Hashing it out....

There has been a lot of things going through my mind lately and true to my word, I've been dealing with it alone.
I don't lean on others very well.
Perhaps it comes from my fear of abandonment,(and my previous experiences with that whole nasty thing) or perhaps it comes from the rejection I've experienced when I've allowed people into my "inner sanctum". They like the fun, childish, quirky me but when they see there is something broken inside that requires a little time and a lot of patience, they're not too keen on sticking around.
That marred interior kind of ruins the whole bright shiny exterior. I equate it with looking at a nice new BMW on the lot, only to discover there is trash shoved in beneath the seats. Yeah, you could clean the garbage up, but not many people are willing to put out that kind of investment AND make the effort to clean it up a little bit too....

Part of what I've been dealing with lately is rejection.

No one wants to feel rejected. You grow up believing that if you TRY hard enough, someone will love you, unconditionally, and they'll want to take care of you the way you take care of them.
It's kind of like that whole "50-50" concept.
Except it's a fucking lie.
No one does that bullshit.
You give and you give and believe me, I don't do things half way. I give EVERYTHING. I'm a very loyal person and I'm a very loving person. If you've earned my love and my trust, I will move heaven and earth for you.
I want to be a good person and a good friend and I work very hard at it.

But most of all, I want to be loved.

That's what we all want, isn't it? We want the people we love to love us back, right?
The problem with that is that it doesn't always work out that way.
We can give and give and they will take and take. Yes, they may give us something back, but it's a lot easier to take, so they keep taking and stop giving and then you feel empty and rejected and you hurt...

Sadly, it's not always about us either. Other things get in the way and keep them from giving something back. Maybe it's depression or work or the demands of other people, but it doesn't really matter.
You're alone and they're clueless about how you feel.

Yeah, I know I'm not the only one who's struggled with feeling lonely and rejected before. But it's really got me down and combining that with the other things that are going on in my life makes for a depression cocktail that I try to swallow down every night with a big shot of booze.

Work helps immensely.
I go to work and work my ass off and nothing else goes through my head except work. It's such a nice reprieve from the fear and the tears and feeling like I'm doing something wrong or I'm not good enough.

The bottom line is this.
I'm not happy.
In fact I'm lonely and I'm feeling pretty alone.
Mr. Man is too wrapped up in his own deal right now to even realize how unhappy I am.

End of story.

I'm not the only one to go through this and I'm sure I won't be the last. I just have to deal with it, learn to live with things the way they are and get out of this funk.
But for right now, I'm not feeling very happy, or funny or sociable.

It's ok.
I'm dealing with it the best way I can.
I'm not turning into an alcoholic.

It is what it is.

I have hashed it out for all to see....well...a fraction of what's going through my mind, but never-the-less...I talked about it some.

That's progress maybe.

Now...I'm disabling comments. My email works so you can reach me there but really...I'm ok. I just need some time to digest everything and figure out how to live with it.

The only reason I really wrote about this is because I hated how worried some of you had been.
Don't worry.
I just need some time.