Where oh where has my little Blonde gone?

How do I even begin this post? It almost seems foreign to me, this typing down my thoughts stuff. To think that I used to sit down and let everything pour out...like a busted hose....wow.

I'm not as open to that right now.
In fact, it's the reason I'm writing today and the only reason for it.

I LOVE all of you.
And I appreciate the calls and emails and comments.
They mean everything to me.
But I'm still working at healing and part of that healing process for me is to withdraw from society.
I don't know why I'm wired that way, but I am.

I know it must be terribly frustrating to call and leave messages or email me and not hear back. I know you're worried. I'm so sorry. I try to think of something to say and I pick up the phone and I type up an email and I just don't know what to say. I love you but I don't want to talk...(to anyone) and I take a deep breath and think to myself, "It's time to reclaim your life again. Go on...do it!"

But I just can't.
Not yet.

Part of what caused this whole...I don't know...(breakdown?)...(emotional train wreck?)...was a trust issue. Someone that I thought I knew and I thought I could trust hurt me in a way I never thought possible.

And so I'm coping.
And I'm still dealing with it in the best way I can.

I don't know what else to say.

I miss you all.

And I miss myself.

Please don't worry and please don't ever think that I don't want anything to do with any of you. That's just not true. You are all wonderful friends to me and I treasure each and every one of you.

I'm just doing the best I can and unfortunately I'm not being a very good friend to anyone right now.
I know I should make more of an effort but no matter what kind of pep talk I give myself, I just can't make myself do anything.

And do you know what's the saddest part?

Because I'm forced to be out among the public, when I'm out there I find myself putting on a show. I'm funny and witty and smiling like the sun is trying to climb out my mouth...but inside I'm afraid and sad and there is no light...it's all just a heavy, heavy darkness that makes me want to zone out in front of the TV or sleep.

I just don't know.

That's all I can say....

I just don't know.

The 1st day of the rest of my life....

Today will be the 1st day of the rest of my life.
While it may not change anything and it may still take some time to reach a better place, I am done with the unhealthy self-degradation that I subject myself to.

I'm a good person.
And I'm a beautiful person.
I KNOW deep in my heart that I am lovable and kind and it's time I started not only knowing it but FEELING it again.

So....

I'm here and I'm still working through things but I'm here. And that's all that matters.

Hashing it out....

There has been a lot of things going through my mind lately and true to my word, I've been dealing with it alone.
I don't lean on others very well.
Perhaps it comes from my fear of abandonment,(and my previous experiences with that whole nasty thing) or perhaps it comes from the rejection I've experienced when I've allowed people into my "inner sanctum". They like the fun, childish, quirky me but when they see there is something broken inside that requires a little time and a lot of patience, they're not too keen on sticking around.
That marred interior kind of ruins the whole bright shiny exterior. I equate it with looking at a nice new BMW on the lot, only to discover there is trash shoved in beneath the seats. Yeah, you could clean the garbage up, but not many people are willing to put out that kind of investment AND make the effort to clean it up a little bit too....

Part of what I've been dealing with lately is rejection.

No one wants to feel rejected. You grow up believing that if you TRY hard enough, someone will love you, unconditionally, and they'll want to take care of you the way you take care of them.
It's kind of like that whole "50-50" concept.
Except it's a fucking lie.
No one does that bullshit.
You give and you give and believe me, I don't do things half way. I give EVERYTHING. I'm a very loyal person and I'm a very loving person. If you've earned my love and my trust, I will move heaven and earth for you.
I want to be a good person and a good friend and I work very hard at it.

But most of all, I want to be loved.

That's what we all want, isn't it? We want the people we love to love us back, right?
The problem with that is that it doesn't always work out that way.
We can give and give and they will take and take. Yes, they may give us something back, but it's a lot easier to take, so they keep taking and stop giving and then you feel empty and rejected and you hurt...

Sadly, it's not always about us either. Other things get in the way and keep them from giving something back. Maybe it's depression or work or the demands of other people, but it doesn't really matter.
You're alone and they're clueless about how you feel.

Yeah, I know I'm not the only one who's struggled with feeling lonely and rejected before. But it's really got me down and combining that with the other things that are going on in my life makes for a depression cocktail that I try to swallow down every night with a big shot of booze.

Work helps immensely.
I go to work and work my ass off and nothing else goes through my head except work. It's such a nice reprieve from the fear and the tears and feeling like I'm doing something wrong or I'm not good enough.

The bottom line is this.
I'm not happy.
In fact I'm lonely and I'm feeling pretty alone.
Mr. Man is too wrapped up in his own deal right now to even realize how unhappy I am.

End of story.

I'm not the only one to go through this and I'm sure I won't be the last. I just have to deal with it, learn to live with things the way they are and get out of this funk.
But for right now, I'm not feeling very happy, or funny or sociable.

It's ok.
I'm dealing with it the best way I can.
I'm not turning into an alcoholic.

It is what it is.

I have hashed it out for all to see....well...a fraction of what's going through my mind, but never-the-less...I talked about it some.

That's progress maybe.

Now...I'm disabling comments. My email works so you can reach me there but really...I'm ok. I just need some time to digest everything and figure out how to live with it.

The only reason I really wrote about this is because I hated how worried some of you had been.
Don't worry.
I just need some time.

Just because....

"I've loved you with all my heart, but it's all been in vain."

Trust, truth and lost youth....

I'm feeling VERY old lately.
I'm talking decrepit.
When I get home at night all I want to do is lay down.
It's terribly pitiful actually AND to top it all off, I have absolutely NO desire for sex.
If I told you when the last time was that I had sex or even masturbated, you'd think I was lying.
Dead serious....

Yep...it's all getting old on me.
And honestly I don't give a shit.
There's a lot of not really caring too much about anything going on with me lately.
I'm not sure if it's a self preservation thing that's happening or if it's just a big old dose of bitterness enveloping me, but it's there.
And I don't like it...
Not at all...

We found out that Miss KIA has a tumor on her kidney. They don't think it's cancer but they can't be sure until they run more tests. I'm not breaking the news to her because she will absolutely flip the fuck out and she won't be able to concentrate in school or anything else. So we have decided to wait until she goes to the doctor and allow him to explain everything to her. You see, Miss KIA thinks I am a total moron and has no confidence in anything I say or do. So the doctor will be easier on her and allow her to not be so stressed and worried about it.

Guess I'll just have to fill you in on things as we learn about them...I don't know what else to tell you as we are still kind of in the dark too.

Do you ever wonder if someone is lying to you in order to save you from being hurt?
I'd rather have the truth than cling to hope based on a lie....
I think it's easier to hear the truth and let it burn you alive, then peel away the hurt like a layer of dead skin and start all over again.
I have been lied to all my life...broken promises...abandoned over and over again and believe it or not, those things hurt a lot more and for a lot longer time than the painful truth.
Just some food for thought, you know...things going through my head.

I want things to go my way but they never do...I'm going out on a limb here and guessing I'm not alone on this whole thing?
Who else is with me?
It would be nice though, wouldn't it? For thing to work out the way you imagine during those happy daydreams...

Yeah...it would be nice.

Probably impossible though.
I'm planning for the third degree burns when the truth comes pouring out like a scalding grease bath....

It's always good to expect misery. Then if someone happy actually hits you, it's a nice surprise...

Here's to everyone who's as old, cynical and depressed as me.




(Vodka numbs the pain a little...)

Dreams..wacky ways of telling you you're slowly going nuts.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago. It was one of those weird ones that you can't really understand so you keep thinking about it.
I dreamed I was falling...you know...those horrible dreams where you fall to your death and all that jazz. Except in this dream, I wasn't falling to my death. I fell into the ocean from the sky and sank deep into the depths of the ocean.
It was cold and dark and I felt my lungs getting ready to burst. But no matter how hard I tried to swim to the surface it was still too far away for me to reach it. I felt my brain swelling in my head and my body shaking and then suddenly the ocean turned into people.
It literally became an ocean of people.
I took a deep breath and then they all started talking to me, telling me what they wanted from me, what THEY needed from me...
I felt like I was suffocating.
My lungs were burning and I felt like I was being crushed.
I was trying to swim my way out of this ocean of people who wanted me to DO something for all of them and I couldn't get away...

Then I woke up.

Needless to say, it was a sucky dream and furthermore, my chest hurt all day long.

In other news....I am still here, although not often. I get on the computer only once or twice a week lately. I've promised myself that I'm going to try to make more time to get on here. I KNOW I could get a good laugh or dose of wisdom if I'd get on here and read again. But honestly most of my days lately consist of getting up, working, coming home, fixing food, cleaning and then drinking. Yep. It's becoming an every night thing for me. Sure helps me sleep too.
I highly doubt that you'll discover me in an alley somewhere, dressed in several layers of clothing, clinging to a shopping cart, but I'm dealing with things in the best way I know how to.

This too shall pass...I just wish I'd feel normal again.



Heh...normal.

OK. Maybe this place is better?

I believe I have moved from being scared and sad to being angry. And that, I have found, is very empowering.
I'm not the kind of person to hate anyone or anything, but hate is a powerful motivator. It can pull you from the depths of despair and give you a new purpose...a new focus.
As long as I don't allow it to consume me, I think it will help me get through this...

Work is good, although the other day I was surprised to realize that I couldn't wait to get out of there. I think that the reasons for it varied from rude customers I just couldn't shake off to a few other things (things I just don't understand and wonder why the hell they work that way), but I believe, after going to work yesterday, that management has taken steps to try to fix things. I think the business could really flourish with this new kind of leadership. It's a big job though and it's going to take diligence to watch and implement this new plan.

I don't really have anything else I feel like talking about so that's it for now.

Time heals all wounds? Can we speed the clock up here people?