Freaks arrive and Queen's alive!

This weekend was difficult.
I felt completely annoyed all day Saturday.
I got up at the butt crack of dawn and got ready.
I always begin my day with coffee but decided I needed something a little stronger...


"Vodka! Breakfast of the Blonde Goddess!"

I was leaving for an entire day of Spandex Hell.
Do you have any idea what that's like?
Yeah, I can show you pictures of it but you still don't actually KNOW what kind of torture I suffer at these things....


"We are the champions, my friend!"

They have almost managed to ruin my love of Queen. Do the directors not know of any other groups songs to butcher?

Of course no edition of Spandex Hell would be complete without the Jowl Woman, Butt Butt and Delusional Mama. And to add to the whole thing, Jowl Woman brought the Lone Ranger with her.
He sulks around and follows her like a puppy dog.
Then he sits and stares into outer space, pretending like he's not paying attention. Secretly, I think he places himself in a self-induced coma and he's not aware of what's going on around him...


"La,la,la and all the pretty little ponies."

Of course Jowl Woman watches him like a hawk because she is insecure and insane and thinks someone will try to steal him away from her.
If he so much as SPEAKS to anyone, she feels as though she's in danger of losing her man to another woman.


"I will kill that Blonde Goddess bitch if she even looks at my man!"


Trust me...she doesn't have anything to worry about.

I wandered around the school, watching people in between shows. There were quite a few interesting people there.

One guy, who was obviously dressed to inform the entire world that he's most likely a member of the militia, claimed a boy dressed like this as his son.


"Here we see Billy Ray Jr. dressed in the designer look "I hate my father and despise everything he stands for", clearly worn to announce to the world that he is NOTHING like his father."

Then there was this other lady who sat and watched shows all day. She didn't actually seem to be there to watch anyone in particular.She was dressed a little over the top. I couldn't help but notice her.
She was one weird lady.
At least I THINK she was a lady...


"Arnold wondered if anyone could tell he wasn't really a woman."

Last but not least there was one mother there who HAD to be either drunk or under the influence of some major drugs. She was practically falling down and NO...it wasn't me. I'm not that stupid. When I drink, I don't pass out in public. For shame if you were thinking that!

A saw her in the parking lot when I walked outside to get a breath of fresh air.


"Lillian never really got over not being chosen for her school's show choir."

Some people take that shit so seriously. I'm not one of them. It's something my kids enjoy but it's not their whole life. It's just expensive and time consuming.

Anyway, that's pretty much a recap of my day at Spandex Hell. Thankfully it's the last one for this year and I'm THRILLED!
In fact I went out drinking with some friends afterward and we had a blast! It certainly made up for suffering through the day.

The prom dress shopping fell through and in light of the break up and current nightmare situation at school, I guess it's probably a good thing that we didn't find a dress.

Well that's all I got. I suppose I'll be back tomorrow to let you know how Veggie Stick's day went today. So far it's been bad, but not as bad as she thought it would be.

See ya tomorrow.

And the winnah is.....

TIFF!

Tiff gets to interview me! She really worked it baby. She whored all the people she knew to get over here and vote for her.



So I'm preparing mentally...

Now...real quick I'll fill you in on the bullshit that transpired yesterday.

First of all, I'd like to make a quick point.
A large majority of teens today think they have their shit together.
NOTHING seems to shock them....they're bi-sexual, pierce their genitals and try drugs just for shits and giggles.

At least these three things cover the majority of the kids who attend Veggie Stick and Miss KIA's school.

So please explain to me how these same worldly people can appear to be so outraged by a rumor that someone has cheated on their boyfriend?

Yes people...that was the crisis that hit my household yesterday.

Frowie broke up with Veggie Stick because he believed a rumor that she'd cheated on him with another boy.

A rumor...

Then he went to school and told everyone. They, in turn, not only sent Veggie Stick nasty "You're a whore"..."You're a slut" text messages all day, she even got them from people she doesn't even know.
AND to make matters even worse they made the effort to tell kids that go to school with Little Beatle. Kids in HIS school were making comments about his sister being a slut.
He went to the bathroom and texted me to come pick him up around 1:30. He said he felt sick but he was really just VERY upset.

When Miss KIA got home, she said random people she who don't even know her or Veggie Stick were coming up to her and asking her what it was like to have a whore for a sister.

I suppose I don't need to tell you that both Frowie and Veggie Stick are popular kids. Maybe that even has a lot to do with it.
But you know, I don't remember people attacking with such viciousness when another popular girl, who had hid her pregnancy from her parents for five months, finally told them about it and showed up at school one day, over five months pregnant and definitely showing it.

I don't get it.
And I certainly don't understand the nature of this attack.
I actually had to involve the vice principal in it because of the unlimited amount of nasty, threatening texts people sent Veggie Stick.
I could understand it if it was coming from people who are friends with Frowie, but this is widespread and is involving the entire school. AND it spilled over into Little Beatle's school.

Is this normal behavior for teens?
Because if it is, then our country is in trouble.

It's a rumor....it's not even true.
A RUMOR has turned my entire family's life upside down.

Today, I have to take Veggie Stick in to the school to meet with the counselor and talk with her. Then I will talk to the vice principal again.

I don't know what to do.
And while Miss KIA did go to school today, she didn't want to. She was being harassed too.
Little Beatle is still home and I will take him in late. The counselor at his school is doing damage control there.

I would have NEVER in a million years ever believed something like this could turn into such a volatile situation.
And I would have NEVER believed that something like this could have so much influence on such a "broad minded and worldly" group of kids.

Yeah...apparently you can be gay or bi and pregnant and you can drink and get high and pierce everything that's showing and not showing but if you're popular and someone says you've cheated on your boyfriend, then you are crucified and that whole, "Live and let live" attitude flies right the fuck out the window.

I may be occupied with this situation for a few days but I'll try to keep you posted. Right now my priority is to find a way to allow my children to go to school and get an education without being targeted and harassed.

I'm sure it will take Tiff a few days to think of some real good stuff to ask me anyway....

Asshole!

I'm really pissed off today.
I've tried to shake it off, but I'm still mad as hell.

Last night I tried to help someone out by warning them about a situation I was aware of that could potentially get them in a lot of trouble. AND I tried to diffuse things so it wouldn't go any further than it had.
I was concerned, you know?

And instead of being grateful for my concern and help, I got accused of starting shit.

Whatever.

Fuck em...that's what I say.

You know, it would be different if I wasn't supposed to be friends with this person, but it's apparent to me that they are not my friend. Hell, they don't even know who I am if they're accusing me of doing something to potentially hurt them.I should have known better though.
We've had our disagreements before and I am always accused of being the bad guy...doing something bad...having bad motives for things.
Yet I've kept going back and allowing them to treat me like shit.

Well I'm done with it.

There will be no more chances. Not that this person would EVER apologize anyway. It's not in their vocabulary.

I wish I was as fucking perfect as they think they are...

And that's about all I have to say for today.

I'll be back tomorrow with a recap of the Spandex Hell weekend...good times with lots of interesting stories. Plus I'm taking the girls prom dress shopping tonight. If that's not blog fodder I don't know what is.

And don't forget to vote on the poll. Looks like Tiff is winning but that could change...one day of voting left.

Sorry for bitching today but you know, a woman can only take so much. Sometimes I'm going to have a bad day and be in a sour mood.
I'll get over it....it's not worth staying mad about.

Be back tomorrow...

I'm not a drug user but I go on trips anyway....

Does anyone else have these "episodes" where they feel like they're zoned out to the point of floating on a different dimensional plane?

Or is it just me?


"Where am I and why do I look like a Kroger birthday cake?"

I am not a drug user and never have been.
I like to be in control of what I'm doing and I don't care much for the "purple haze" feeling.
Even when drinking, I keep it low key and I've only blacked out once. That was a tequila night and I did shots. I try to avoid tequila now because it makes me insane and naked.
As we all know, I don't need any help with that.
But yeah...it's this medicine. It makes me feel weird some days. Once I'm completely used to it, I'll be able to get up and keep going but in the meantime, some days I need to lie back down again. Like today. So some days my posts may be a little late until I get adjusted.

Jowl woman is probably pissed off at me.
I didn't really DO anything to her, it's just something I said. And honestly I'm not even the one who started it.
See...her husband has started wearing a white cowboy hat.
And don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with wearing a cowboy hat. People in Texas and other areas wear them all the time.


"Does this hat make me look smarter?"


Gee George, I don't think a hat is gonna do it for you...

On some people a cowboy hat looks sexy...


"Look! It's an all day sucker dressed up in a cowboy hat!"

MMM...MMM...MMMM...

Ahem...ok. Getting back to what I was saying..
It's just not common to wear a cowboy hat here in West Virginia, unless you're going to a country western bar or a concert.
Anyway, Jowl woman's hubby wears his cowboy hat to work. He apparently wears it with his business suit. And it doesn't look bad on him, it's just like I said, it's a little out of place for here.
Well, the other night when we were both picking our kids up from practice, Jowl woman told her daughter to hurry up because daddy was waiting in the car for them. The daughter asked, "Is he wearing that stupid hat?"...to which Jowl woman replied,'Yes, he's wearing that stupid hat. Now hurry up."
The daughter then made a remark about him looking like the Lone Ranger.
Of course I couldn't pass that up.
I tried...I really did...but I finally had to turn to Jowl woman and ask her...

"Does that mean you're Tonto?"

She wasn't impressed.


"I saw you looking at the Blonde Goddess! You want her! I know it! I hate you!"
"Tonto, don't be an asshole!"

HAHAHAHA!
I am so wicked!

I found an interesting book I think I'd enjoy.It's a book about useless and gross information about your body. I think I'd find that interesting...


"Don't eat your boogers? I wonder what it says about farting?"

What kind of useless information could there be in that book?
It mentions a section on what human flesh tastes like and how astronauts take a shit in space.

Cool.
About the booger eating...what if your boogers are yummy?

"Fruity pebbles!"

Ok...so that kind of even grossed me out.
(Not really...)

Tomorrow is another edition of Spandex Hell! I'm so fucking excited I can't stand it. If it weren't for the drinking I will do with my friends following the long, LONG day of singing, dancing, back biting drama, I'd be pulling my hair out by handfuls.
There is the knowledge that it's the last one this year, so that makes me happy. I'm ready for a break from it and believe me, I need a break from it.

Of course that doesn't mean I won't be tormented by my children's activities.
Little Beatle is running track and I got to attend a FIVE HOUR TRACK MEET LAST NIGHT!


"FIVE FUCKING HOURS!!!"

That, my friends, is a story for another day. I haven't got it in me to replay the entire thing in my head right now.

Hope you all have a great weekend and don't forget to vote for the lucky person who'll get to interview me over on the poll thingy. I'm leaving it up over the weekend and a couple of days next week. Make your friends vote for you if you're in the running. No question will go unanswered!

See ya Monday!

APRIL FOOLS!...served with a little lard.

How'd you like my April Fools joke?
I didn't post anything yesterday.
That was the joke.

Ok...so it was a lame joke, but it was the joke I played on all of you just the same.


GOT YA!!!!

Mr.Man and I have got to change our diet.
We are both very out of shape...
Last night we got busy doing the horizontal Cha-Cha and when we were finished we were so worn out I thought we were going to have to administer CPR to each other. Plus I think I have a slight concussion because in the middle of things I suffered a blow to the head from Mr.Man's elbow. (If he was thinking of knocking me out so he could sodomize me, he should know by now that I prefer to be awake for that...hehehe)
Anyway...we both got worn out and not just slightly...
We are in bad shape. He had to take a sick day today and he's hobbling around holding his back.
That's pretty bad...
So it's time for us to go on a diet.
We're not as young as we used to be. We need to lay off the lard...


Speaking of lard...
When I was a kid I saw a can of lard on the counter and asked my Nana what it was. She said, "It's lard. You use it for baking."
Apparently it had an impact on me because I named my doll, "Lardine".
This is a picture of me with her.


"The Blonde Goddess and her baby doll Lardine."

Who the hell names their baby doll Lardine?

I'm going to lunch today with ETW, BuzzardBilly and Inanna...

That should be fun.


"I'm ready to go to lunch!"

Mr.Man is home today and that makes it tough to concentrate. I am thinking about his nudity as we speak....

Yes. I am a fuck monster.

Anyway. I know this post is lame just like the April Fools joke but I'm done. I wasn't inspired to write this morning. I have sex on the brain. It can't be helped.

I'm a perverted nymophomaniac and I'm woman enough to admit it. Hmmm...I may have time to abuse Mr.Man before I have to leave for lunch....


"Let's ride Mr.Man!"

I'll be back tomorrow...