White as a ghost?

Last night at the dinner table, one of Veggie Sticks friends turned white and couldn't speak.
Of course Mr.Man and I thought maybe she was choking or something, so we both rushed out of our chairs to help her.
Just as we got up, she stammered, "I just saw a little boy standing behind you Veggie Stick. He was white and glowing. Didn't anyone else see him?"

Of course no one else saw him.
There was a total of eight of us at the dinner table and Veggie Stick was sitting next to me. The rest of the crowd was busy grabbing their food before it disappeared.

Regardless of what it is that Veggie Stick's friend saw, it brought to mind Little Beatle's imaginary friend.
He acquired an imaginary friend when we moved into our house ten years ago. He was three and that's normally the time that most kids get an imaginary friend, so we didn't think that much about it.
He called him, "Ghost friend."
Hey..it's not Ralph or Bert or Tootles but it's what he chose to call him.

Honestly we didn't think that much about it.
He'd spend hours playing with Ghost friend in his room or outside in the yard. He'd make comments about Ghost friend sitting next to him watching TV or eating lunch with him...you know...normal imaginary friend stuff.

A couple of weird things happened with Ghost friend...
One of the things that made us wonder about Ghost friend, is that Little Beatle told us that Ghost friend said the bathroom used to be his bedroom. Little Beatle was only four years old when he told us that. And it's true that the bathroom used to be a bedroom in this house. My house is almost 100 years old. They did some remodeling in the thirties which included putting a bathroom in upstairs.
We thought that was weird...

Then when Little Beatle was five, we went to Massachusetts to visit our friends, The Bread Beast, Gucci Gal and their son, Hockey Pro.
We arrived at their house, settled in, slept, then got up spent the day touring Boston.
When we got back to the house later that night, Little Beatle goes up to Gucci Gal and says, "Ghost friend is outside on the roof and wants to know if he can come inside."

Well my friend, FLIPS OUT!
She tells Little Beatle that there's no room in the house for Ghost friend,(in a very nice voice) and then comes down stairs and demands, "WHO THE HELL IS GHOST FRIEND!?".

Ghost friend, imaginary friend...it all seemed the same to us.Gucci Gal was horrified that we were so casual about it.

But last night REALLY upset Veggie Stick's friend.
She was truly afraid and white as a ghost....
I don't know what to make of it, but I do know that her reaction was real.

So does this mean we have the ghost of a four or five year old boy in our house?



Who knows?

I know some people don't believe in ghosts.
What do you think?

I lost the gladiator fight today so Miss KIA is getting ready to do homework on the computer...I'll sure be glad when next week comes and I can have the computer all to myself during the day again...

Hopefully I'll get back here tomorrow...see ya then.

It was easier when they were little and squirmy...

I AM VICTORIOUS!


Yes....I won the first round in "Gladiator!Who will dominate the computer?"

Veggie Stick didn't even want to participate. She is busy spending her week sleeping all day until her friends come over or it's time for her to leave to go do something.

So I only had to whoop Little Beatle and Miss KIA.

Little Beatle has turned into quite the handful. It was a lot easier to get him in a head lock when he was a toddler. Damn! I actually had to stomp on his foot and then give him a dose of my "dead goat saturated in coffee" breath to get him in a head lock.

Dirty tactics I know but whatever...I won.

Miss KIA was more difficult to beat.


"Miss KIA drinking water in preparation for battle."

She's taller than me and then there are the "weapons of mammary destruction." I thought for sure that I would suffocate and found myself maneuvering my head upward to gasp for air.
I finally let a fart that rivaled all farts. Miss KIA gagged and covered her mouth and when she did,I dropped to the ground and took her feet out from beneath her. Then I pinned her down.

And here I am!

The things I go through in order to get a little enjoyment out of life.

That's why I blog you know...I enjoy it.Well it's that and the fact that my head would completely explode if I didn't empty all that blah, blah, blah stuff out of it.
God only knows that I don't write in this thing because I'm smart.



Speaking of my intelligence quota...Dave tagged me for a MeMe that I'm just now getting to( see? completely blond..)
It's a thinking activity and damn it, I'm not good at that kind of thing but I'm going to do it anyway...

Here is the question:
List all of the things that you could think of to make from a block of wood (generic; nothing exotic) that was three feet on a side (in other words, a three-foot cube). You aren't limited on what tools you can use -- anything you can imagine to do to it is allowed.

Ummm...while I came up with all the things he did...ahem...well kind of...I would like to include a few of my own..

1. Paperweight
2. Weapon (good for knocking kids out to get computer time)
3. A dildo



Don't act shocked at number three dammit! You should know me a little better than that by now. Actually number three was the first thing to pop into my head...see how fucking smart I am!!!

I went to Krogers yesterday on Elderly Hell Day and encountered little or no abuse. The worst thing that happened to me wasn't even elderly hellion related...

A man kept following my around, talking about the prices of health foods in the store. He kept telling me that they were cheaper at the other Krogers in the area and showed me what he was purchasing on sale.
After I spoke to him, he told me I had a nice voice and said I'd make a wonderful receptionist.

WTF?

Then the followed me around the store like a puppy dog and would NOT LEAVE ME ALONE!
I was finally forced to hide in the rest room until one of the Kroger's people gave me the all clear.

FUCKING WEIRDO MAGNET! THAT'S ME!

Maybe it wasn't a coincidence?


"I represent a secret organization. Our mission is to to torment the Blonde Goddess.We haven't been as successful recently as we'd like so we decided to hire someone to assist us. We'll give you half the money up front and half when the job is finished."

FUCKING OLD BITCHES! I KNEW IT!

I just have one question....does stuff like this happen to anyone else?

I know you're all wondering about the club I was thinking about joining. Well I did actually go ahead and apply but they refused me membership.

How the hell did that happen?
I thought I looked pretty fucking adorable...



Apparently, they don't actually poop in their diapers...
WHATEVER!
If someone had informed me about that BEFORE the fucking interview, I'd be in diaper and suck-a-boo heaven right now!

Bastards!

No one wants me to have any fun. I swear...

I need to get off here and clean or something. I don't think I have any clean underwear.Not that it's a big deal or anything but with allergy season, I can't go out in public without preparing for the accidental "pissy sneeze".
I fucking hate laundry...

See ya tomorrow...

You go to jail for a few days and the world loses it's mind...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Mommys and Daddys and squirming little fatties...

I'm dedicating this post to all those parents out there who sometimes look at the creatures they spawned from their loins and say to themselves,"WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!"



I'm having one of those moments this morning.
Actually EVERY fucking morning I have one of THOSE moments.

Every morning I get my two darling daughters up for school.
They are the most darling and precious creatures alive...UNTIL THEY OPEN THEIR FUCKING EYES!



I arm myself with Holy Water and crosses. I'd wear armor, but then I wouldn't be able to hide under the bed anymore...

Miss KIA will become a snarling hell beast if her ass is not parked on the shitter within a minute of having to poop.


"MOM! I HAVE TO POOP...NOW!"

God forbid that you're actually on the toilet when she has to go.
She will snarl and loom over you, making you too afraid to continue and leave you with one of those "half in- half out" poops that render you helpless and leave you contemplating how to get rid of it.

I FUCKING HATE THAT!

Of course the Blonde Goddess here is not rich. There is only one bathroom in our house. That's kind of like only having one dessert table at a weight watchers convention.
It's chaos.

Veggie Stick will literally yap and bitch all the way to school if she's not given ample time to straighten her hair the "right way".
I've had some pretty evil thoughts about "straightening" her hair....



Don't even look at me like that.
If you had to listen to her mouth for twenty minutes straight while trapped in a car with her, you'd be thinking the same thing.

I just have to ask myself where the good old days went.
You know...the days when my little girls just ran around topless in the yard in their diapers, sucking on their pacifiers...you know...last year.

Now that they're sixteen and eighteen, they're HORRIBLE!

I'm scared of them.
I think the chicken they loved so much as children was pumped full of hormones that made them the crazy masochists they are today.
What other explanation could there be?
Is it NORMAL to emerge from the bathroom with handfuls of your sister's hair and a nail file jutting out of the side of your head???
They live to inflict pain on each other.

God how I miss the days when they'd sit together in their little crib.
And they'd sing.
And then dig in their diapers and smear poop on each other.
Or throw it at me as I walked in the room.
Or eat it.
And then take a big swig of milk out of their bottle and throw it at me, striking me in the forehead every time.

*SIGH*

What happened to those sweet little girls?


Miss KIA still doesn't like red dresses....

I just don't understand why I must suffer like this EVERY DAY!

Ah well...

I'm thinking about joining a new club...


I'm still not sure about it but I thought it looked fun.
I wouldn't have to worry about sneezing or coughing when I was there and I've always enjoyed wearing a bib and bonnet.
Shut up!
I do too wear bonnets!!!
Besides, I like lollipops.

I haven't made up my mind yet...let me know what you think...

Well that's it.
I have to go do motherly, housewifey things.
You know...




See you tomorrow...

In honor of hump day I will share a few of my toys...

IN honor of hump day, I am going to give you all a heads up (sorry guys...couldn't resist the play on words) on how the Goddess here survives her stressful life.

That's right.

"OH Blonde Goddess, however do you manage to keep from going on a homicidal rampage with the stressful life you lead?"



Fuckin A man...this is how I have managed to avoid prison lesbian sex.
Without my box of relaxation, I would have murdered a bus load of fat bitches or elderly hellions a LONG FUCKING time ago!

Yeah...whatever.
Some people eat or take medication or see a therapist for stress.
I MASTURBATE!
WHOO!
GO ME!

Of course on the occasion I can restrain Mr.Man, he is subjected to my sordid imagination.

Poor guy. He has it SOOOO rough.

Anyway...let's begin, shall we?

Some chicks love clitoral stimulation and that's all it takes to rock their world.
Me, on the other hand, enjoys everything being stimulated and is not partial just to the clitoral area.
I mean, after a while, all that vibrating and rubbing has your clitoris swollen and throbbing like a smashed thumb.
That does NOT feel good.
So I like to mix things up a little bit.

I do have a rabbit but believe it or not, it is not my favorite toy and I don't use it that much.

Yes, it is an excellent vibrator.The dildo is a good size and it rotates, which I like because it simulates me grinding my hips in a circle, which I enjoy tremendously when I am on top, BUT...the entire experience doesn't last long enough and the vibrator seems to be a little on the harsh side. Maybe this is not the case for other women and I just have a super-sensitive little clitoris, but I get that smashed thumb feeling if I use this toy too often.

If I'm really in the mood for the rabbit but can't take the intense vibrating, I go with my sugar spoon.

The vibrating clitoral stimulator is soft, gentle and moves rhythmically with the spoon part...which stimulates the "G" spot. I like it because I don't feel like I'm riding a jackhammer and going from "meh..this is ok " to "my vagina just exploded!" in less than a minute (which is what I get from the rabbit sometimes.)

Sometimes I just like to let my fingers do the walking.
On those occasions, I like this little package of fun.

This is a little bullet vibrator with assorted sleeves. The sleeves are soft gel and ribbed or covered with ticklers. I use the sleeves alone or on the vibrating bullet. It is a soft touch and believe me, that's what I like!

When I want some clitoral stimulation AND vaginal penetration, I use this dildo.

Honestly I got this as a gag gift.
But I opened it up and tried it out.
Gotta be honest...it doesn't even pay to put the batteries in the damn thing. I got NOTHING out of that little beaky part that's supposed to vibrate.
But I REALLY LIKE the way the dildo part feels.
It went from being a gag gift to my most favorite toy.
It feels soft and firm and to me, represents the most accurate simulation of having a real penis inside you.
I love it!
I sometimes place this little baby on it and have a nice long, relaxation session...


Gosh...get a bottle of lube and a cock ring and you can have SO MUCH FUN!

I think cock rings are not appreciated nearly as much as they should be.

Then there's the lube issue.
Most women would have a much more enjoyable experience if they'd just lube themselves up. BUT there's that misconception that if a woman's not dripping wet, she's not turned on or some bullshit garbage like that, so women fall prey to the whole, "If I don't get wet, I must be frigid" lie and won't buy the lube.

I have one thing to say about that...

BUY THE FUCKING LUBRICANT!

This is the Blonde Goddess' favorite kind...

A small dab of this can send you to the moon and back.
I don't know what's in it.
I don't know why it makes it feel so damn good, but I swear I felt like I was having an out of body experience the whole time I was having sex.
And since I'm a multiple orgasmic kind of gal, I had to lie down and recover after it was all over because my legs were shaking too badly to walk.
You should invest in a jar of this...it's fantastic.

The other lubes I've tried?
They're not so great. They make it all slick and slippery which is nice but this Nympho stuff made me INSANE!
I bought this stuff one time that was supposed to "warm" the area and it felt like I had fire ants all OVER DOWN THERE!
I couldn't get that shit washed off fast enough. I think there were ice cubes involved too but that ended up being different and quite pleasurable....

Er...anyway...

Now the next couple of toys might not appeal to everyone but this post is about MY favorite things so I'm just going to go with it...

Yep...anal beads.
I'm an ass freak and that's not for everyone. But the Goddess is an adventerous sort of gal and likes to try new things.
This is one of the things I tried that stuck with me.
I like them and I like using them on Mr.Man too.
I have a generous nature about me, so I like to give as much as I like to receive.

And so, since we're on the topic of giving anyway, I'll show you a little secret the Goddess stumbled upon.

You're probably wondering, "What the hell is that?"
I call it Pinky.
It's a masturbation sleeve for men.
I bought it partially out of curiosity and partially because I'm always looking for new ways to pleasure Mr.Man.
The thought had occurred to me one night after I'd performed oral sex on him while using the anal beads to maximize his orgasm, that if I could find a position that would better allow me to watch everything, I could REALLY rock his world.
That's where Pinky came in.
I used it on him one day and he LOVED it!
So while I still enjoy performing oral sex on him, I use Pinky when I plan to involved the anal beads. That way I can really focus on his pleasure without being distracted.

So...
That's it.
Those are my favorite things.

Er...so now how do I end a post like this?

"Thanks for stopping by?"

"Have a nice day?"

Well this is fucking awkward. I sound like a moron!

Wait...I got it.

"Hope this post helped you to discover something new that you might enjoy."

Now go out there and get it!!!!

Don't be pissy with me...

I know I'm supposed to tell you all my sex toy secrets, preferences etc...but it's going to have to wait until tomorrow.

Mr.Man is home sick and he's dominating the computer.
He's in the shower right now so I have to hurry.

I just want to ask everyone something first.

When you get sick are you a bitch/bastard?

Do you find it impossible to be nice to people?

Even to people you've inserted objects in their oh-so-willing ass before?

I'm just curious because Mr.Man is being quite the FUCKING ASSHOLE today and I wondered if it's because he's sick or if it's just because he's a GIANT DICK!



I'm going to chop his "manly essence" off and feed it to the dog if he's not careful...


If he wants to keep his "Dick" he'd better smarten the hell up.

You know what he said to me this morning?

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW????

He said, "I think you're crazy and you need psychological help."

So I said, "WHO THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING WITH FOR THE PAST 18 YEARS?"

I'm in a REAL bad mood right now so that means tomorrow's post should be insanely fantastic.


The more stressed, miserable, anxious, depressed, annoyed, hopeless and out of control I feel, the more over the edge I write.

I call it therapy.

You call it entertainment.

It makes us both happy so that's what's important, no?

See you tomorrow....

Troll dolls and fat bitches attack the drunk nympho

I have to admit that I was shocked that NO ONE linked to a photo they thought represented me in my last post.

I was expecting things like this....



OR this...


And I even thought this one would be the most popular picture chosen to describe me...



Instead people actually said NICE things about me.
I feel loved.
It feels good.
I like it....almost as much as feeling freshly fucked and slightly intoxicated.

Awww....and if you participated in answering in the comment section of my last post then the naked pictures will be emailed to you promptly.

DON'T EVEN TRY TO POST A COMMENT NOW GODDAMMIT! IF YOU WERE TOO FUCKING LAZY TO ANSWER EARLIER THEN YOU GET NOTHING!

So there....no nudie shots for you!

I stayed busy all weekend.
I did all the boring,"Gee,I feel like ripping all the hair out of my body and getting liquored up",mommy stuff that I'm obligated to do.
It's not enough that I carried them for nine months!It's not enough that I stretched my body all out of proportion and now I piss myself when I sneeze and I can use my tits for sling shots....
NOOO!!!
I have to fucking drag the little bastards all over creation and buy shit for them, feed them, etc...


SHUT UP! I'M A GOOD MOTHER!

One of the THINGS I did for them this weekend is work at the Bingo Hall.
I know I have explained about this before in an earlier post, but I'm too fucking lazy to look for it so I'm just going to let you do that if you want an explanation.
But yeah...I worked it.
The people were fucking assholes and I wanted to set the building on fire.
There were a couple of fuckwads that almost got their lucky troll dolls shoved up their goddamn asses.
I just felt annoyed and abused the entire time I was working there.
This one old goat sat there with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, screaming "TIP GIRL! TIP GIRL!" every time I was standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER!


Her voice sounded like a combination of someone running their fingernails down a chalkboard and a car peeling out of a gravel driveway.
It was FUCKING ANNOYING!
She had rollers in her hair.I wanted to gouge her eyes out of her head with the pins holding them on.
Needless to say, when I left that place I was bitchy.

That's when one of the fat bitches called me and accused Frowie and one of Veggie Sticks friends of being drunk.
I had STUPIDLY agreed to let my children go to a party where the fat bitches were going to be chaperoning so it's my own damn fault.
I should have fucking known better.
Of course I couldn't go to make sure there was no trouble, so I finally gave in and let my kids go. I mean, why shouldn't they be allowed to go?

I think I set a new land speed record after I hung up with Butt Butt(one of the fat bitches).


I pulled the old station wagon in on two wheels and practically leaped forty feet from the car to where the fat bitches where camped out in their chairs.
Butt Butt and Jowl Woman sat there, looking smug and fatter than usual. (Probably due to all the cake they'd just crammed down their throats.)
In their condescending voices they explained that some of the other kids had come to them and informed them that Frowie and Veggie Sticks little friend were both drunk.
When I confronted them both about who it was that had informed them, they told me they didn't want to say.
They didn't want my confronting the other kids who'd said something.
????
So it's ok that you accuse my kids of BEING drunk, but I'm not allowed to ask the kids what they were doing that made them appear to be drunk?
I pitched a fit.



A full blown FUCK FUCK FUCK fit.
By the time I was finished EVERYONE thought I was an insane bitch on a killing rampage.
And in case you're wondering, NO...Frowie and Veggie Stick's little friend were NOT drunk. Hadn't touched the stuff in fact.
The fat bitches had no idea because they don't get drunk.
Since I am the resident alcoholic, I can tell.

Maybe they need to get drunk?
And fucked!
Goddammit!
They need to leave me the hell alone!

I don't know what their problem is, but they need to stop.
Seriously...
Even though I know I'd look hot in prison duds, I don't want to go to jail.


I like dick WAAAYYY too much to get tied down in a tongue-twisted-twat-twosome...or trio.(Three is my lucky number)

So I ended the weekend completely stressed and I was unable to trick Mr.Man and restrain him for sex. He's a foot taller than me and weighs at least 80 pounds more than me. I have to trick him or I can't possibly get him tied down.
I was forced to masturbate and get drunk all day Sunday.
Luckily for all of you, this means I can do a sex toy review for my post tomorrow.

Until then...